Hey, you. It’s been awhile. It’s nice to see you.
The awesome thing about being the sole steerman of this blog is that if I decide to take an extended absence, I don’t gotta tell you nothin.’ I can just pop up, say “Hey, you,” and carry on, business as usual. It’s a pretty great option, don’t you think? How cool would it be in real life to be able to pull up anchor, disappear into the vapor for a few weeks and then report back to your boss or your children with a smile and a few cheap souvenirs?
I don’t gotta tell you nothin.’
But I never can keep my big, yammering pie-hole shut, so I’ll tell you a little story. The PG version, though, because a girl’s gotta leave a little mystery.
Anyways, Sucktober and Suckvember sucked kind of harder than I let on. I didn’t really mislead you on purpose. It’s just that sometimes suckage builds up gradually, piece by piece, and it chips away at you in sneaky little bits, so you almost don’t notice it until it’s sitting on your shoulder, eating your head for dinner.
The worst thing about SneakSuckage is that you think you’re handling things okay. Until you’re not.
Which is how KitchyWitchy got knocked off her broom.
Actually, that’s a tad too eloquent for what happened, but what do you expect me to say? That Kitch lost her CrackerJacks? That she rode the Everclear Elevator up to the Big Head Shrinker in the sky?
Not that I have anything against head-shrinkers. I happen to have a great one, like most over-privileged, over-educated and under-afflicted suburban dwellers do. I’ve been burdening him with my prattle since, like, birth.
I kid you not. I think I came out of the womb carrying a sack of dirty diapers and a big sign that said, “I Blame My Parents.”
So, during my (ahem) hiatus, I was talking to the InShrinkerator–hey, shut up! If you have seen the same head goon as long as I have, you are allowed to give him saucy nicknames–and was, naturally, whining like a slaughtered lamb.
“Wow, that really is a lot on your plate,” he said.
“I know!” I wailed. “And you know how I get so blue in the winter, and the extra anti-depressants aren’t worrrrrrking.”
“Not at all?” he said.
“No!” I said. “In fact, I’m weepy all the time. Except when I’m angry, which is, like, the other half of the time. I got so mad at my husband the other day that I almost threw my Pinot Noir at his…”
The InShrinkerator narrowed his left eyelid and shifted in his seat. In Shrinkspeak, this means: I just caught you f*&^ing up royally.
“Pinot Noir?” he said.
“Um. Yeah.”
“How long have you been on anti-depressant medication?” he asked.
“Since birth,” I said, slumping in the chair. “But at birth I didn’t know how delicious Pinot Noir was! I know it says on the pill bottle not to drink alcohol, but you told me a few years ago that I could have a leeetle bit and it wouldn’t really do any harm…”
“I did,” he said. And narrowed his eyelid a little more. “How much is a leeetle bit?”
Let’s just say that he didn’t like my answer.
“Are you exercising?” he asked.
“Does walking to the toaster count?”
He didn’t like that answer either.
“Are you eating?”
“Who eats when they’re depressed? A bout of depression is like a productive week with the flu–it’s good for at least a 5-pound weight loss.”
Which is how, in early December, I found myself looking at the InShrinkerator and hearing the words, “…regular meals and vigorous daily exercise and no alcohol whatsoever for 30 days and then we’ll reassess blahblahblah.”
I think his mouth was actually moving but I’m not sure, because at that point his head had morphed into that of a feral, three-headed, drooling dog.
“Whoaaa, hold the phone,” I said. “It’s December? As in, the holidays? As in, the Twelve Days of Cocktails?”
“Do you want to get out of this hole or not?” the feral, three-headed dog said bluntly.
I really kinda sorta did. And if I took my husband and children into consideration (a gracious gesture, in my opinion), I guess I really did. Enough to maybe give his words some thought.
I thought for about 5 minutes and then called my husband.
“Duuuude, my therapist has totally turned into Cerberus. He wants me to eat healthy, exercise vig-or-ous-ly every day and–get this–no booze for 30 whole days. What in the blue blazes has happened to him?”
******
“Are you there? Did you hear me?”
“I heard you.”
“So, really, can you believe that batshit crazy regimen?”
******
Sigh. “Okay, okay, I get it. But I don’t want to do it by myself.” Cue the tune: I’ll Be Selfish for Christmas…
“That’s all right. I’ll do it with you.”
I really don’t deserve that man.
So every day, I’ve been trying to eat well, exercise (vigorously!), and live on seltzer with lime. I’m also on enough antidepressant medication to make a hippo dance the merengue.
