Tale of the Broken Butt

November 6, 2012

So. I broke my butt this weekend. It’s rather embarrassing to break your butt. You want to know what’s even more embarrassing? This is the second time in my life that I’ve broken my butt.

What can I say? I am clumsy and a clod. I trip over every electrical cord in the house, crash into ceramic counter tops and run into hefty doors on a regular basis. There’s a reason that I never rode a bicycle as a child. Too filled with peril, riding a bicycle.

The first time I broke my butt, I was schussing down the slopes in Russia, shoulder-to-shoulder with James Bond, deflecting bullets from very athletic and determined villains while still keeping my makeup intact.

What? You never knew that I was an extra in “From Russia, With Love?”

Okay, at least I can truthfully say that ButtGate #1 did involve ice, wind and a pair of really rockin’ high heels.

ButtGate #2? Not so glamorous.

I was already at a disadvantage this round, because I’d been nursing an angry, crimson elbow for days. I finally complained to my husband about it, and he took one look and said, “Oh. Bursitis.”

Bursitis? Really? Okay, just fetch me my AARP card, bottle of Geritol and walker now, because I am going down, readers. I’m polishing up my pinocle skills as we speak, because the nursing home cannot be far off.

Then he looked at my other elbow and said, “Huh. I think it’s coming in that one, too.”

Splendid.

Bummer about ButtGate#2: No little black dress or sexy high heels. It’s a couple of elbows ensconced in ace bandages and ice packs. Attractive!

Secret Bonus to Buttgate#2: I was so awash in self-pity that nobody expected me to cook dinner. Take those little unexpected benefits and run with ‘em, ladies.

Since I wasn’t cooking, my family sat at the kitchen counter, on bar stools, (casual mode), munching takeout. I felt better already.

As we enjoyed our repast, our new kitty, Aria, spied something interesting/alarming/objectionable outside, gave a vociferous “Yeowwww!” and launched herself into the stratosphere like John Glenn.

I choked on a French fry, whirled violently around on my bar stool, and then the whole business came crashing down. On my ass. On hardwood floors.

Hi, my name is Dana. I have broken my butt twice in my lifetime. I am full of pride.

I am also putting these weirdo hot/cold compresses (intended for back pain) on my butt. The first night of ButtGate#2, I woke up at three a.m. and thought to myself, “Why the Hell do I have Miss D.’s swimming cap in my hand?” Not a swimming cap. Somehow, in my sleep, I’d ripped my swanky compress off and was clutching it in a death grip.

I’d like to think that I was having a dream about strangling Gwyneth Paltrow, but I was too drugged up to remember.

Score:

Tailbone: 2

Dana: 0

The coccyx wins.

Hope you (and your healthy hind ends) have a good week, dear readers. I am sitting on my newly purchased and very sexy donut thingy, elbows wrapped, pondering my demise. Well, actually, not that last item–there’s leftover Halloween candy to consume.

 

 

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{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }

Wendi @ Bon Appetit Hon November 6, 2012 at 9:46 am

Girl, you are living the glamorous life ; )

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Wendi,

It is always like dinner at Le Cirque over here. :)

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Arnebya November 6, 2012 at 10:06 am

You are so fucking sexy I cannot stand it. My 10+ yr old sitz bath minus the water came in handy recently.

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Arnebya,

Am I too sexy for the nursing home? Please tell me that I am?

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Samantha Angela November 6, 2012 at 10:14 am

That sucks.
I’ve been lucky enough not to have broken any body part before, but that just means I don’t have any interesting stories to tell.

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Samantha,
Come hang with me for a weekend. We’ll break something, like it or not. ;)

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Melissa November 6, 2012 at 10:27 am

Once upon a time, when I gained 55lbs (&broke the 200lb mark. I am 5’4″) and was 2 days from giving birth, I fell. Twice. On the same day. On concrete stairs and concrete sidewalk. Then, 36 hours later I pushed for 3 hours to get that damn kid out.
Can’t imagine why my tail bone broke. 13.5 months later my ass still hurts on a daily basis.
I already have plans on grounding the boy from something he loves when he’s older for all my pain and suffering.
Hope your tush heals quickly!

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Melissa,

If you are just about to give birth, you have good reason for falling over, because you can’t see your dang feet! I did that, too!

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Michelle November 6, 2012 at 11:21 am

So sorry!:( Hope you heal quickly! I have two messed up rotator cuffs…one that most definitely needs surgery…but how do you have surgery when babies and toddlers need to be carried?(But make the pain worse from lugging them around?)
Add to it plantar fasciitis that pretends to get better(and then doesn’t!) in my left foot and I feel like an old lady, too! If this is what the end of my 30′s is looking like…we could book a double room at the home:)
Feel better soon!
Michelle
http://normalchaosforamultitaskmom.blogspot.com/2012/11/prayerful-moments.html

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Michelle,

Plantar fascitis hurts like a *&^%!

I’ll be your roomie in the old lady house–you teach me how to play gin rummy and I’ll bring the gin.

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Jamie November 6, 2012 at 11:33 am

Injuries that you’re too young for are the worst!! Physical pain and pride pain, terrible combination. Take it from a 20 something with an old-lady thyroid problem :)

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Jamie,
Thyroid is too slow? Get some amphetamines for that. I think your students could probably hook you up with a connect. (kidding!)

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ayala November 6, 2012 at 11:53 am

Dana, I am so sorry :( . I hope you feel better soon. xoxo

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Ayala,

Thank you. I think a broken butt has a longer recovery than I’d like. I’m waddling like a penguin.

