If I Ran the Food Network: a riff

June 6, 2009

I admit it. I watch The Food Network a lot. More than I should. Example: a few months ago, I woke during the night to the sound of a strange, manly-type voice. My husband was sleeping solidly next to me, so I was a little alarmed. And then I heard giggling. Little girl giggling. And then I heard a teeny voice exclaim, “Bam!”

Miss M. had awakened, tottered down to the living room, turned on the t.v. and was enjoying her some Emeril. My obsession with the FN is rubbing off on the girls.

My girls love the Food Network, particularly Ace of Cakes. And can I just say right now that I have a strange crush on Duff? He floats my boat, he does. I can’t explain it. I watch him massage a massive lump of fondant and I get a little sweaty.

But some of the other celebrities on the Food Network annoy me a little. Some of them (cough, cough, rhymes with Hachael Hay) annoy me a lot. Alas, Food Network has failed to contact me regarding my opinions of its stars, so I just have to dream about what I’d say.

Paula Deen: I do think you got spunk, honey, but Jesus you cook some nasty stuff! Deep fried macaroni and cheese? Seafood casserole with mayonnaise, soup and cheese? (white trash! Yeah!) I have never made a recipe from your show, admittedly. If I cooked like you do, I’d grow the Ass the Size of India.

Bobby Flay: How did you manage to nail that bangin’ babe of a wife? I mean, I like your food and you seem like an okay guy and all, but you bear strong resemblance to Howdy Doody. Just sayin’.

Sandra Lee: You are fired.

Ina Garten: Will you marry me? How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. And if you won’t marry me, can I have Jeffrey? And that house in the Hamptons, as long as I’m askin’.

Giada de Laurentis: Yes, as a matter of fact, I have noticed that perky, ginormous rack of yours. No need to parade it around any more. Leave a little mystery there, wouldja?

Guy Fieri: Sure, you have a zippy personality. But really, have some self respect. Must you give your dishes names like Good Karma Shawarma and Rice a Monee? It makes my sphincter contract.

Robin Miller: Get thee over to Paula Deen’s house and eat some of her food. You need home cookin’ like nobody’s business. When you walk, do your bones clank together?

Tyler Florence: Didn’t you used to be kinda good looking? What happened?

Emeril Lagasse: Bam! That’s the sound of my arteries exploding after eating your food. Go hang out with Paula, you’ll like each other.

And I of course have the choicest of words for Rachael Ray but I’m trying to curb my colorful tongue, and if I said what I’d like to, I’d owe the Dirty Word Jar in the kitchen a month’s worth of grocery money.

But you know it’d be true.

If you care to disagree with me or agree with me or add choice tidbits of your own, feel free. I know I’ve missed someone (or two) and I love to hear you talk.

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