My entire life, I’ve been a complete klutz. Klutzuz Maximus.
The running joke in my family is that if there’s a stray electrical cord anywhere in the house, my foot will find it. It’s not much of an overstatement.
I have broken one of my toes (left foot, the one next to the pinkie, if you are interested) four times. One of those times, it was the night before an early departure to London for a week’s vacation. Another time, it was two days before a ski trip at the $%$$ Ritz Carlton in Beaver Creek.
Clearly, my toes are averse to travel. I’ve broken two toes on my other foot, as well, but they don’t seem to have the sadistic timing of that fucker on the left. The Fucker Toe now looks like some gnarled piece of wood or–now that I think of it–a ginger root.
I should be embarrassed by my Ginger-Root Toe, but I’m so vindictive that I think it has earned the right to be that ugly. I display it in my summer flip-flops with pride.
Oddly, aside from toes, I’ve never broken any other bone in my body. Clumsy creature that I am, how is that possible? Well, readers, it’s simple. I hate sports. Sports are…anathema. I suckity suck at every sport except swimming, and it’s hard to break a limb bobbing around in the pool. I’m an indoor girl. I spent my childhood summers on the couch, reading voraciously, snacks by my side. It was heaven. I’ve been on the couch ever since.
As vexing as my toe-cracking has been, I’m a lucky duck. Consider the collateral damage– Hubs: 2 broken arms. Awesome Stepkid R. : 3 broken arms…extra points for having 2 broken arms simultaneously (Hello, awkward!) Daddy-O: 2 broken legs. Mama: several broken toes and broken ribs. Even our aged, piss-happy Harryboy has broken something.
Crazy thing is, the one person I am 100% sure deserves a broken limb–Miss D.–hasn’t had one. That girl is a dervish. Tornado Alley. Miss D. falls or crashes into something at least three times a day. She runs on edges of pools, flips on trampolines, rides scooters and bicycles with Lance Armstrong verve. Her body is covered with so many bruises and scars and band aids that there’s hardly any skin showing.
Miss M. is not a dervish. She’s a softer child; the kind who hangs around the edges at the playground for a while before engaging. Unlike her sister, she knows fear. M. is not the child I envision earning frequent flyer miles at the E.R.
We got our initiation this week.
Of course, she couldn’t break her arm in any normal fashion, so she had to go to a special hospital and get special surgery and, as you can see, a very special cast. She’s channeling her inner Seuss, ja?
This is why you haven’t seen my snarky ass around lately. Between veterinarian visits for The Pisser and E.R./hospital visits for Miss M., this ass has been in a waiting room. Or seven.
I feel so sad for M.–it’s a bummer time to be rockin’ a full arm cast. Little Minx isn’t bitter about it yet, but I can feel it a-comin’. It’s sucks to spend summer days without sprinklers.
I’m just grateful that it happened this week, because in a few days, hubs and I leave for our second honeymoon. The one we wanted to take on our 10th wedding anniversary, and then on our 11th anniversary, but it didn’t happen. Life and work and the damned dollar get in the way sometimes.
We depart Monday, and I’m really hoping that I don’t come down with some dreaded disease or fall victim to the Sadistic Toe. I’ll miss you all terribly–my goal is to be mostly unplugged for the week, so I can actually enjoy this guy I’m married to. Jeez, can you imagine? What the Hell has gotten into me?
I hope the coming week brings you joy, and I can’t wait to see you when I return. Because you know there’s gonna be a story in it, right? As Mama loves to say, “With you, there’s always something…”
Hugs, kisses and Mai Tai’s,
TKW
Love to you all, and I wish you a week of unbroken things and sunny days.
{ 63 comments… read them below or add one }
Aww sorry . I hope your honeymoon is a great one :)
Oh No! And she looks so sweet about displaying her Seussical arm… There must be quite a story in that. Well, I hope you and hubs and your gnarly toe have an awesome time ;) !!!
