Ten Lessons my Mom Needs to Learn: A Missive From my Children

August 18, 2011

 

~10 Lessons Mommy Needs to Learn: Miss D. and Miss M. Version

Yo, Mommy. You need some edu-macatin’, girl.  There’s stuff you’re seriously sucking at.  M: Okay, I think “sucking” is a little harsh, don’t you think? D: No, really, she sucks.

But that’s okay, Mommy. We’re here to help you out. It’s our job, you know.  So here’s a wee list of items we’d like to teach you:

1. Snack Ingenuity: If Mommy is negligent and fails to pack snacks for a trip to the park, just use what’s on hand to create your own! It’s seriously not that hard! Examples: Toe jam, discarded popsicle sticks, belly button lint, gum found stuck to the playground slide  and–a personal favorite–boogers.  Boogers are portable, always in season and we’re pretty sure they don’t have carbs.

2. Art of Persuasion: We don’t know why Mommy bothers to argue with Daddy. She’s ridiculous. M: Any girl with brains knows that you just pull out one of these and he’ll shut up and do what you want.

D: And if that doesn’t work, pull out one of these:


3. Fashion Sense: Make it work, people!  Mommy needs to understand the power of color. And pattern. And accessorizing. M: Nothing says confidence like a well-placed binky.


D: And who needs all of  those clothes? Jeez. When I was three, I wore a tutu and a Superman t-shirt every day for four solid months. To rave reviews, I must add. Stick to the basics.


4. Appreciation of the Arts: Mommy has no eye for the aesthetic. M: So true! Remember when I turned the living room wall into my own rendition of the Guernica? It was genius, I tell you. And all she did was lock herself in the bathroom for a while. D: Her taste in music needs work, too. That afternoon when I played Hot Cross Buns on the recorder 38 times in a row? She had serious lack of gratitude, man.


5. A.M. Mealtime Flexibility: Why so rigid? Loosen up, would you?  If you’d just relax a little, you’d realize that there’s a whole world of acceptable breakfast choices out there: ice cream bars, Cheetos, chicken nuggets, Pop Rocks, pickles, Sun Chips, ketchup, Juicy Fruit gum. M: And boogers! Don’t forget boogers!


6. How to Party: We can party like nobody’s business, but Mommy? Lame-o. I mean, the last bash we threw? Mommy was totally no fun. M: I think she went and hid in the bathroom again, actually.



7. Freedom of Expression: Why so buttoned-up, Mama Bear?  You need to get in touch with your feelings. If you feel it, deal it.  Like, *own* it, girl. D: There’s no shame in showing how you feel. I mean, if you want to do the Chicken Dance in the library, dance! If you feel like biting Santa Claus, bite him! It’s really quite liberating. M (to her sister): Dude, didn’t you steal a vibrator on Santa-chomping day, too? D: Yes. I was very in touch with my feelings that day.


8. The Art of Home Decor: Mom, our house needs some flair. Some in-ter-est. It’s like, all beige, except for those throw pillows that Harryboy peed on. Think outside the box.  D: You know, it’s been dull around here since you threw out those throw pillows, so we thought we’d help you out.


Yes, those are throttled Littlest Pet Shop dudes, hanging perilously off the balcony.


A study in hula hoop, crayon, and shoe. Please note the continuing artistry on the walls.


If Mommy’s too lame to party, make your own Tiki Bar–recorder music gratis.

M: Damn, we’re good.


9. Proper Response to Harsh Sound and Smell: What’s with the denial? The acting like nothing’s happened, when clearly a violation is in evidence? M: The proper response when someone in the room cuts a sonic fart? Whirl around, shout “Holy cow!” point accusingly and say, “Whose butt did that come out of?” D: And do not suffer stink in silence.  If the lady in the Target bathroom drops a doody that’s bad news, call her out! Say, “Wonkawonka Eww! What did that lady eat? I bet it was corn.”


10. How to Live: The way to live is large Mom. Put a little effort into it, wouldja?

Sincerely,

The Minxes

{ 68 comments… read them below or add one }

J. Harker August 18, 2011 at 5:11 am

Have your spawn shoved little paper umbrellas into your yoga blocks?

Also? Lovely floors. Like, seriously. I dig ’em.

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TKW August 19, 2011 at 7:03 pm

Harker,

They are actually very expensive, porous (obviously) building blocks. I went to yoga once, fell over three times, and was too humiliated to ever attempt it again. No yoga blocks in my house. xo

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ck August 18, 2011 at 5:47 am

How much better life would be if those smiles still worked for adults…

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Ginny Marie August 18, 2011 at 5:58 am

Those are great life lessons. Seriously. :D Number 10 sums it up perfectly!

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bryan August 18, 2011 at 6:07 am

It always good to live large! The minxes have a way of keeping that in perspective for you the way mine do for me.
am so used to the gallery wall, “daddy I used white glue to hang all my drawings on the wall then just drew the frames on, isn’t it great!”

