Well, at least I hope it’s the aftermath. We’re still not sure, but I’m able to sit at the computer without immediately needing a bucket, so this is a good development. The coming weeks will tell.
Who knew such small, slender, innocent structures like ear canals could KO an entire person for weeks? Whaddaheck? Obviously, I never gave ears enough respect. Nor did I know that inner ears have little crystal thingys in them that, if they get out of whack, render you stark-raving mad and howling for mercy. It was ug-ly.
So I’m ingesting some choice pharmaceuticals, and been spinning side-to-side and upside down at the doctor’s office on a rotating chair thingy like something out of the Matrix (or Gilley’s, depending on your demographic), and we’re hoping for the best. Bells have been ringing, but it’s not those Santa-clad dudes outside of the MegaMall. My cranium’s been a bellfry, for chrissakes.
*Cue awkward segue*
As I’ve stared at my four walls for days, utterly useless, I’ve been reminded of something my friend Bette told me when I was in labor with Miss D.
“Make them keep you in the hospital as long as possible,” she said, pointing her finger at me. “You have insurance. Fake a good few bouts of hysteria if you have to–just stay IN there. Because when you get home…”
Cue the ominous, raised eyebrow, which Bette is famous for. It’s quite something, that eyebrow.
Bette had a point. Hospitals take care of all of those pesky needs like bleeding and pain and hunger and laundry. They have frozen lemonade and orange push-ups. You can recline and watch Ellen. They’ll run you a warm bath that you can swirl stuff in that you never imagined would needing swirling in the first place. In a hospital, sleep happens.
But strangely, the minute my babies were out of my post-war uterus, all I wanted to do was go home. I just wanted to be home. So I disregarded her advice and fought tooth-and-nail to return to my own nest.
Clearly, I’m not very bright.
Did I regret it? Uh, yeah. Within about two hours, after the initial homecoming buzz wore off, I wanted to fling myself onto the threshold of the hospital entrance, roses and jewels in hand, and yell, “Darling! Take me back! I’ve made an awful mistake!”
*There’s a point to this post, I swear. I’m just moving a little slow lately, so bear with me, please, gentle readers.*
Ahem.
My point starts here. After I did my little Matrix-style whirlygig thingy at the Ear, Nose and Throat doctor, I got very specific instructions: “For 48 hours, you must not: look down, look up, lie down, bend over, twist suddenly from side-to-side, sleep at less than a 45-degree angle, drive.”
Hello? Instructions like that are first-degree assholery, people! I hoped he was joking, but he wasn’t.
I thought I’d miss the driving most, but I was wrong. Do you realize how often a person looks down in a day? Not bend down–look down. Like at a book or a computer keyboard or an iPhone or your small child who is howling for snack #7 of the day? I had no idea, but once I did, I realized it was humanly impossible.
When I told the ENT (delicately, mind you) to, “forget any chance of me doing that nonsense, Jerkstore,” he told me to wrap a scarf firmly around my neck to remind myself not to look down. Because if I didn’t, I’d end up having to not look down for something like 72 hours, so I’d better behave. Hmph.
Thus, I found myself wandering through the halls of my home looking like Isadora Duncan. I was the most ridiculous creature, with my flowing scarves and my lounging on the couch. I hated myself. Useless.
Here lies the rub: it is crushingly, wildly boring to do nothing for 48 hours. Cooking? Requires looking down. Reading/Writing? Obviously out, unless you want to hold your book at eye level and look like an asshole. Computer ain’t happenin’,which made me realize that in that regard, I probably need an intervention, because I need that thing. Play with your children? Nearly impossible, although I was a little happy that CandyLand couldn’t happen for a few days.
It was nuts. It was also a revelation.
How many times have I been strung so thin, so over-taxed with everything that needs to be donedonedonenownownow, that I wish myself back in that hospital, post-partum, (even with my battered, screaming hoo-ha), not having to move or think or take care of anyone but c’est moi?
I’m a little ashamed to admit that I have wished this a lot.