What!?! picking your husband over us? What has gotten in to you?
More Miss M. what a tough time to have that happen… I do like the cast though. Enjoy your travels my friend.
Have fun on your second honeymoon! I’m sorry to hear about your girl’s arm – that must have been one hell of a tumble.
Aww…just look at that face, how can you stand it? My little sister was always the klutz in the family, but believe it or not none of us three girls ever had a broken bone, or glasses, or stitches, or allergies, or asthma, or braces, or were ever in the ER…boy my parents had it easy! :D
Have a wonderful second honeymoon…you deserve it for sure!
I’ve been following your updates, but that picture spoke 1,000 words. Holy crap with that cast! Perhaps she’s being patriotic for the Fourth of July? At any rate, hugs, kisses and virgin Mai Tais to the little trooper. At least she can use this as a bargaining ploy for more “fun” activities once she’s recovered.
Enjoy your break–and your husband–and come back to us in one piece. Please.
Ah – at last! Kinship in the broken bones biz!
Like you, the only bones I’ve ever broken have been teeny-tiny-toe bones. The most recent occurrence (cough, choke, will I really admit this?) – just a few weeks back. Tripping over my own stuff – stacks of reference books and boxes.
Perhaps less cool than a nifty cast (with autographs), I’ve decided that twisty-toes are chic. Just paint the toenails, and call it a day…
Oh my! Look at that face! Bummer to be broken but she is a doll.
As for your frinkly toe, I recommend spending as much time on said couch as you can before the departure date, less chances of hurting yourself lol.
My 6 year old daughter has no fear either. I worry every time we go out in public, as she is covered in scrapes and bruises, that someone will think I beat her or something lol. Never anything serious hurt on her, thank goodness. It is me who does the trip over air and fall over while standing still thing and rack up the horrible wounds.
You are in good company!
Enjoy your trip!
Bella,
I’m convinced that any time I take the girls out, people think I’m a beater. And it’s tempting, lemme tell ya, but no. All injuries are on their own power.xo
Safe trip!
(Not a *trip*, but a TRIP to somewhere other than a klutz rollcall)
And don’t you dare behave. rawrrrrr! Happy 12th anniv you two crazy kids.
That is the coolest cast EVER! Love the swirly colors! Hope she’s feeling better now. And hope that you are feeling better too (know how scary that is)!
And hope that you have a great second honeymoon.
Happy anniversary!
Actually, our anniversary is in September, but this is when he can get time off. Here’s to Plan D! Love you, Inky.
Awww…so sorry Miss M! But you have a very stylish cast! And Happy Anniversary to your Mom…hope they have a great trip!
On the positive side, the little one has a very attractive cast. Now, not trying to one up you but I’ve broken the little toe on my right foot on the tiled side of our “spa” tub (which we never use). You’d think I would have learned my lesson the first time!
Hope your second honeymoon occurs without mishap. Are you going some place soft?
Best,
Bonnie
Hugs to you and Miss M. Hubs can get hugs from you.
Our fam hits the road this week to deliver eldest son (the one prone to breaking his bones) to the Naval Academy. It promises to be an emotional trip.
Have fun on your honeymoon. The idea sounds so lovely! But please remember to come back.
So sorry! Enjoy your well deserved time alone! About the time you get back I’ll be leaving to be unplugged for ten days…so see ya when we’re both back at everyday life!
I wanted to have a cast as a little girl…I was always a wee bit jealous of the kids that got to come in with those permanent markers and brightly dyed casts! I hope you have a wonderful second honeymoon, my dear woman. You deserve it!
It IS uncanny. My hubster is a dirt biking, motorcycle riding, surfing, snowboarding crazy man, and he has never broken a bone. Neither has his like-spirited brother. I, on the other hand, who am bookish, have broken and hand a a toe. And my quite cautious son has broken a leg and a collar bone. What gives?
