Why didn’t someone send me the memo? You know, the memo about how Motherhood=Swiss Cheese Brain?
How is it that the minute you push a human being out of an impossibly small orifice, you lose an exponential amount of your working brain? Isn’t the birthing process arduous enough?
(pssst: Mr. Narveson–I know I almost flunked Geometry and had to cheat like a bandit to make it through, but check me out…using words like exponential and stuff.)
See?
That’s what happens. Seriously. I can’t maintain a train of thought for more than two minutes.
My brain, which used to function quite well, thank you very much, turned traitor on me the minute I gave birth. Suddenly, my mind became…bouncy. Wicked-ass bouncy. I’m the cranial equivalent of Jiffy Pop.
Oh, you want another pancake? Sure. POP. Please don’t squat and pee in the corner–doNOTsquatandpeeinthecornersohelpmeGod! POP. Honey, you want coffee? Jesus, I forgot to buy coffee. POP. Did Harryboy just throw up on Miss M’s pillow pet? POP. You need a costume for what tomorrow? POP. POP. POP.
Crap I have forgotten recently:
~My purse. At a restaurant. Several times.
~My social security number, even though I attended a university so honking big that my SSN was my name for four years. “And you are?” “143-872…”
~How to spell my last name when ordering Chinese takeout.
~My cell phone. Or if I don’t forget it, I forget to charge the *&^&% thing.
~Miss D.’s doctor’s appointment.
~The detailed conversations with my husband about Pakistan/India relations. I think we’ve had three of them, and I still can’t remember why they’re pissed off at one another.
~Every damn field trip permission slip for the months April-May.
~What time I need to pick Miss M. up from pre-k.
~Physically registering Miss M. for kindergarten next year. It doesn’t happen automatically. Who knew?
~How long it takes to zap an Easy Mac.
~Garbage day. Buzzkill.
~Volunteer slot at D’s school. Way to make an impression, mom. “Oh, hi scary transvestite-looking lady with dirty hair and a Van-Halen t-shirt, arriving 25 minutes late for the ONE hour you offered to help out at school this week…”
~Bake sale. What? Oreos aren’t acceptable confections?
~Arbor Day celebration at pre-k. Arbor Day? Really? I’m sorry, but I’m almost indignant that I was expected to show up for that shit.
~My own Blog Birthday. I’m off by almost two months. Who forgets things like that? Apparently, mental midgets like me. I didn’t even realize it until Bryan posted on his two year blog birthday, and then I thought, “Huh. When did I start this thing? Has it been one year? Two?” And then I had to go back into the archives and look. Beginning of April. Two years ago. I suck.
I blame Swiss Cheese Brain.
Anyways, what I really wanted to do was express my deepest thanks to all of you who read my words in this space. Your comments, encouragement, support, and love have meant so much to me. I have the coolest tribe of readers in the Outback. Y’all rock my block. Special thanks to the lovely Ink, who promised me I could do this bloggy thing, even when I thought she was a liar. And of course to Sarah, who re-designed this silly jumble to look like something legit.
***
And now for the BIG news! I am now a proud Auntie for the first time! Leela Keller was born last evening. She’s a healthy, beautiful 8 1/2 pound bundle of joy! Congrats to my beautiful sister-in-law and her family!
I think, after two days of labor, my sister-in-law deserves one of these, don’t you? And pssst…let’s not tell her just yet about that Swiss cheese brain, mmkay?
recipe courtesy of Giada De Laurentis
1/2 cup fresh lime juice
1/4 cup mint leaves, plus more for garnish
2 1/2 cups white rum
1/4 cup agave syrup
In a blender, puree watermelon, fresh lime juice and mint in batches until smooth. Strain into a pitcher. Mix in rum and syrup. Serve in glasses filled with ice and garnish with mint leaves.
~Adios, Compadres! The T. family is off to Mexico shortly to kick off the summer madness! I will miss you all but will be back in a week or so…hopefully with some good stories!
ps: If you’ve forgotten something as ridiculous as any of the things on my list above, I’d be thrilled if you’d share. I need to know that I’m not the only one losing her gray matter. :) xo Love to you all.
{ 68 comments… read them below or add one }
Does forgetting to pick up the child from the bus stop count, because I about do that daily, I even have an alarm on my phone to remind me and forget.
This is just one of the many reasons I love reading your blog…reaffirmation that I’m not “the only one”. Happy belated blog birthday ;)
he he fun post I couldn’t agree more
And then there’s forgetting to give your child lunch AND lunch money. Or leaving your hat at a party and your purse at a restaurant, all in the same day. Have fun in Mexico!
