She’s Just Not That Into You: a rant

June 2, 2009

Dear chefs, Food Network stars, cooking magazine editors, etc.:

If I see one more recipe this year using fennel , I am going to blow the bejeezus out of my skull. I am over fennel, get it? Quit trying to shove fennel down my throat; it’s making me cranky. I don’t even like fennel, and I suspect the only people who do are those freaks who hoard the black jelly beans at Easter.

Fennel is hairy, awkward looking and a bitch to pair with wine. It tastes like anise, for chrissakes. Even if you cook the tar out of it, you can taste that icky anise. I sure as heck wouldn’t pour ouzo over my risotto, so why are you asking me to cook the vegetable equivalent into it?

Even Ina Garten, who admits she doesn’t like fennel, is cooking with it. What kind of strange brainwashing is going on here? Even heroin dealers don’t push their product that hard.

So I beg of you please. Cease and desist with the fennel. It’s getting old.

And while I have your attention, I’d just like to add some other food trend thingys that I’m over:

~Butternut Squash: You were interesting maybe 5 years ago. If I have to endure another Autumn of butternut squash soup recipes, I’m going to drink hemlock. Ditto that for the roasted butternut squash side dishes. Even if you gussy it up with orange or maple syrup or curry powder, butternut squash is a yawner.

~Parsnips: Yeah, what I said to the squash. At the end of the day, you are just an albino carrot, so quit trying so hard.

~Dried Cranberries, Apricots and Cherries: Get out of my savory food, you chewy cretins! Get out of my couscous, my pilaf, my pasta salad. No, you don’t add interest to the dish. You just get stuck in my teeth.

~Fava Beans and Ramps: Understand this–Spring belongs to Asparagus. It just does. Always has. You were never contenders, so get out of every Spring recipe in every food magazine that I read.

~Polenta: You suck.

~Pomegranate: I get it, you are healthy. But I am still not sprinkling your sour, strangely crunchy self over my salad.

~Truffle butter: Maybe if I’m eating pasta at Harry’s Bar; otherwise, bugger off. And don’t even think about showing up on a burger or in mac and cheese. Gag.

~Oatmeal: Unbeknownst to you, I broke up with you this morning. Even jazzed up with brown sugar and half and half and pecans, you don’t cut it. I’ve tried for years with you, but you just can’t seem to change, so it’s over. You’re gruel darling, I’m sorry.

I should feel relieved after this rant, but I’m not. Because I’m sensing that there’s another really annoying food trend lurking around the corner. Waiting for me.

If you are peevish and need to rant at seemingly innocent foodstuffs, feel free to do so below.

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