Nevertheless, happy vacay to you! Some day, my hubs and I will have a honeymoon. As is, we’ve only had a familymoon since the Boy was 10 weeks old at our wedding, so he came along for our 3-day jaunt.
Poor Minxy. I am sending you all the positive vibes and good juju I can muster that your second honeymoon goes off without a hitch. And get that girl a body bubble!
Oh poor Miss M! snazzy cast though.
Have a fabulous time with hubs and suck down a few extra bevvy’s coz’ I think you’ll need the memories when you come home lol xx
Holy broken bones batman! Maybe you should wrap yourself in some bubble wrap just in case. Have a great time!!
Don’t let the cast ruin Ms. M’s summer. Get the largest zip lock you can find and wrap her arm in it, and then duct tape it down. Totally good enough for the sprinkler. Necessity is the mother of invention, and my mother did this to me when I was a kid. On a 90 plus degree day, a kid will agree to all kinds of crazy to cool off with the others! Enjoy the honeymoon!
Patty,
Guess who went out and bought heavy-duty trash bags for just that purpose? :)
Poor D. A cast in the summer really does suck. I hope she gets it off quick so that she can enjoy some of the summer activities.
I dunno – they called me Clutzy Cathy my whole life – 6 concussions, 4 or 5 broken toes (one the ski weekend blow out of my 40th bday), a shattered elbow, broken foot, gouged eye. Yah I spent a lot of time in the ER – so much between 5th and 6th grade they kept my file on the ER desk and knew me by name – no lie.
Sucks for Miss M. So sorry to hear – yes, the resentment is on the way. Maybe it’ll kick in when you’re on your second honeymoon and then be over it by the time you’re back? A girl can wish, right?
Cathy,
Gouged eye?! Anything involving an eye makes me drop-dead frantic.
Big Booya for casts during summer!
Have fun!
I hope you do stay unplugged, and that it’s wonderful. But I’m afraid with this post that you may have jinxed yourself. I hope not!! “See” you soon!!!
xo
So sorry about M’s broken arm–I do however applaud her choice of cast colors and the fact that she did it prior to your vacation–you won’t have the same kind of worry you would have had if she has broken it while you are honeymooning and you will miss some of the whining that is sure to occur after the cast has been on for awhile–there is no way you can say, “stop whining about your broken arm.”
I have never broken a bone-I am not known for my natural grace but my bones just bounce and the same (knock on wood) is true for Cole. As for you–MIND THOSE TOES! Perhaps you should wear a lovely pair of bowling shoes until you are safely on the airplane.
I have written a book not a comment (must have missed you)–hope you have a great trip and I will say a special prayer for the safety of your piggies.
Have a wonderful time, Tender Toes!
Miss M is such a little heartbreaker! Yikes! An above-the-elbow cast??? Holy crap! Can’t exactly stick it in a bread bag and hit the sprinklers, can she? I hope the little sweetheart is a quick healer.
Kitch, it sounds like your world is full of crazy. Enjoy that second honeymoon. I wish my arm cast had been as cool as Miss M’s. Folks at the ER seemed to know me on a first name basis.
Ok, am I a total freak because I was hoping for a pic of the ginger root?
That so sucks for your girl…but it always amazes me how nearly unfazed kids are by these things.
And one week away????? Can’t wait to hear about it…try to stay away from any toxic water this time, eh? It just isn’t sexy to have the runs. Enjoy!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Liz,
Believe me, you don’t want to see it. But you’re my kind of freak. :)
Have a great time with your man, and JUST your man! No internet . . . no kids . . . how could it not be awesome?? =) Though I’m sure you’ll have some great and funny stories to tell upon your return, and I’m already looking forward to hearing them.
I realize this isn’t at all the point of your post, but… Miss M is a dead ringer for you. (You know, coloring aside.) She has your sweet little nose and big doe eyes. So cute!!
