Uncle Sam Redux: Granola Bars

September 13, 2010

Sometimes, life just gets strange in BlogLand. Sometimes you put something random and weird out there and poof!  A response wafts out of the ether that you never would have expected.

A while back, I wrote this post about my “quirky” step-grandfather, and a few days later, I got an email from a lovely woman named Anneliese, who just happens to work for the company that churns out Uncle Sam cereal. You know, my step-grandfather’s crack breakfast.

As a food blogger (well, a sometimes food blogger, because sometimes I write about cats or prolific quantities of vomit or other drek) I get a lot of emails offering to send me free food/products. And I almost always turn those offers down, because they’re a promotional vehicle and I just don’t feel comfortable doing product endorsements.

But this email was different, because Anneliese had actually read the Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Muffin post–which, let’s face it, was poking a leeeetle fun at the elderly and their “elimination issues”–and thought it was hilarious. She thought I was hilarious. And told me so.

Boom. She got me right there. Anyone who tells me I’m funny? Immediately in my good books.

Anneliese’s curiosity was piqued: she wanted more information on Henry Vermillion. What kind of man was he? What was the story of his romance with my grandmother? How long did he remain addicted to Uncle Sam cereal? Would I be willing to write a little ditty about Henry, and could she plop it up on the Uncle Sam website as a testimonial to the efficacy of their product?

I said sure.  And I said sure not just because she flattered me, or because I thought Henry would be the perfect endorsement for Uncle Sam (which he is). I said sure because talking with Anneliese gave me a flashback to an encounter with a woman at BlogHer ’10.

Just to let you know, at BlogHer ’10, there were some severe elevator issues. 2400 women, under one roof, all trying to get back to their hotel rooms during a before-dinner break? Elevator clusterf@!&, ladies and gents. Sometimes it took 15 minutes to get anywhere, and sometimes it took that long to even find an open elevator.

During one such instance, I was waiting for an elevator on the 22nd floor with a young, pretty, very well-dressed woman. She asked me if it was my first time at BlogHer (I must have had that overwhelmed, glassy-eyed look) and we struck up a conversation. Turns out, she wasn’t a blogger. She was working the Expo Floor. In the booth shilling Metamucil. As in, pimping out free samples of granulated fiber to any blogger in her path.

Being the mature adult child that I am, I got the giggles. Then she got the giggles. We talked a little bit about the difficulty of her job. I mean, who wants to be The Lady Who Has to Sexify Metamucil? That’s a job, folks. Still, she was enthusiastic and very good-humored and I happily took several free packets of Metamucil because when I travel, I get issues. In fact, I’d heard several women at the conference talk about that very same phenomenon. I know that sounds bizarre, but put 12 women together in an elevator for 15 minutes and there’s a lot of sharing going on–even oversharing.

I didn’t run into the Metamucil lady again during the conference, but I thought of her when I corresponded with Anneliese. High fiber cereal isn’t exactly a sexy sell either, is it? And yet, like the Metamucil lady, Anneliese was young and hip and funny and earnest about doing her job.

So when she asked me if she could also send me a box of Uncle Sam cereal to mess around with (recipe-wise), I said sure. Actually, I think I said something along the lines of, “Oh my God, that is freaking hilarious. Send me that box now!”

My husband works long hours and used to snack on things like Snickers bars and Doritos until he married me, the Food Nazi. He has high cholesterol, and I, the buzzkiller of snacking habits, now pack him things like apples and hummus and granola bars to nosh on at work. Now I’m not a total shrew; sometimes I’ll pack him a granola bar with chocolate in it or a peanut butter cookie. One thing he gets excited about in particular is a Kashi granola bar that’s topped with dark chocolate and coconut. When I pack him one of those, he skips a little out the door.

I decided to put my box of Uncle Sam to work on a reasonable facsimile of his favorite lunchbox snack. I riffled through my ginormous pile of recipes and came across a recipe for Swag Bars from Cooking Light magazine. I thought the recipe had promise, but I had some reservations. For one, the original recipe called for corn syrup, which I’m trying to limit in our diet. I know the jury isn’t out yet on the stuff, but I’m suspicious.

Also, the pairing of peanuts and peanut butter seemed a little too peanutty in my opinion, and my husband prefers almonds, anyways. And that parsimonious chocolate drizzle called for in the Cooking Light recipe was not going to do it, so I tinkered with that.

Hubs and I are pretty pleased with the resulting “granola bars.”  He’s happily toting them to work and snacking on them, and until the nurses start complaining about his increased time in the bathroom, we’re keeping them. Added bonus? The punch of fiber and protein in these bars really keep him going until lunch; he’s shocked that he no longer really needs a mid-morning snack. And I’m loving the fact that these bars are no-bake and incredibly easy.