But when all that responsibility and chaos got snatched away, I realized just how much I rely on it. Readers, I was bored to the gills. Sitting on the sofa hearing Guy Fieri say “smellavision” and “flavor-town” and “ram-a-lama-ding-dong” got crazy old, and I’d TiVoed myself out of backup episodes of Boardwalk Empire within half a day.
Boredboredbored. And useless. And spinning.
Luckily (?) Miss M. had a date with a tonsillectomy late in the week, so I knew things would be getting exciting around Chez T. in a matter of days.
That little minx was all smiles and giggles as they wheeled her into surgery, and I followed, personal barf sack in hand, feeling like a heel, but I just couldn’t squash her groove. The way I saw it, reality was imminent–why rush the matter? The nurses pushed her jovial butt down hallways on the gurney, clucking behind her back, looking at me like, “How could you not tell this wee thing what’s about to happen?” Ffffft. Truth is overrated.
I am happy to report that Miss M. is made of tough and forgiving stock; she came out of surgery without a tear or an accusing finger. What she did keep asking for, though, was home. Vociferously, in her croaky Fran-Drescher-ish whine, she kept insisting, “It’s time to go home. When are you going take me home, Mama?”
Little Miss Home Now, again I know your heart. I understand. Even when faced with endless popsicles, IV painkillers and round-the-clock care, nothing beats the security of your own nest.
*Cue another awkward segue*
I’m tying a lot of different threads together, and not very elegantly, but I wanted you all to know how much I’ve appreciated your concern, love and well-wishes during my confinement. I’m still a little spinny, and Miss M. is very sore and in need of coddling, which I am happy to do, although it keeps me from my desk.
We’ll be limping back slowly.
However, I’d like to share a recipe for Miss M.’s recovery food of choice. I’ve been making it non-stop since Saturday, and while it’s the simplest thing imaginable, it’s quite luxurious. It’s certainly only for special occasions, for someone who needs some buttery, cream-laden comfort while they regain some strength and spunk. Miss M. declares it the most delicious of all things.
Soft-Scrambled Eggs with Cream
serves 1 invalid
2 super-fresh, jumbo-sized eggs
1 tablespoon heavy whipping cream
1/2-1 tablespoon butter (I had clarified on hand, but any will do)
salt to taste
Crack eggs into a bowl and whip with cream until light and frothy. In a small skillet over low heat, melt the butter. Add the eggs and cook, over the lowest heat possible, stirring constantly, until eggs just begin to form curds. This takes a while, but remind yourself that your invalid is worth babysitting a few eggs for. Salt to taste.
If you have a cuddly and needy invalid like mine, feed it to her with a spoon like the Queen of Sheba.
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh good lord. I wish I could teleport myself over to you and play the role of Nurse Ratchet, or at least help you out a little bit by putting my finger near your chest and doing that annoying finger flick thing to your nose every time you looked down. If you thought you needed drugs before, just spend 24 hours with me…
But in all seriousness, I’m glad you are on the road to recovery. And yes, you totally are. Second, butter makes everything better. The end.
Just this morning I was wondering how you were doing!! And so I’m glad to read this, and to know you are on the mend and have some answers. I’m (yes, I’m crazy) currently on Weight Watchers (8 lbs gone baby!) so no eggs a la cream for me. I’ll just dream instead. Keep on getting better, we miss you around these parts.
Sounds like the crazy train has stopped at your house for sure. Remember that you have to take care of you so that you can take care of the Minxes. Otherwise, why would the flight attendants tell you to secure your oxygen mask first and then attend to your child???
Nothing beats creamy scrambled eggs. Nothing.
Yikes. Not look down??? I don’t see how it’s possible. Though I would recommend getting a Batman mask if you’re going for immobility of the head. You know the Batman with whats-his-face from maybe the 90s in which his mask was so stiff that he couldn’t turn his head? Every time he had to look somewhere, his whole torso had to gyrate. Yep, that would probably help you out next time. Of course, hopefully there’s no next time.
I’m not even sure how it is possible to not look down. I mean, you wouldn’t even be able to pee.