Tamar,
I’ve gotten that call. “Mama? Ummm, you forgot to pack my lunch?” Walk of shame to the school.
Fun post, and all so true! That watermelon mojito looks fabulous. Have a few of those and become even more forgetful :-)
I have been swearing that children kill mothers’ brain cells for years. It is nice to see that someone else agrees!! ;-)
In our house we call it “brain termites” and I blame all the drugs I took for my back. Have you ever left the house for work without your shoes?
Those mojitos look delightful! After a couple of those, I wouldn’t care what I forgot!
Have a great vacation and don’t forget the sunscreen!
Erica,
I have not left work without my shoes but I have arrived at work wearing one black one and one navy one. Awesome.
I got to the car in my slippers one time and my youngest mentioned I was wearing them so I went in and got my shoes, LOL
Congratulations auntie! And happy belated blog-birthday!
If it makes you feel any better I couldn’t immediately remember my SSN # a few weeks ago when I had to switch over from Wachovia to Wells Fargo (I could only recite the last four digits!) because it had literally been YEARS since I had to enter it anywhere.
Elizabeth,
You are in the process of moving, which is the 7th ring of Hell. You pretty much have carte blanche, kid. Go do tons of irresponsible crap and then shrug and say, “Hey! I’m MOVING.” Everyone will just nod in sympathy.
I have forgotten more things than that lately and tried to water a fake plant–I have no children. I need an excuse, but refuse to push a human being out of an impossibly small orifice. Perhaps I’ll blame the dog…
Abby,
God, you always make me laugh.
Swiss Cheese Brain. Yep. (I would’ve preferred Gouda, myself.) Really – why isn’t that in the “What to Expect” books?
Happy Belated Blogoversary!
xoxo
I would be happy to share, but I can’t remember what I forgot. But I did lose my keys one time. In my car. For real.
Happy belated 2nd blog birthday–and congrats on the ‘being an aunt’ thing. I didn’t realize what a big deal that was until I became and aunt myself this year. And stop trying to scare me off reproduction! Just when I start feeling like it might be doable . . . =)
Surprisingly enough, my memory is still intact. It’s just everything else that has disappeared since I’ve had kids. Time, my looks, my patience… what was I saying again?
Congrats and have fun! Can I go with you?
Congrats Auntie!
I have a terrible habit for forgetting to reset the clocks to spring forward or fall back. I have shown up 1 hour early for work twice (annoying yes, but no big deal). But one year I was a TA and I strolled in to a class an hour late to administer a quiz to the students…ooops.
Samantha,
Ack! The time change! EVERY year, I forget. They need to get rid of that thing so we space-outs can catch a break.
Congratulations on becoming an aunt (and belated congrats on your second blogiversary)!
The most consistent evidence of my own Swiss cheese brain happens in front of the refrigerator where I stand, several times a day, having completely forgotten what I am there to retrieve for myself or one of the small people who sent me there.
xo
Kristen,
My pantry has the exact same effect on me.
Well at least you are not a helicopter mom.
A few weeks ago–It was time to take Cole to school. So I went out- got in my car and drove off—it wasn’t until Rascal (my Jack Russell) jumped into the passenger seat that I noticed I had driven off without Cole. I was about 10 minutes from home. Dam kid, he is never where he is suppose to be…he told everyone why he was late to school….
Happy Blog Birthday!
I still don’t know exactly when I started my blogs. I know the first one was some time over the summer, just because that is when I had the time to devote to doing it. I keep forgetting my email address is .net not .com
Now for the drink, I can’t remember the last time I ….no just kidding. This one looks like a good one to try this weekend! Yum and refreshing!
I always had swiss cheese brain, even before I had my daughter!
Congrats on being an Auntie! I think if you sneak those mojitos in a thermos to the hospital to visit, no one will notice! :D
So much to respond to…
1. I am Forgetful Person, too, these days. Half the time I put in the wrong password to, well, everything.
2. Your description of yourself arriving at that meeting? Hee!
3. Happy Aunt-y-ness! That’s wonderful news! Lucky baby to score you as an aunt.
4. Happy Two Year Blogaversary! Keep those awesome posts coming.
5. While I do remember cajoling/begging you to start blogging, you (super-talented, darling friend) of course flew on your own wings right out of the gate. And you’ve been soaring ever since! xoxo
Love you, Ink. Will never forget that first e-mail: “Well, let’s get you started…”
Join the club and there is no reason for my swiss cheese brain shenanigans. Usually it involves a journey and a plane. I’ve gotten to the airport a day early just to learn I booked my flight a day too late. And so it goes. But I’m getting better. *I think*…
Ummm, yeah. There was that one time when I was a whole week off? *running in shame*
Oh my gosh.