Now I’m trying to figure out ways to sneak Uncle Sam into cookies and muffins, because the Minxes, with their propensity for “white food,” could use a little boost in the fiber department. The Fiber Wizard will keep you posted.

Uncle Sam Bars

loosely based on Swag Bars from Cooking Light Magazine

1 3/4 cups creamy peanut butter

1/2 cup sugar

3/4 cup honey

1 1/2 cups toasted almonds, finely chopped (I used the food processor)

3 1/2 cups (4 ounces) whole-grain flaked cereal, such as Uncle Sam, finely crushed (again, I used the food processor)

Cooking spray

4 ounces dark or semi-sweet chocolate, melted (that’s what I used, but if you’re feeling racy, use 6 ounces)

Grated sweetened coconut, if desired

Combine peanut butter, sugar and honey in a heavy large  saucepan over medium-high heat. Cook 4 minutes or just until mixture comes to a boil, stirring constantly. Take off the heat and stir in chopped almonds and cereal until well blended. Press into a 9 by 9-inch baking pan, coated generously with cooking spray.

Chop the chocolate and put in a microwave-safe bowl. Microwave on high power for about a minute or until chocolate melts, stirring halfway through. After a minute, if chocolate isn’t melted, continue to cook, checking every 15 seconds, until melted. Spread over bars. Top with coconut, if desired, pressing slightly to make sure it adheres.

Score into small bars while still warm.

!!* A few things to note: These bars are dense, so cut them fairly small. Also, I popped them (while still in the pan) in the refrigerator for about 10 minutes before cutting into individual bars and it made things easier. Then I  wrapped each bar in plastic wrap and stored them in the refrigerator. Be sure to allow the bars to warm up a bit before you chomp into them! If you try to munch them immediately after refrigeration, you may crack a tooth…but they’re perfect when thrown in a lunch box or eaten with morning coffee after the drive to work.

{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }

Nicki September 13, 2010 at 4:39 am

Now I am going to have to try these, most likely with crushed nuts on top as my family has an aversion to coconut. Just have to figure out what the cereal is as I don’t get Uncle Sam here in the east – at least, I have never seen it.

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Wendi @ Bon Appetit Hon September 13, 2010 at 5:18 am

I need to just pretend the whole conversation about Uncle Sam’s added benefits doesn’t exist. You got any samples you can send out? Because as intrigued as I am about the idea of these bars, I can’t get myself to commit.

Note to Nicki above, I’m in Maryland and I’ve seen Uncle Sam in the grocery stores around here. Trust me, we have it hon.

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Phoo-d September 13, 2010 at 5:26 am

These sound delicious! I love that Uncle Sam cereal contacted you and that they have a good sense of humor about the need for their product! What a great way to snack and get your fiber.

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elizabeth September 13, 2010 at 5:59 am

As someone who is sometimes called upon to find insights on digestive issues for another product that greases the wheels down there, I can tell you that the only way to get through it is with a sense of humor. I don’t know if you ever checked out the Target: Women series on Current TV, but something tells me you’d love it: http://current.com/shows/infomania/89365020_sarah-haskins-in-target-women-number-two.htm

These look really awesome–and much easier than the bars my husband would make that required a trip to the health food store in New Haven in order to make because it had a ton of ingredients.

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Gibby September 13, 2010 at 6:07 am

Well, you may remember my morning conversation with a girlfriend about flaxseed. These bars seem much sexier than that. I am definitely going to try these!!! Momma loves being regular!!!!!

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bryan September 13, 2010 at 6:18 am

Seems like crabby old Henry did OK for you! You have made me laugh out loud twice (both posts) and got a free box of cereal to boot!

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Virginia September 13, 2010 at 6:31 am

Mmm…this looks yummy.

I shall have to put these on my “to make” list this week!!

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SuziCate September 13, 2010 at 7:48 am

TKW, You have no idea how timely this recipe is for me. Since hubs and I are hiking and biking now, we are eating a lot of granola bars and were looking for a high protein good tasting one. I was considering making them myslef. this one looks and sounds great. One problem, I had never heard of Uncle Sam’s cereal (except in your post about your grandmother). I don’t think they carry it around here. What cereal would you suggest as a good alternative. Also, one child has an allergy to almonds and I was wondering what nut you think would be the best substitute? Can you shoot me an email? Thanks. Let us know when your story goes up on their site, so we can all support you!

