Hacked and Settling for Cauliflower

September 20, 2010

Some DoucheWhore hacked into my site this past weekend. Sarah, the brains behind my whole new WordPress operation, was MIA, running like Forrest and–apparently, if you can count on her Tweets–peeing in the forest as well. She was busy having a life (I know, how dare she?). I was lost in my own proverbial woods; computers and html and all that technical stuff makes me hyperventilate.

My hubs tried to help, but it was pretty apparent after a few hours that the battle was going to end: Spambot: 1,000,000. Team T: 0.0…Shit.

It’s weird how anxious I felt. And violated. And enraged. I kept wandering around the house, muttering, “Why doesn’t this happen to someone who is a dick?” You know,  to someone who doesn’t give to Unicef or adopt from the Humane Society or never carries spare Band-Aids?

Foul words *might* have been uttered over a matter of days (under the breath– I don’t think any virgin ears burst into flames).

“DoucheWhore” might have been my mantra for the weekend.

Strangely, as I was reduced to a puddle of rage and profanity,  a random memory of my sister bubbled up to the surface. Unlike a lot of sister memories, this one made me laugh, because it illuminates, in delicious detail, how differently we’re wired.

I was in middle school, rockin’ the shoulder-pad and glittery lip-glossed look, sitting at the kitchen table. I probably was doing homework of some kind; I always did homework at the kitchen table, talking to Mama as she cooked.

My sister breezed in, taut-muscled in her cheerleading skirt, and announced, “Someone wrote ‘Cindy H________ is a slut’ on the girl’s bathroom wall.”

I was horrified. “Ohmigawd! Seriously? Do you have any idea who did it?”

My mother looked over her shoulder briefly, went back to stirring sauce and said calmly, “It will blow over. Ignore it, dear.”

My sister rolled her eyes and looked at both of us as if we’d lost our minds. “No, don’t you get it?” she said, hands on hips. “I’ve made it. I’m on the bathroom wall.”

I just stared.

Speaking slowly, as if I were impaired, she continued, “POP-u-lar girls get on the bathroom wall.” And with that, she smiled, twirled on one heel and left the room.

Mama and I glanced quickly at one another and didn’t say a word.

I guess she had a point; I mean, why waste good wall space on dorks and losers? I’d never really thought about it before. Usually bathroom scrawlers were angry or jealous and took their wrath out via Sharpie.

My sister had been strategically plotting her ascent to popularity since sophomore year, when she didn’t make the cheerleading squad. She was, at first, crushed by the blow and howled in her room. A few days later,  she got wicked pissed.

My sister is not a person to piss off. She’s ruthless. Weeks after the cheerleading snub, I came across a list on her desk. At the top, she’d written: How To Get Popular. In bullet points, she outlined her plan for World Domination. People to befriend, people to distance herself from, parties to get invited to, boys to charm, clubs to join.

The girl had a strat-e-gy. She spent all year meticulously working her way down that list, and in the end, she won. Her junior year, she made the squad. She had all the “right” friends and a boyfriend to boot. But for some reason, she hadn’t really known she’d won until she saw her name and a choice epithet scrawled on a privy door.

I had to give props to my sister. It took a certain breed to see Victory in being called a slut. I knew I didn’t have that kind of mettle. I also knew that I’d never make the bathroom wall; I had “small potatoes” written all over me.

Which suited me just fine, thank you very much.

I wish I’d had my sister’s ability to make lemonade out of the particular lemons that landed in my lap this weekend.

As I was poor-me-ing myself to death on Facebook this weekend, a sweet friend said something to the effect of, “You just need to stay unpopular. Nobody bothers with you then.”

I’d love to think that I got spammed because I’m popular. But alas, I have Google Analytics and I know that I’m a really small fish in this pond. Numbers don’t lie (another reason I hate them). Actually, I’m fine with my numbers and I love my little blog, but I’m pretty clueless why I got hacked.

I guess I got hacked because there are DoucheWhores in the world. And who knows, maybe I did something stupid and caused this myself–I don’t know jack about computers. I also didn’t know jack about how to fix whatever broke my dang, almost spanking-new, shiny happy website.

I was wicked depressed all weekend, and when I’m depressed, I want carbs. Big, steaming bowls of carbs. Preferably with butter or cheese. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed with a bowl of mashed potatoes and forget this whole business.

Alas, carbs don’t lovva my ass. I was depressed enough; I didn’t need to be hacked and large. So in my addled state, I settled for Mashed Cauliflower and Cheese. I’d seen this recipe last week on the Food Network, and I thought it looked interesting. I’m not really a cauliflower lover, but watching Gina Neely inhale and swoon over her bowl of mashed cruciferous veg, I was almost convinced that it would substitute my beloved potato.

I ate a big bowl of Settling For Cauliflower (it’s pretty good, actually, although I’ll whizz all of the chunks out next time) and whined a little more and then got up off my pathetic duff and called GoDaddy. Luckily, they were able to fix me, clean things up, and sell me a convenient little tool that will hopefully prevent any further DoucheWhoring. Because I just don’t have the constitution for this kind of dramz.

Mashed Cauliflower and Cheese
adapted from Pat and Gina Neely
serves 4 to 6, or one hacked, depressed blogger

1 large head cauliflower, finely chopped (about 2 pounds)
1 cup chicken stock
2 tablespoons roasted garlic*
kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1/4 cup evaporated 2% milk
1 cup shredded reduced-fat sharp cheddar cheese (Cabot or Cracker Barrel brand ONLY; otherwise, use full-fat)…I used white cheddar
1/4 cup reduced-fat sour cream
2 tablespoons chopped fresh chives or parsley

Add the cauliflower to a medium-sized saucepan along with the chicken stock. Bring to a simmer over medium-high heat and cook until tender, about 10 to 15 minutes. Add the roasted garlic and season with salt and pepper, to taste. Stir in the milk and puree with an immersion blender until smooth (you may need a little extra milk, depending on how creamy you want your mixture). Mix in the cheese and taste for seasoning. Stir in sour cream and top with parsley/chives.

