Just Write: Crippled

November 13, 2012


I finished my writing class this weekend. It was a great learning experience for me–boy, there’s a lot I didn’t know about humor writing! My instructor, Dave Fox, is a humor writer and a travel writer (damn those multi-talented individuals!), and he gave detailed and wise feedback on everything I wrote, as did my classmates. If you’re interested in humor writing or travel writing classes online, you should check out Dave’s Globejotting.com. I highly recommend him.

But man, I worked my (broken) butt off. Whew.

Between writing, editing, and polishing my own stuff, and thoughtfully (I hope) critiquing other classmates’ work and trying to be C-minus Mommy to the Minxes and D-plus wife to my husband, I’m feeling like an over-used tea bag.

Pushing myself out of my comfort zone does that.

That’s why I rarely do it, even though I know I should. I’m the biggest scaredy-cat in the world and I hate myself for it.

I also hate that I always apologize for everything, which I’m going to do yet again, for not having time to visit my favorite bloggy buddies the past few (many) weeks. I am Dana, and I am annoyingly sorry. Now that class is over, I hope to do better.

Pushing myself out of my comfort zone, even when the outcome is favorable, leaves me feeling emotionally crippled. My soul needs a wheelchair.  And then to be physically crippled on top of that is just karmic assholery. You will be happy to know, though, that the Minxes think my broken-assed walk is hilarious. Whenever I walk around, they start making peeping/clacking noises because I am The Penguin. This, in turn, makes me laugh at their audacity. I am proud that they are audacious. We need more audacious in this world.

The result of being emotionally and physically crippled? I get Mindworm.

I wake up in the middle of the night and my mind starts racing, and I cannot turn it off. If you’ve been reading here long enough, you’ll know that the conversation goes like this:

Me: “Yo, Brain. Fuck off.”

Brain: “No.”

Me: “I need to sleep.”

Brain: “Not my problem, cupcake.”

My brain is a disobedient cretin.

For your amusement, and because I’ve been too gorked out busy to write a real post, I’ll share with you some items on my Mindworm list.

~my butt hurts like a *(&^%$$###%&^

~Oh man, is Miss D.’s book report due tomorrow?

~When is Thanksgiving? Crap. I think it’s early this year. What should I make? Sure as heck not turkey dinner, because turkey dinner sucks eyeballs.

~Things I’ve made in past years so they’re not contenders: Chinese feast, Greek feast, Mexican feast, Paella, surf and turf. Gaaaa. Can’t do Italian; Daddy doesn’t like it. German?

~Geddaheckouttahere. So not doing German.

~French? I don’t really like French. Dangit, I think I might have to go there.

~Mental Menu of French Food that Doesn’t Suck Eyeballs: Beef borgignonne, potato puree, some vegetable gratin thingy.

~Item to Google: French appetizers.

~Can I throw a hunk of Brie on a paper plate and get away with it? Dessert can just bugger off. I’m not making it.

~Thanksgiving is coming. Dear God. That means Christmas. Coming. Soon.

~Total number of items I know the Minxes want for Christmas: 0.0

~I’m at a payphone/trying to call home/All of my change I’ve spent on you…  Dang you, Adam Levine!

~I think the hamster is depressed?

~Item to Google: depression in rodents.

~I need to pee, but I’m kinda too lazy to get up. What time is it? Can I hold out?

~ To Do List: schedule girls’ haircuts, call handyman, dang laundry, dang grocery store, buy wrinkle cream. Why are my To Do Lists always eerily similar?

~Add to Grocery List along with wrinkle cream: toilet paper, Pirate Booty, candles for Diwali

~Christmas cards. Noooooo!

~I think I’m going to have to wave the white flag and go pee.

~I’m at a payphone/trying to call home/All of my change I’ve spent on you… Dangit.


Scintillating things going through my head, eh? Well, when you live the Domestic Goddess lifestyle, that’s what you get. Very glamorous.

I love y’all. Hope you are well and hope to see you soon. Happy Tuesday and Happy Diwali to all of my friends celebrating today. We’ll be lighting our candles!

ps: Sorry for getting “Payphone” stuck in your heads. That song is sticky as heck.

pps: Did I just apologize again?


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