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TKW September 13, 2010 at 8:32 am

Suzicate-I think Total cereal would work well here as a substitute, and I’d use peanuts or really, any other nut would be fine! Good luck!

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Gale at Ten Dollar Thoughts September 13, 2010 at 8:34 am

Yum yum! These remind me of another chewy granola bar that I make regularly. I might try to combine the two recipes and see what kind of magic happens. Thanks for the recipe. (And isn’t the blogosphere a small place sometimes?)

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Jenna September 13, 2010 at 9:12 am

What a funny story! My grandparents were addicted to All-Bran and ate is religiously for breakfast. =) The bars look reeeeal good.

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Stephane September 13, 2010 at 9:26 am

A lot of you people get up waaay too early: 3:20 am (the post); or 4:39 am (the first comment)?! I suppose you guys probably work out, too. ; ) Anyway, just wanted to say, “Thanks,”–for starting my morning off right!

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Biz September 13, 2010 at 9:35 am

OMG, you totally reminded me about an event when I first met my husband. In just over a year I had lost 70 pounds, right before I met my now husband.

I survived on Baker’s Breakfast Cookies for breakfast – at the time on that WW plan, a fruit and nut cookie the size of my face had 15 grams of fiber and came to 1 point.

One morning, I sent my husband on his way to work, handed him a breakfast cookie and told him it would keep him full for hours!

He barely made it to the office – um, apparently before meeting me his daily fiber intake was 1 gram, and in an instant I’d given him 15 days worth of fiber!

Needless to say, he never ate another one!

Those bars look delicious – thanks for sharing the recipe!

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Michelle September 13, 2010 at 11:04 am

Oh my gosh, this post is so funny. I’m torn between having too much information and liking your recipe. LOL

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Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla September 13, 2010 at 12:19 pm

Anything with coconut is okay in my book! Also, I’m a big fan of oatmeal, though I hadn’t heard of Uncle Sam’s. You’ll have to send us the link when your testimonial goes live, TKW! Funny how out here in blogoland we never know who is reading. Now I have to go find that post that I missed…

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Belinda September 13, 2010 at 1:13 pm

Lots of giggle-inducing bits here today!

So true about women and oversharing. Just recently an acquaintance I barely know was telling me about her regular Metamucil intake due to her issues that have exacerbated with age. I didn’t mind. It’s a pre-requisite for being a grown woman, no?

I’m all over anything that looks pretty, is yummy, healthy and no-bake. These look like they’d be good travel food.

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Cheryl @ Mommypants September 13, 2010 at 2:20 pm

I love this! How awesome that she found you and sent you the cereal. I also love peanut butter, but w/ a peanut allergic child, I’ll just have to sadly drool over the pictures…

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Keyona September 13, 2010 at 4:52 pm

You’re funny, and pretty and those look yummy. Love the new look. Yeah, I’m late. Missed ya!

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Maria September 13, 2010 at 6:36 pm

Sweet Jeebus! I didn’t think I would read anything funnier than that post about your step-grandfather and here you are, writing about how to sexify fiber…

I, however, am not a huge fan of peanut butter. Yeah, I said it…Never have had a peanut butter anything in my life…So what could I substitute the PB for? Nutella?

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Mrs.Mayhem September 13, 2010 at 6:42 pm

My boys love those Kashi bars with the chocolate and coconut, so I’m going to try these soon! They are no longer allowed to buy lunch at school, so we’re looking for lots of healthy goodies to pack in lunch boxes. Thanks.

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Heather September 13, 2010 at 8:25 pm

Those Kashi bars are my boys’ crack! We raid the aisles at Target on an almost weekly basis. I’m resisting the urge to rush into the kitchen right now and mix up a batch! Homemade granola is on my snack list for tomorrow, though, so this will have to wait until the weekend. Unless, of course, you want to hop a plane to Ohio and take over my kitchen ;)
So cool that Uncle Sam contacted you! And to think you owe it all to Henry!!

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Cathy September 13, 2010 at 9:38 pm

Okay – these are relatively enticing. I’m not a fan of dense bars, but my hubs could use a little extra in the fiber department. Might be worth a shot, but I think I might use quinoa as we need to be gluten free. Think that might work?

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SuziCate September 14, 2010 at 6:53 am

I had to tell you my hubby looked up the cereal and it IS carried at my local grocery and almost every store in my vicinity…how have I missed it? Guess I wasn’t looking for it!

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Amber September 14, 2010 at 7:07 am

Holy crap, I nearly peed my pants with laughter. I guess this wasn’t the haha post you would normally write but you happened to mention Metamucil and gastrointestinal problems in a post that fit perfectly! Really, that’s a wit and genius all it’s own.