I’ve only been bitter about it half the time, which I think is pretty good, considering. I did have a rotten time wrapping presents under the influence of seltzer, but I survived.
And I have to admit, I’m feeling a little better. Contrary to my belief, healthy food, lots of exercise and zero cocktails don’t induce immediate death.
I’m not done with Le Regime yet, and I can’t tell you what I’m going to do when my 30 days are up. Could be that I’ll be back, full-throttle, Pinot (in the teeeeniest glass possible) in hand. Could be that I’ll be kind of back, Pinot not in hand, tossing out recipes for Awesome F&*#ing Mocktails!!! for a while. Could be that I’ll still be scarcer than usual but when I am here, I’ll try to entertain. Time shall tell.
But I’m happy to be here today, sharing the holiday that sort of… wasn’t… with you. I did not catch up on blog posts like I’d planned; all that clean livin’ takes Hella Lotta time, let me tell you. So if you’ll bear with me, I’ll try to ease (really ease) my way back. I’ve got some shiny new healthy recipes for you–perfect for January detox, ne ces pas?
I think I’m the only freak who is beginning the New Year in better shape than she ended it, but January is still a time to focus on good habits. So here’s to Rigorous Rotten January.
What I do know: I’ve missed y’all. And Dear God, I survived a holiday season without cocktails. Even I can’t believe it. I’ll toast to all you lovely readers with cranberry, seltzer and lime tonight. My best gift this year has been you.
Much love,
TKW
{ 50 comments… read them below or add one }
“Fall was Crap” has totally been my catchphrase this year, so I can relate. I’m going to work hard at being sane (and happy) in January!
Loved to the comic too. : )
Hey you :)
I’ve missed you… but am glad to hear you’re taking care of yourself!
Happy New Year… I’m raising my sparkling cranberry juice to you :) xoxo
You don’t have to entertain Witch. You don’t have to do a damn thing.
I’m gonna toast you back with a chocolate cupcake! Happy 2011!
Hugs.
You. Are. Not. Alone. Seriously. There must be something in the Pinot– er, I mean water. A quick glance at any of the comments on your blog and anyone can see how much you are loved and valued here. So carry on with what you need to do. No one’s going anywhere. And I, for one, am here if you need anything.
It is so good to see you back my friend, I have been a little worried about you. I look forward to seeing you grow with the restrictions… If you need anything just holler’
Anti-depressants suck, Kitchy. I mean sure, depression sucks more, but pills that fuck with your brain chemistry and lower your libido and keep you away from booze? That’s bullshit.
I hope things improve real quick-like for you. I’ll keep my fingers crossed. In the meantime, worrying about the blog should be at the bottom of the list. Right there with worrying about eating enough carrots.
Take it easy. I wish you all the best.
-Harker
Here’s wishing you all the best, and you can pop in and out of your blog any time you like! You haven’t seen my Aqua Sunday blog lately, it still has Thanksgiving on it.
Cheers! “clink” to my glass filled with…hey seltzer and cranberry sounds pretty good, but I’ll do pomegranate tonight. (I’m the designated driver) Happy New Year!
Hey KW, Sorry to hear it’s been an uphill slog, but I really appreciate your honesty and your spirit—and I very sincerely wish you and your family a splendid 2011. Here’s to healing through connection, no matter what state we find ourselves in at any given moment. Namaste
I missed your posts, too, but that’s a good thing — absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? And good on you for taking a break and figuring out what you need. All of us — your faithful readers & fans! — will still be here when you’re back in the swing.
I’ve missed you so my dear. I’m glad to hear you’ve been taking care of you. This blogging world is truly fantastic for loving you no matter what and welcoming you back with open arms no matter how long you’ve been gone. You’ve been there for me when I’ve needed to disappear and I’ll continue to be there for you. Hang in there and may 2011 bring lots of smiles and put that snark back in your style. Love ya girl – see you however often in the months to come!
Proud of you.
Much love and exercise and sparkling water to you!
Hey TKW,
Holidays with no booze, exercise and a healthy food plan? Shoot – sounds like everyday of my darned life! How about this: a holiday that was over on December 9th and then, as the month progressed, a steady of feeling of being out of sorts with the world? I should just move to Israel and get it over with!
Anyway, since I’ve spent some time recently on my shrink’s couch too – I swear we have her on retainer – I can relate.