Get well soon, Miss M!! And what you lack in sprinklers in swimming pools, make sure your mama makes it up to you with cookies and lemonade!!
Oh, and have a great honeymoon, Kitch!!!
Oh Kitch. I’m wishing you LOTS of luxurious vacation sans broken ANYTHING and lots of get-well wishes to Miss M. Have an extra Mai Tai for me. Or three.
Bon voyage, my dear. May your bones be jumped, but not broken. :)
Loved this comment Kristen! Made me smile…
Me, too!
Kitch,
Hope you have a great second honeymoon! When is your wedding anniversary? Just curious because we are celebrating our 10th this week.
Rudri,
Not until September 15. He could only get the time off now, but I ‘m not complaining. Happy 10th to you and your lovely husband!
Have a wonderful honeymoon! (I’ll miss you, dear bloggy friend xoxoxo)
I’m woefully late in seeing this (The Google Reader runneth over) but I hope you’re having a fantabulous time and that all your digits are intact.
Oh my goodness you have such an insane sense of humour. Have the best time on your holiday and wear shoes ya’ hear!
Oh how I’ve missed your blog! Secretly I’m glad you’re going on vacation because then it gives me time to catch up on previous posts that I’ve missed. You’re such a delight. Your words are LOL funny sometimes and other times, I’m just inspired by its raw honesty. Thanks for making my evening.
I’m sorry about M’s arm. Hope she feels better soon. And have a wonderful vacation/honeymoon with your man. Have a cocktail or 30 for me. xoxo
I’m hoping for peace, quiet, all bones in tact and lots of libations! Enjoy your get away. Looking forward to your snarky return ;)
Poor little Miss M. I hope she still hasa great summer.
Have fun on your trip! I’m so envious.
My father always told me my broken toes were because I walked like a duck. Gee, thanks Dad.
And if you’ll recall, last summer I broke my arm right before going to the islands. We’re going again this August and I am walking slowly and wearing rubber soled shoes. :)
Poor Miss M. Ouch. I feel for her.
Have a super vacation with hubs!
Barbara,
You walk like a duck, too? We are soulmates.
Poor little mite! But she looks pretty stoic in the photo! How did she do that?! How long will it take to heal?
Where r u off to on your honeymoon no. 2? Sounds exciting! And yes! Of course we expect stories!!! xxx
CC,
She (not on purpose) did a forward somersault at the top of a playground slide. So glad I didn’t name her Grace.
While I only broke one bone (arm, right at start of summer vacation at eleven) and dislocated one finger—my specialty was concussions. So many I lost count, but they also may have made it hard to count.
In any event, I wish healing thoughts for your household and happy trails for your holiday.
Aw, poor thing, summer without sprinklers is never fun. :(
Hope you have a wonderful time with the hubs and being unplugged!!
I am 43 and I have never broken anything. Of course, by writing that out, I have just jinxed myself!
I DO hope you’ve had a fabulous time, and that you have story after story you can share with your readers, who are on the edge of their seats waiting for them!
-kjd
Here’s to a happy second helping of honeymoon goodness!
And seriously, bubble wrap her ass until her bones get stronger! My youngest is like that, but blessedly nothing has ever been broken expect what was left of my last nerve…
Have a wonderful time!
Maria,
Ah, that last nerve…it’s been broken many a time, eh? Made me laugh!
We’ll miss your snarking ass comments! I love your stories, and I can’t wait for your return. Your friendly lurker!
PeasantFoodie,
And now you aren’t a lurker! Awesome! Hi!
Have a great trip!! Don’t think about us readers for a SECOND! Seriously, go go go! And then don’t forget to come back.
Your daughter is precious. Yikes about the “special” broken arm.
Enjoy that much needed vacation in the sun. We will be here when you return.
Velva
Aw-w-w-w. Sweet baby! Hope she gets better soon. And I hope you have a fabulous time with your hubby.
Maybe you can bring her back a lei to match the cast. =>