Just yesterday? I went in to sign my 3 up for swim lessons. Complete with money in hand.
You should’ve seen the poor young thing’s face when she looked up at me and said, “err…you already signed them up?!”
Em.Bar.Ras.Sing
Losing my shit in front of a cute young thing.
Yes, pretty little teen, this THIS this is your future.
Alexandra,
You cannot be in the club. You already performed. Only failure counts. You overachiever. I’m always humiliated because I can never remember what “level” my kids are on from month to month.
It’s terrible what motherhood does to the brain…sad thing is that it doesn’t get any better when they grow up because by then the damage has been done!!! Have a great vacay!
I was just telling my husband the other day that I think I have early-onset alzheimers. I forgot words all the time. Like mid-sentence. And they are resting there on the tip of my tongue but I just can’t spit them out. I hope it’s motherhood, at least I can handle that excuse.
Congratulations Auntie!! I’ll make one of these this weekend and I’ll send a toast to you!
xo
Happy Belated Blogoversary Kitch! Congrats on becoming an Aunt.
Have a great time in Mexico!
Proof! That I am not the only one who can remember what she did twenty-years ago, but can’t remember what I was doing 5 minutes ago.
Happy Blog Birthday to you. I am planning to enjoy many more years, reading your blog.
Cheers.
Velva
Velva,
Memory is a strange thing. How come I can remember the Oscar Meyer hot dog jingle from 1976 but not recall the name of the dude(s) who broke the Watergate scandal? I am convinced that my brain is a magnet, attracting only flotsam and jetsam.
All I can think is, “Oh, thank God, Kitch zaps Easy Mac, too.” Oh, and congrats, Aunt Kitch! =>
Stacia,
Don’t get me started. I let Miss M. eat chicken nuggets at 9:30 in the morning. In my defense, she gets up at 5:30, like a dang rooster, so I call it lunch #1.
Aye. Swiss cheese brain must be my middle name. How about forgetting the name of a person you are introducing, who you have known for over a year? I do that consistently.
Congratulations Auntie! Wish I were going to Mexico too! ; )
Gas in our area lingers around the $4/gallon mark. I consistently forget where I am going once I am behind the wheel of my car. I start driving and have to stop and think about where it was I was headed and holy shit I’m going the complete opposite direction. Sadly, I drive around a lot for my job.
If the jackass that wrote the “What to Expect” books put swiss cheese brain in there we’d have a huge decrease in the population… Just sayin’
Word.
That’s why my kids nicknames are “boy” and “girl”
K,
Dammit. Is that why my husband calls me “honey?” :)
I know there are things we can do to improve our memories… but I forgot what they are.
I sure can relate to the swiss cheese brain you speak of. ;) Have a great time on your vaca! Oh yes, the mojito rocks!
Oh, Sweetheart, I have to write EVERYTHING down now. I remember when I used to go to the grocery store without a list. God help me if I forget to bring the list. I’ve left my cellphone countless times at home. (If you do this pregnant, like five people are going to sh*t bricks.) Oh, last year, nearly forgot Evan’s birthday until it was 10 days away. Ever try to throw together a birthday celebration in 10 days? Ugh. I’ve forgotten to bring the lunch that Evan forgot. I could go on and on. Bring over the mojitos and we’ll compare notes.
Fae,
I have you beat. This year, I remembered Mira’s birthday the DAY before. I was a madwoman in the SuperTarget. Shameful!
Underpants, my own. Discoverd it before I headed out to the office… luckely
From Belgium,
Oooh, that’s a good one!
First of all….the answer to your Swiss Cheese Brain is post-it notes, my pet. Besides, it’s good practice for when you get to be MY age.
Now what else was I going to comment about??????????????
Oh that’s right, the mojito. It won’t help your brain much but I bet your SIL could use a good drink right about now. Congrats to her!
Your posts prepare me for some of the craziness that is motherhood :) I think even without being a mom is would still be confusted about who’s mad at who in the India/Pakistan area… Also, that mojito looks so tasty, and perfect for summer! Enjoy your vacation!!