What a great post! Thanks I needed a laugh today

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elizabeth August 18, 2011 at 6:56 am

Ha! This is great. You could sell some of those studies in one of the little galleries in Chelsea. :)

And oh–how I wish those faces still worked when I wanted something…

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pamela August 18, 2011 at 8:07 am

Hilarious! Love the Minxes. Give them hugs for me and a big thank you for reminding me to live large!!! xoxo

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Katybeth August 18, 2011 at 8:48 am

I think your girls could give lessons in cute. I was lost in the sea of pictures so I gave the words low level reading but I’m sure they have taught you some amazing things.

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Jenna August 18, 2011 at 9:39 am

I love your perspective. I love it. You have so much humor along with your big dose of capital-H Honesty. =)

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TKW August 19, 2011 at 6:58 pm

Ah, Jenna. Honesty is a double edged sword…you get laughs, but then everyone also knows that your kids are booger-eaters.

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J. Harker August 19, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Not gonna lie – that shit’s pretty gross.

Kids, man… Adorable one minute, supping on globs of coagulated mucus the next…

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TKW August 20, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Ah, Harker, just you wait, Henry Higgins…

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Kathleen Basi August 18, 2011 at 11:11 am

Hilarious. I have to crack down hard to keep the smiles & pouts from swaying Daddy. :)

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Barbara August 18, 2011 at 12:15 pm

You are right, nothing says fashion like a well placed binky! I loved your pictures!

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Betsy August 18, 2011 at 12:19 pm

“Do not suffer stink in silence”… that is so my son’s life motto!!

Great list… cute girls!

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Mary Lee August 18, 2011 at 12:34 pm

One of the pictures brought back such memories. We used to call that expression, “The Lip” as in, OH NO… NOT THE DREADED LIP!!!! That meant we were beyond redemption.

Cuties, those Minxes!

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TKW August 19, 2011 at 5:41 am

Mary Lee,

“The Lip” is a powerful weapon indeed.

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Patrice P August 18, 2011 at 2:16 pm

These are fabulous–#1 is so true but YUCKY! LOL!

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SuziCate August 18, 2011 at 5:50 pm

I.LOVE.THIS.POST. Your girls know how to dish it!!!! Maybe got a bit of that sass from Mama?

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TKW August 19, 2011 at 6:59 pm

SuziCate,

You think? :)

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Jessica August 18, 2011 at 7:41 pm

Wonderful, wonderful lessons and accompanying pictures! I particularly enjoyed #1, snack ingenuity. Gotta love it!

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Salad in a Jar August 18, 2011 at 7:52 pm

Love the last picture. She looks like the Queen of Sheba waving to her adoring fans. And I would like to eat Sunchips for breakfast too–they’re my favorite.

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TKW August 19, 2011 at 5:43 am

Paula,

SunChips are crack. Delicious crack. They’re my favorite, too.

And she acted like the Queen of Sheba, believe me. That girl’s a diva.

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Maria August 18, 2011 at 8:31 pm

I shudder to think of the advice my three monkeys would give me. I am sure it would involve giving copious props to epic farts, the unappreciated glory of hot dogs, Fritos and ketchup, and how thorough showering should be optional on a daily basis…

Your minxes are a joy for the eyes…I am sure that they do wonders for your soul too, my friend! Plus, that sass must keep you on your toes, for sure. XO

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TKW August 19, 2011 at 5:44 am

Maria,

Your comment reminded me: the Minxes think a trip to the swimming pool=bath. Sometimes, I adhere to that logic.

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unicorn August 18, 2011 at 10:48 pm

The minxes must have some booger recipes by now. Look around for a booger smoothie mix. That’s what the umbrellas are for.

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TKW August 19, 2011 at 5:45 am

Unicorn,

Booger Coladas! Booger Mai Tai’s! Ah, the possibilities.

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Linda at Bar Mitzvahzilla August 18, 2011 at 11:16 pm

Wow, great post, TKW! And beautiful photos. I love how the girls are so joyous and free – it’s wonderful just to watch them enjoying everything so completely!

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TKW August 19, 2011 at 5:48 am

Linda,

They do enjoy. And so un-self-consciously, which is what I love the most. They’ll sing, dance, twirl, bellow, and not give a thought to what others think. I wish I had more of that in me.

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cam August 18, 2011 at 11:31 pm

HA! too funny! My favorite “nothing says confidence like a well placed binky!”

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Kate August 19, 2011 at 6:09 am

Love that smile. I’ll try that one. This was a great post!!!

I linked this in my “Friday Five” over at Kate’s Library. Hope you have a great weekend!

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TKW August 19, 2011 at 7:09 am

Thank you, Kate! You made my day!

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BigLittleWolf August 19, 2011 at 9:59 am

Now now. This sort of suckage all seems quite normal to me.

I do love that last sentiment – to live large. We seem to forget that one, along with stepping back and putting things in context.

Meanwhile, I’d say the Minx Patrol looks Mighty Fine and Happy.

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Jennifer August 19, 2011 at 1:13 pm

I can actually picture them saying all of this. Brilliant.

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Belinda August 19, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Ha ha ha! I have to re-learn some of these lessons, still, but yeah, I feel much enlightened after reading this and guffawing all over the place. Loved it!

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Dawn August 19, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Darn, those kids are cute! You? You got a lot of work to do. Obviously!