Witchy poo, I have SOOOO been where you are. I had a nasty fall years ago, and got a massive concussion. Once it got super bad, I couldn’t walk, drive, go up or down stairs, get out of bed without wiping out, get in and out of the tub without holding onto the towel rod (which I pulled out of the wall!) for dear life. I couldn’t even cross the street because the traffic threw me off. The floor moved, the walls shifted, the ceiling bent. I had a seizure WHILE DRIVING in town about 30 mph. Driving felt like I had no power steering. I couldn’t see the lines on the road. Couldn’t figure out if I had my foot on the brake or not. I had scans, got poked, got water shot in my ears, got the light show, got the balancing act, the switcheroo seat, you name it… yeah, vertigo. I get the blue light special, yay for me.
Here’s the good nooz: it goes away on its own. Here’s the bad nooz: it might take years. I can finally drive again. I can find the floor getting out of bed. I can use elevators and buses because I know when they stop now. I still have a problem with flying because it changes the ear pressure rapidly, so I can’t drive after flying. I can barely walk. I usually have to lay down after flying. And I can’t use those moving sidewalks in airports.
The lovely MDs gave me neurotic, psychotic, and anti-depressant meds. I kept telling them that I was having panic attacks BECAUSE OF THE SPINNING, not the other way around. I took the stuff for seasickness. No dice. Dramamine puts me to sleep. Valium helped with the panic attacks, but the spinning was still there. I once had to crawl under my desk to retrieve a sticky note I dropped… I was so disoriented when I got up that I walked into a coat rack and knocked a plant off a file cabinet. So then I was bruised up! I was a hazard to my own damn health at that point.
Take it easy, be kind to yourself. Repeat after me: THIS WILL GO AWAY.
Big hugs. And stock up on valium. It will calm your nerves.
I had a brief bout of vertigo in high school. But that was back in pre matrix days when I was told to lie still, at a 45 angle and heal. Thankfully I did. Oh god, it was awful.
It is funny how often we would like to do ‘nothing’ but when faced with that, oh dear god! No, I think we really just want someone else handling the mundane and frustrating details (like snacks and laundry and drawing a bath).
So so so glad you’re on the mend. Been thinking of you and hoping the ENT would help.
Glad to know you’re back from hell. After reading this post, I will never ever take my ears for granted ever again!
I’m so glad that the spinning has slowed slightly. That is one of the worst things ever. Not looking down? How is that even humanly possible?I can’t imagine successfully going 24 hours without looking down. Hope Miss M is on the mend. Give her a grape popsicle for me!
Sounds like you’d have to be in a body brace to conform to those instructions, wow! Hope all is on the mend!
Wowza woman. Sounds like an awful few weeks! I’ve been thinking of you, but I had no idea it was that intense. So sorry, and here’s so smoother sailing ahead!
Glad to hear that you are all on the mend. I had an ear infection only once in my life – as an adult – and… it was the vertigo that got me. Not the pain – not the nasty drops – THE VERTIGO! It was horrible – Soooooo glad to hear that your bout with it is just about over. Sorry to hear about Miss M too – though it sounds like she is doing great. Nurse each other back to health – rest up for the holidays :-).
oh dear, I hope that this IS the aftermath for you. For some reason, vertigo has me thinking of Lucille #2 on Arrested Development and I hope when you are able to sleep at an angle different than 45 degrees that you might be able to enjoy some humor TV, just because.
I’ve been catching up. And thinking of you.
That seems so weak, but it’s true. I hope each day feels more like yourself.
I’ve been thinking of you and your wee one. I’m glad both of you are on the mend. When G-Man had his tonsils out the only thing he wanted to do was go home. No one takes care of you the way Mom does.
I’m a bit dizzy just reading about this (I’ve been in that ENT chair, with a stream of air going in your ear until you feel like you’re in zero orientation in any direction and can’t even orient to the plastic barf tray), but I’m dizzy with you, not at you :)
Wish you and yours all the best—now that you can look down, I hope things will be looking up. Namaste (the dizziness in me recognizes the dizziness in you)
This is a pretty impressive post from someone who’s still reeling. Clearly you’re thinking straight even if you’re walking all wobbly! ; ) Geez, kid. I hope your healing experience is much faster and more injury-free than poor unicorn’s.