My brain went “swiss cheesy” the second I got pregnant. I distinctly remember (oddly enough) a moment at work at about the 4 month mark in which I forgot what I needed to write down in the seconds it took me to peel a post-it and place it in front of me to write. Not kidding at all – never remembered that important “to do”.
I forget my SSN, my son’s birthdate, my cell phone is never charged enough, and a multitude of other important bits of information and objects. I’m sad to hear it doesn’t go away. Darn.
Enjoy Mexico!
Anne,
You just have to embrace the Tao of Cheese.
I am one of the most scatterbrained people that I know (or I have forgotten others).
Thanks for the mention… actually when I didn’t see your blogaversery post I figured that you just weren’t as self absorbed as me ;-)
I think that I have everything for that drink… maybe I will kill a couple more brain cells with that then hopefully I can remember to post something similar.
Bryan, you adorable lug. I’m a blogger, babe–the epitome of It’s All About Me! But that’s why we get to be a comrades with such a kickass tribe of like-minded, insecure, narcissistic writers. So it ain’t all bad.
Congrats! That mojito looks amazing. Do you make any for blogging friends? Also, I forget everything, too. I just read Anne Lamott, who said children come out holding a fifth of their mothers’ brains. Mine took more.
Congratulations, auntie! So great, being an aunt — all the spoiling, none of the responsibility.
(I still can’t tell you often enough how much I love your blog. Thank you for writing one, thank you for sticking to it. It ain’t easy.)
Even though it’s been a few years ago, I completely forgot to pick up my kid from school once. Have felt terribly guilty about it ever since but seems like I’m not alone.
Congratulations on two years of blogging. I’m pretty close behind you.
Have fun with your niece. That’s the best kind of baby–one you can send home when it’s time to go to bed. :-)
Congratulations on the new niece! Aunthood rocks! Have a wonderful time in Mexico and here’s to hoping that your long-standing vacation malaise does not follow you south of the border!
Congrats, Auntie!!!
As for the forgetfulness… I’m 17 weeks pregnant. Oh how I feel your pain!
It’s not forgetfulness, it’s distractedness. If that’s even a word. And I forgot my blog anniversary too. Well, to be fair, I was conscious the time was approaching and then it was well after when I thought of it again. Congrats on the anniversary.
I can’t begin to remember what I’ve forgotten in the last year because of thesis brain (kind of like Swiss cheese, I suppose). But happy two years to you and your awesome blog, congratulations on your aunthood, and may the drinks in Mexico be potent. (If they wipe your memory completely but only temporarily, is that a bad thing?)
I had a crap memory and I blamed it on the pot when I was a teenager…..Now I have two kids, I have no memory, can’t spell to save myself and am also number 1 crap mum when it comes to school stuff (that’s turning up on time, doing reading groups etc…poor Alex).
I love your blog and awesome news for your SIL x
I write things down and don’t refer to them so that doesn’t make me any better. But with Thumper due any moment now (WTH is she???? I can’t wait already – that watermelon mojito is calling out to me!!!!), I’m sure massive amounts of grey matter will seep out with her. And then we can commiserate about all those things we missed together. Including a shower or two, although some days that’s intentional. Ahem.
Happy belated blogiversary and congrats on being an aunt! :)
Congratulations on becoming an aunt :)
Have fun in Mexico!
Just this week,I forgot my only niece’s birthday. Except I also forgot what day it was and then asked a nice lady and learned that it was in fact the gorgeous creature’s birthday. So I called. But after she was in bed.
And in cleaning a closet today, I found our Christmas stockings and ornaments. From a year and a half ago. I ripped up the house looking for those. Which actually looks like – let check the attic…pop… Oh, here are the baby shoes, but they won’t fit my baby any more…pop…where are those two year old clothes? Let’s look in this box…pop…kitchen stuff? (we moved nearly two yearsago.)
I cannot remember a thing, I’m in this weird time warp with having a teen and then three little ones completely zapping my brain power. I constantly forget everything for my teen. The soccer moms think I’m a complete loon, late for everything with my monster stroller and no check for the banquet. I think I need a watermelon mojito.
Can so relate. Months ago I booked our post-school beach vacation by securing the condo, scheduling the dogsitter, and generally clearing my calendar. Yet I forgot to tell my HUSBAND that everything was set up and somehow we didn’t talk about it until last week (10 days before we leave!). Turns out he has a crapload of work commitments that same week. Oops. He was able to mostly rearrange, but sheesh…who forgets to get the Hubs on board? Who else is going to make me watermelon mojitos?