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TheKitchenWitch September 14, 2010 at 7:49 am

Maria: I think Nutella would be a great substitute! You might even be able to skip the chocolate layer on top if you use that. I’d reduce the sugar slightly if you use Nutella, though!

Cathy-I think any gluten-free, flake-like cereal would work?

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Paula September 14, 2010 at 7:54 am

Ok, girl, you are just crazy. I am sitting in a hotel room with friends who are listening to me laugh out loud while reading this post. So I had to read it out loud for them too. I’ve heard of this cereal but never tried it. Guess I will have to give it a shot. The bars sound good too. And the travel phenomenon? Yes, been away from home for a week now. Know what you mean.

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Barbara September 14, 2010 at 8:09 am

First of all, you ARE funny. I always laugh at your posts. (Guess that will put me in your good books for a while, right?)

I missed that muffin post. But I must tell you that a nutritionist (who is definitely NOT sexy) I go to suggests mixing 4 or 5 cereals together. One of them is Uncle Sam’s. So I eat it a couple times a week. (Talk about food nazis! she’d prefer me to eat oatmeal but sometimes there’s just not time)
Anyway, your bars look pretty darn tasty, if you ask me. And chocolate makes anything sexier.

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Emily Z September 14, 2010 at 11:05 am

Ooooh, these look super delicious. I like the coconut on top!

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soccermom September 14, 2010 at 2:12 pm

Fiber is good ! Yum. I have mine every morning after my 5am run. I wouldnt go without it. Noboday wants to be constipated. Thats no fun.

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k odell September 14, 2010 at 2:28 pm

yay! you used the word drek- I posted that on my yiddish words for the week a few weeks ago. I had never seen anyone use it.

I’m loving this post- I love to make homemade snacks, and I need to try this one- nest time I hit the grocery store, I’ll pick up some cereal

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rebecca @ altared spaces September 14, 2010 at 5:42 pm

Yum. And helpful. My boy is a bar-head. He eats constantly and this will help. But it will also increase my reputation as granola mom. Yikes!

I just found Nutella this year. It’s my new favorite thing on planet earth.

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Jessica September 14, 2010 at 10:41 pm

These look and sound fabulous! Yum!

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grace September 14, 2010 at 11:12 pm

nifty bars! i know what you mean–when someone laughs at my jokes, they’re almost automatically on my good list. on the other hand, if a person DOESN’T laugh, they’re definitely on the bad list. :)

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Christine LaRocque September 15, 2010 at 4:25 am

This is freakin’ hilarious and yet totally true all at the same time. And when I travel…un huh, get that!! I think my kids would love this, so I’ll try it for sure. Though I don’t think we have Uncle Sam in Canada, I would assume cornflakes would work? Or am I missing something?

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Justine September 15, 2010 at 8:43 am

No bake and chocolatey AND filling? HELLO! Come to mama. I also try to prepare lunches for my other half who WILL reach for the unhealthy snacks if I don’t intervene with something a little less damaging. I would have to add this to my repertoire, although since we’re not big on coconut, I may skip that.

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Jane September 15, 2010 at 6:34 pm

I adore the stories that go along with your recipes. Simply adore them. And these granola bars? I have a feeling my family is going to adore you after this. (And me, too, ’cause I made them) I’m skipping off now to make sure I have all the ingredients!

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Leslie September 15, 2010 at 7:02 pm

Well, you’re so funny that it’s hardly fair for you to be anything else – like, you know, a clever, compelling storyteller or a creative and generous cook.

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Erica@PinesLakeRedhead September 16, 2010 at 6:25 am

My kids inhale Kashi bars. I can’t eat them because of a soy allergy. I could make these bars with Kashi cereal but it still wouldn’t help me. I need to find some Uncle Sam cereal.

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ck September 17, 2010 at 3:35 am

TKW, your writing could sexify anything. Even Metamucil.

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subwow September 17, 2010 at 2:28 pm

I don’t cook so I come here for the stories. And the food porn. Yup. This is indeed the least sexy of food porn I’ve seen here. But you managed to make it fun and lovely. You should go work the BlogHer floor next year too.

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Christina @ Sweet Pea's Kitchen September 17, 2010 at 5:17 pm

These look super yummy! I love coconut! Love your post too…too funny!

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gina October 2, 2010 at 9:58 am

I am a big fan of your blog but have never left a comment before. Just wanted to let you know that I made these bars and they were delicious, so thank you so much for the recipe. We didn’t have creamy peanut butter, so I used chunky and then skipped the almonds. Delicious!

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