* To roast garlic, drizzle 5 or so cloves of garlic (don’t bother peeling it) with a little olive oil. Wrap in aluminum foil and bake at 350 for about 25 minutes. Cool; pop garlic out of the skin and mash with a fork.

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

FatFighterTV September 21, 2010 at 7:25 pm

Oh, so sorry about your blog hacked incident – that so stinks! But I am totally cracking up about your sister’s story… hilarious!


Winn September 21, 2010 at 7:51 pm

“Don’t let the Douche-Whores get you down.” LOL. Love it! That should be your new slogan. :D

I guess you can join me in the popular corner — I went through identity theft last year. Stolen credit card, stolen social insurance number (like the SSN, only Canadian), bogus company created in my name … the whole nine yards. I rather like being unpopular if that is the price of popularity. I’m so glad my little blog is damn unpopular. I hope the hacker didn’t do any lasting damage, and that it’s fixed for good.

I like cauliflower, but I have to say that once I’ve found the perfect recipe for a food item I don’t look any further. For me, perfect cauliflower is Aloo Gobi. That’s the height of comfort food for me. Anything masala too.


marla {family fresh cooking} September 21, 2010 at 8:02 pm

Glad to read even though you were pissed (and very rightfully so) you went for cauliflower and cheese vs. a huge cake. Wise move. My blog was hacked last year and I went batty. It is such a horrible violation of space. Happy to hear everything is better.


Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla September 21, 2010 at 9:36 pm

That’s very interesting about your sister, TKW! I used to watch (from afar, trust me!) as various girls used to come back to school after summer vacations remade with Farrah Fawcett hairstyles (I’m old) and new clothes and the right boyfriends and suddenly they’d be on the cheer or pom squads. I always thought it was all because of my weight at the time; little did I know that I wasn’t intrinsically like them, like able to beat down doors to get there. Ho hum. Still not.

Site looks great. You’d never know some douche bag was here lounging around.


camilla September 22, 2010 at 12:46 am

Well that totally sucks arse (my fave says at present!)
Your sister is a very interesting person….I’m going to have to leave it there.
Not to sure I could down a bowl of creamed cauli so good for you girl!
Heres to the end of hacker for you x


The Curious Cat September 22, 2010 at 3:01 am

It was probably just a random hacker…who knows why they strike! On facebook friends often get hacked and I’m always relieved it wasn’t me but I’m sure there will come a day – I had to change my hotmail password recently as after what 15 years someone hacked into that!

Loved the story – really interesting how people’s perspectives can differ…I don’t think I agree with your sister’s attitude but I can see the point…good on her to going for what she wanted I guess….still…kids are so obsessed with popularity…but it doesn’t mean you’re a good or nice person. The girl who won ‘Miss Popular/friendliest person’ at my school used to bully me and she was all smiles on the surface but a nasty piece of work underneath…only a few ever saw it…


erin September 22, 2010 at 6:14 am

it seems like a ton of people are being hacked lately—what is going on? and you ARE popular! lucky girl! I was never popular in school, but always longed for the “fame” your sister attained (LOL). On the other hand, like other commenters said, the real popular girls weren’t all sugar and spice on the inside.


leslie September 22, 2010 at 6:14 am

Loved the story about your sister!!! Hackers=’s Fuck-tards!


Sandra September 22, 2010 at 11:07 am

That is so interesting yet violating all at once. Who hacks and why? Did they write or do anything that interrupted your blogging….’cause you know, it’s all about the blog time we log.
I agree though, if you’re getting hacked, it’s ’cause you made it.


~Laura September 22, 2010 at 6:12 pm

So glad you got things fixed. That totally sucks! Stupid. Stupid hackers. If you want to feel better about your computer/blog saavy, I’ll tell you a secret. I don’t even know what Google Analytics are… Shh. Don’t tell.


SuziCate September 23, 2010 at 6:52 am

I went on your site I think it was Sat,might have been Sunday…and I got all these warnings. I didn’t know what to do so I handed the laptop to hubby. He said your site was a bad site…I said NO it’s not. Then he said it had been hacked. And I replied NO Way! After he made sure mine was not infected, he looked at the web address from your site and it was a Russian address. I wondered why people do that to innocent people. It’s just mean.


Paula September 23, 2010 at 11:54 am

That is terrible. I’m going to change the password on my blog as soon as I get home because of your story.

I love cauliflower myself and have had a post about mashed cauliflower ready to go up for a month but didn’t have the nerve. Afraid my readers would desert me. Looks like it didn’t hurt you at all. Nevermind that your stories are passionate and insanely hilarious.


Rudri September 23, 2010 at 4:54 pm

Sorry you were hacked. We had someone hack into our credit card number database and I’ve been trying to get our account credited ever since. So time consuming and unsettling all at the same time.

Speaking of cauliflower, have you ever had the Indian dish – Pav-Bhaji?


Average Girl September 23, 2010 at 6:39 pm

You’re up on my bathroom wall here. Well, not really the bathroom. And, not really a wall. But, you are up on the list of blogs I follow. So, you made it girl! Great story…(and sorry for the hacking troubles…BStards!)


Kelly September 24, 2010 at 6:30 am

Your sister cracks me up. While her methods may be a little extra, she has the right perspective. I’m glad you got things worked out.


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