I have always assumed that January was the bleakest month of the year not just because of the cold and dark but because everyone is trying to keep their foolish resolutions to eat better, move more and drink less. I’ll be joining you in all this stuff myself. Misery loves company and I suspect you have plenty. Good on you going to the shrink – they can be useful at times.
I’ve missed you, TKW, but blogging is not the be-all, end-all. When it becomes a chore, don’t do it. When it helps to vent and connect, do it. We’re all here rooting for you.
January is always a bleak month…so glad you have a head start on it.
Dieting, working out, no drinking is going to be the motto of most bloggers this month……
sorry to hear you’ve had a rough go of late. here’s to a cheerier 2011. look forward to your new recipes, because I’ve become a fat slug and my husband is calling himself Captain Fat Ass again.
TKW,
Way to take on that darkness, Kitch! Way to give it a sock in the kisser.
But I’m sorry it’s so hard.
xoxo
GEW
I’m sorry it’s been so hard…but I’m glad you’re back. And I’m right there with you in needing to exercise vig-or-ously and eat better! Looking forward to those recipes!
Yeah – missed you too, but…. right there with you – sorta. I, too, have dealt with some shi-zit this past year and am ready to put it all behind me….. actually, for a couple of years now…. physical decline prevalent….. emotional epiphany of sorts still in progress….. ANYHOO….. cracking up (the over-medicated, privileged, under-afflicted suburban set….. which…. by the way, applies to my urban set too ;-) – think I got some of your fab adjectives wrong….) – you DO have a way with words. I am glad you are feeling better. Nothing like the holidays to amplify all this, right? So …. thank you for some healthy (though you always deliver there, really) recipes this Jan; I am totally on board!
Happy New Year! Sounds like you got a head start on a stupendous New Year. Which of-course will beat a suckpendous year.
♥
I know it’s a long climb out of the abyss…been there and have never liked it. Sorry the mean doc took away the booze, but at least you don’t have to start the low cal, high exercise routine that most of us swear to for New Years! Glad you’re back, missed you!
Oh Kitch…I feel the same, except I am NOT on anti- anything and have done plenty of time on the shrink’s couch and more “organic” Merlot-type medicating than I would like to admit…It has been a rough Fall and holiday season…
Glad to have you whenever you are ready and willing…Hang in there sister. I can’t have anything else happen..my legs might fall off from all the damn running-as-therapy bullshit I’ve been doing…
((you))
Dude. I drank way too much Pinot last night. Then carted three kids through 30 mph winds to the ski resort today. And (raises hand) *I* do overeat when depressed. (See, I don’t have a therapist, so I have to lay this kind of over-privileged stuff on you, instead.)
Joking aside, you have such a refreshing, funny wit, and I’m so glad the strict healthy food/non-alcohol/exercise thing is doing the trick for you.
Hey Kitch! I’m so glad you’re back and sounding more like your regular saucy self. I wish that I lost weight when I’m depressed. That’s just not fair! Seriously, I’m glad you’re back and looking forward to the new year.
I gave up soda for the month of January. Is January over yet??
Good to “hear” your voice again, even the healthy, happy, alcohol-free one. No, especially that one. Happy New Year!
I am so glad you’re back! Thankfully your snarky and sassy self has not been thrown away with the booze. : )
Hey, we could be bitter sisters. I know I’ve had my share of bitter BEEotchyness this year, um make that month.
I’m happy to be here today with you, too.
you rock
xoxoxo
“Sneak Suckage” is my new favorite term. Totally stealing it.
And I don’t mind you taking a break at all, dear one, especially if it means you are feeling better.
Although giving up the wine…*shudder*…the things we have to go through to be healthy.
It’s just frigggin’ unfair.
Hey Kitch!
I sure missed you! However, I am very, VERY glad that you are seeking help and taking care of Y.O.U.! You don’t have to be anything to anyone – just be you! We love you!
Be well and looking forward to reading more!
While you’ve certainly been missed, it’s important to take time for yourself and get yourself back down to neutral–and starting the new year on a healthier note is always, always commendable. As is exercise, if only for the endorphin buzz following it.
Take your time in revving back up–we’ll still be here!
Oh lady. Lady, lady, lady. What to say, except I love you. You need to take care of yourself, and know that we are here however you need. Cause really, it would suck if you couldn’t come back up to your ordinary crankariness with a dose of charm and wit. :-)
I’m thinking of you lots, e-mail anytime. You know I understand.
xoxoxo
♥♥♥♥ Take care of you. ♥♥♥♥
Love you, friend. Am here, if you need anything. One phone call, email, facebook message away. Ok? Ok.