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TKW August 20, 2011 at 3:39 pm

Dawn,

I fear any efforts on my part are fruitless. Those girls have our number, and bad.

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Heather August 19, 2011 at 8:08 pm

Such beauty and simplicty. Oh how I wish that sweet grin worked when I did it! Keegan loves to pull out the “mommy you’re so beautiful” when he’s about to get busted. They do keep life interesting!

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TKW August 20, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Heather,

“Mommy, you’re so beautiful?” I’d let that kid rob a bank if he said that to me.

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Privilege of Parenting August 19, 2011 at 10:20 pm

Ten clear rules to live by… sounds like the cornerstone of a civilization. Now, if everybody would simply follow these obvious principles of conduct…

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TKW August 20, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Bruce,

You always make me laugh. Cornerstone of civilization: the art of booger eating. We could make a million bucks.

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camilla August 19, 2011 at 10:32 pm

That was fabulous! I’d be to scared to hear what my boys would say….actually as I was reading Alex came up and saw the picture of the hola hop, shoe and crayon balancing and said ‘that is a really nice house…’ so I’m thinking he’d love your gals!

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TKW August 20, 2011 at 3:43 pm

Camilla,
Alex is welcome to the freakshow circus any time. :)

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Cathy August 20, 2011 at 11:08 am

I must say the art of persuasion – love it! As for #9, I have a house full of boys. We have a different response around here. Just wrote a post on it actually. I think it was pretty funny but apparently due to the lack of comments, no one has read it. (I know, shameless plug.)

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TKW August 20, 2011 at 3:29 pm

Cathy,

Something is up with your Disqus. I think that’s the reason behind the lack of comments because it’s funny!

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TKW August 20, 2011 at 3:43 pm

The post, not the Disqus malfunction. :)

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Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri August 20, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Loved the lessons. And seriously, TKW, when is your book coming out? I would be first in line. xoxo

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TKW August 20, 2011 at 3:31 pm

Rudri,

I hope you’ll still love me if I say never? Well, okay, maybe not never, but waiting rooms and hospitals are my priority now. And I know you understand. xo

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Biz August 21, 2011 at 11:10 am

Loved this post!! Hope you are having a fab weekend!

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Allison @ Alli n Son August 21, 2011 at 11:52 am

Hilarious! I do have to agree with one thing though. Ice cream bars make a totally acceptable breakfast.

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TKW August 21, 2011 at 1:08 pm

Allison,

Miss M. loves you already.

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Velva August 21, 2011 at 12:45 pm

Children can/do teach us a lot. If only we would heed their advice (laugh). I have two sons…A 13 yr. old and a 22 yr. old. The stories that they could tell, the lessons I could have learned.

As always, love it.

Velva

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Clark Minn August 22, 2011 at 2:36 am

The photos are great and she is very beautiful!!

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Erin August 22, 2011 at 5:49 am

The pictures of those little minxes are what make this post! They are so freaking cute :) Also, I do sometimes wish I could just be a kid again… so much more simple than the grown up world!

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Helen Chris August 22, 2011 at 11:32 am

The Kids are so wonderful! The pictures show the reality of life.

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Jane August 22, 2011 at 6:17 pm

I’d just like to add, batting eyelashes helps too but I have a feeling Miss D. and Miss M. already know that. ;) Pop rocks for breakfast? They sound like my kids!

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CoffeeJitters August 22, 2011 at 11:30 pm

Oh, my goodness, you have some seriously creative kids. Love!

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Cher Shives August 23, 2011 at 6:34 pm

Your kids are really awesome and they are so cute too!!Lovely…

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Nancy C August 25, 2011 at 4:00 am

Good Lord, this is funny. Those Littelest Pet Shop victims made me cry-laugh.

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Angela August 25, 2011 at 7:12 pm

They are fantastic!!Love the photos you have here…

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Justine August 26, 2011 at 9:09 am

Oh boy – I think I’m going to be in trouble once my girls are old enough to give me these lessons. I love the idea of the sisters being in cahoots on this. Can’t wait for mine to do the same. Or maybe I can…

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Alexis August 26, 2011 at 9:22 am

The kids photos are so wonderful. They are very bright!

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faemom August 29, 2011 at 12:06 am

They are Minxes. You’re done for.

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Liz August 30, 2011 at 1:52 am

Oh man, this is awesome. Since it is not even 5 am yet and I’m trying to wake up, I couldn’t giggle out loud…it was tough. The study in art and crayon? TOOOO GOOD. And I actually remember VIVIDLY your biting Santa post…I think that’s one of the ones that won me over (and I made Hubby read). Oh yeah, and what’s wrong with Sun chips for breakfast? Have you considered pretzels? Animal crackers? Good stuff.

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Noraiza Braun September 28, 2011 at 10:39 am

Great perspective. I love it. And I love your humor. You’ve got lovely kids by the way.

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Victoria Taylor October 5, 2011 at 4:55 am

Love to read post like this! Thanks for the post..

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Pesavaceheada July 8, 2012 at 2:07 am

There

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Teliusepslums July 9, 2012 at 3:51 am

Legis

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