Sounds awful. Especially the doing nothing part. Everyone knows you only want to do nuthin when you can’t…..Hope Miss M is on the mend and is feeling much better. Those eggs sound very tasty and I will keep them in mind for when Cole gets one of his killer sore throats and nothing sounds tasty at all.
Wow, that is intense! So sorry, Kitch! The crazy train has done built itself a depot at your house! I have been knocked out with a cold and sinus infection and other assorted sundries lately (for almost 10 days) and while I’m getting all caught up on Friday Night Lights, I’m completely useless to my family and myself. I hate it!!
Hope it passes swiftly!
Oh Kitch. I’ve had vertigo since I was in high school. The inner ear can wreak havoc. I know this first hand. Get some rest friend. Thinking of you.
I have been worried about you my friend! Good lord it POURS at Ches T doesn’t it?!? I can’t imagine not looking down for so long. Give the little minx some ice cream a rest up.
Fingers crossed that both of you mend quickly so you can enjoy the upcoming holidays! Love to you both! xoxo (Love the Isadora Duncan image! It suits you!)
I seriously have been dreaming of the hospital lately…thanks for the reality check. I’m really glad Miss D came out of the surgery just fine and I have my fingers crossed that your vertigo ends soon!
Oh, honey. Y’all have really been through it. Hope things get back to normal, stat!
Hugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggs to all.
Computer intervention? Let me know how that works out. I need it too.
Hope you are all back to normal by Christmas.
Add bacon to those eggs and I’m sold.
Hugs for you and Miss M!
Good grief. It would be punishment enough to listen/watch Guy Fieri for any length of time. Poor you. And wouldn’t you know Miss M. was scheduled for a tonsillectomy at the same time? Murphy’s laws….
I am in great sympathy with you because I have a friend who has an inner ear problem. What it’s called exactly I don’t know, but I have traveled with her and one trip she had a hand on my shoulder as we walked.
Hospitals are dangerous places, Kitch. Germy and better not to spend any more time in them than is necessary. Miss M. had the right idea. Get out ASAP.
BTW: what’s happened to ice cream as the throat-easer of choice?
Hope things will be looking brighter at your house soon…..
Barbara,
I did make homemade ice cream, and we bought orange sherbet and popsicles, but Miss M. declared herself tired of them in half a day’s time. She’s a salt girl, like her Mama. :)
I’m glad the vertigo is somewhat improved. I hear you, though, on the whole can’t-do-anything boredom. The neck is an indispensable tool, no? I hope the scarves are the soft, rather than itchy, kind.
Happy to hear that things are looking up in your neck of the woods! The eggs sound like just what the doctor would call for.
Glad things are getting better. My daughter had a baby last week and I told her to stay in the hospital as long as she could–take advantage of it! Luckily she listened to me, somewhat amazing in and of itself. I’ve had friends who’ve suffered vertigo and it sounded like one of the worst things that could befall a person.
Bless your heart. I’m so sorry to hear about this. I’m glad that things are getting better though. Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel makes a huge difference. Love and hugs are going your way!
Many, many hugs to you. You’ll rebound soon enough. Sometimes there is just so much a person can stand….busy is good, but it’s an avoidance technique for sure.
Sooooooo glad you’re doing better, even if not quite all there yet. (The eggs sound yummy. So does all that cuddling with little ones.)
So glad to hear that you are hopefully on the upswing of this crazy ride! Hoping your patient is on the mend as well :)
Oh, sorry to hear about your vertigo. My FIL has that, and they’ve had to change a few lifestyle choices (like selling the motorcycles) because of it.
Thanks for the laughs today!
“Thus, I found myself wandering through the halls of my home looking like Isadora Duncan. I was the most ridiculous creature, with my flowing scarves and my lounging on the couch. I hated myself. Useless.”
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