(re: the tone of the above post: how do you do it? make me laugh and cry at the same time? what an amazing writer you are…with or without pinot.)
I have been missing you! I need my weekly fix of TKW. We are all on your side, and cheering for you. I am holding up my glass this evening of pinot noir and toasting you. If you suddenly feel a warm flush, it was me.
You are writing about a miserable experience that you are having and still you bring laughter, and that special something that makes me say “hey, I know what she is talking
about, I get it” You are awesome.
Velva
Glad to see you’re back from your hiatus. Hope the new happy pills make things all shiny and sparkly. Suckage really does have a way of ruining the party doesn’t it?
My body could use a little vigorous exercise + healthy eating. And so could my mind. You just may be my new hero.
Kitch: Your honesty is so refeshing and authentic that it floors me. Glad your back.
xoxo
I am so, so sorry you had to forgo alcohol through the holiday season. Speaking from last year’s experience, that is more kinds of sucktacular than is printable. That said, I’m glad you made it through.
<3
I’m so sorry you were in such a state and I didn’t know. I’m here for you and hoping that things get much, much better. Love you. Mean it.
This post was about 24 kinds of awesome. I have a great head shrinker too, and I have to say the Cymbalta I’ve been taking hasn’t quite taken the edge off lately. But I do love my Chardonnay and hadn’t quite put the two together. Oopsie.
Glad to “see” you back and hope things start looking up soon for all of us!
;-)
Kitchy, nice to have you back. Not the same on my google feed without you!
I do hope you are bringing back SMAM from last year. I really need it and you are an inspiration. Hey, don’t feel bad about mocktails. Just think of all the preggo gals who are going through the same thing, and what an inspiration you’ll be to them!
Siren
You were missed. Glad you’re back, and hell-to-the-yeah on getting better.
I missed your posts, but your deliciously hilarious story made up for the lost time. I applaud you for making it through the holidays with no booze. You are a strong woman! ;) I get the winter blues, too, some years worse than others. 2 years ago it was pretty bad, so I can relate. I went to my own head shrinker and assessed my mommy issues so that I could survive the holidays with her. It really helped!
Glad you’re back and looking forward to more of your awesome posts in the new year. Oh and you probably missed the reindeer cookies during your hiatus. They were fun!
Only you can take a sad story involving anti depressants and turn it into a hilarious rampage. You’re amazing–put a computer in front of you, and you’re able to put a funny spin on anything. In all seriousness though, take care of yourself!! I’m glad your husband is jumping into this regimen with you–it sounds tough, and I’m sure you’ll need his support. I can’t wait to have you back–but take all the time you need!
That man sounds like a gift
The hubs not the shrinky dink
I’m so glad you’re (sort of) back! We’ve missed you!
And I’m (sort of) looking forward to healthy recipes…I can still cover them in hot fudge and whipped cream though, right?
You’re the bestest sista from another mista! Hugs to you and congrats to your amazing feat. You’re a better woman than I!
Hey-y-y-y-y! Your back. Yeah!!!!! Keeping you in my thoughts.
Have missed you. But where you’ve been is more important than here. Take as many breaks as you need. Hopefully Suck-uary will not come to pass and things will start looking up for you soon. Take care of yourself!
thump thump thump thump.
That’s my heart beating with empathy, adoration, and the anxiety that comes with hearing someone else is doing something hard to get themselves back, when I know I should do the same.
With you in spirit. Thumpingly.
The influence of seltzer can be dangerous, TKW. All that fizz and…what else does it have, again? Does it help remove internal stains?
I’m kidding. And I love you. And I’m so proud of the steps you’re taking.
I think God was having a laugh when he made all the things we tend to love…bad for you. I’m going to try and cut down of caffeine, alcohol and try to eat more healthily…especially now I am going back to the CAKE ZONE (aka the office). And yoga is meant to be good too so a dose of that is being added to the mix.
So sorry to hear you have been struggling. That sucks. Holiday times should be happier times – though it doesn’t always follow. I think you are on the right track though – and you are so lucky to have the support.
You’ll get there in the end. I know you will. xxx
You totally made me imagine the look on your Shrinkerators face when you mentioned the pinot and it is priceless! Just beging pregnant and having no wine for a few holiday sesaons was one thing but to be down in the dumpers without wine…well, that sucks. And to add the horror (in my world) of vigorous exercise would put me over the edge.
I’m glad you are feeling a bit better and will so join you in a mocktail any time sweets!