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pamela November 6, 2012 at 11:58 am

Oh no!!! I broke my butt while giving birth to son #1. I had to sit on one of those hemorrhoid donut pillows for a few weeks. SO painful. Feel better!!!

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Pamela,

Those birthing butts are no fun at all, except that you have a baby to show for it, right? All I have is a broken bar stool!

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Annette November 6, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Dear heart, your writing is so wickedly funny that I laughed in spite of myself! And then felt ashamed that I was laughing about your poor tushie. Can you drive? Do you need help hauling kids around this week?

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Annette,

I was hoping you would laugh, because it is such a ridiculous story! No shame allowed. Thanks for the offer with hauling kids–thank goodness, Ro is around to handle most of the burden. You know what hurts the most (weirdly)? Ascending stairs. And as you know, we have a lot of stairs in this house! But that’s what painkillers are for, right? Love you.

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Erica November 6, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Girl, you are quite talented and get style points for falling off a bar stool without alcohol being involved.

I broke my butt rollerskating at a kindergartener’s birthday party 11 yrs ago. Great times.

Feel better! At least enjoy the drugs!

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Erica,

Ha! I “may” have had a glass of Chardonnay in hand, but at least I fell off of my own bar stool.

You went to a birthday party and roller-skated? Get Out! The girl who cannot ride a bike is horrified at the thought of roller skates.

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Phoo-d November 6, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Bursitis and a broken butt? Yikes, you are in major painville. At least you fell off a bar stool at home instead of in an actual bar. It could have been worse. =) Hope you feel much better soon!
xoxo

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Phoo-d,

And I know that YOU know the bar stools I speak of! I was also glad that my shame happened on my turf. Love You!

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Katybeth November 6, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Ouch. Landing on your tail bone hurts so bad and takes for—a little while to heal so take it easy , enjoy your favorite pain meds and your tail should be wagging soon–or something like that

I got deck by a campaign sign today if that makes you feel any better. It has only happened once tho.

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Katybeth,

Please give me details on the campaign-sign takeout. It would make my donut-sitting arse feel so much better!

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suzicate November 6, 2012 at 5:20 pm

So in hindsight (I couldn’t resist!) you know NEVER to swing around to see what Aria is up to!
Sorry, hope your butt is not so sore today!

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Kristen @ Motherese November 6, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Oh girl, I’m glad you have the hemorrhoid donut. Now have hubs get you a dozen doughnuts (some of those artisanal salty bacon ones since I know you’re a savory girl) and drown yourself in carbs. xo

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 7:49 pm

Kristen,
You know me so well. Eating guacamole and waiting for the painkillers to take efffect.

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Robin November 6, 2012 at 6:23 pm

The best thing about a broken butt is the funny story! The worst thing about a broken butt – well; it is the fact that your butt is broken. So sorry. And, sorry about the bursitis, too. I’m not sure whether to make a happy face or a sad face here. But, you make me laugh, so happy it is :)

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 7:53 pm

Robin,

My Minxes think my waddle (penguin-style) is hysterically funny, so I guess the official verdict is: funny :)

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Jessica November 6, 2012 at 6:56 pm

I always blame the cat for my klutziness too – damn cats! Heal swiftly, friend.

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Jessica,
Please send me your address because I am mailing you a cat.

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Rudri Bhatt Patel @Being Rudri November 6, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Ugh. Kitch. As a fellow broken butt comrade, I know this pain. Good luck with your recovery.

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Heather November 6, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Oh honey… Have you started that book yet? You NEED to get paid something major for all your pain! Yet, you prove my point that cats are evil, EVIL as in the fruits of the devil!!! And, I suspect there is a little something to be said for those lovely foods that add a little extra bounce to your behind ;) Hugs and wishes for a speedy recovery!!!

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TKW November 6, 2012 at 8:01 pm

Heather,

And forgive me because I just took my ass-relief meds, so I may not have correct spelling, but I don’t blame the cat. She purrs in her sleep. That is so endearing. She is also skittish as heck, but I am too. Thus, the broken butt. :(

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BigLittleWolf November 6, 2012 at 8:16 pm

ButtGate?

ButtGate TWO??? Seriously???

The Bed Bugs are sounding better and better, aren’t they…

Does this mean you can tell people “Kiss My Ass” with a straight face?

Hugs.

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idiosyncratic eye November 7, 2012 at 1:22 am

Ouch. :)

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes November 7, 2012 at 5:21 am

Strange but I have those Gwyneth-strangling dreams too…
Hope your tusch heals quickly!

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Ste November 7, 2012 at 7:38 am

I broke my coccyx 9 years ago. Hurts like a bugger. Feel better soon.

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Dana November 7, 2012 at 10:47 am

Dana, you’re my favorite. I’m wishing your pride, and your bum, a quick recovery.

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Jennifer November 7, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Ouch! My momma broke her butt too. Hers wasn’t glamorous either. She fell backward out of the lunch meat case in the middle of a crowded grocery store. Why was she INSIDE the lunch meat case you ask? She was a salesperson for Kraft and was rearranging how all the meet and cheese were stocked, pulled on the shelf too hard to dislodge it, and fell ass over teakettle into the middle of the floor.

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TKW November 7, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Jennifer,

Best broken ass story ever!

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Caitlin November 7, 2012 at 2:40 pm

ha! my family plays pinocle all the time.. too funny! we’ve all been playing since we were little kids and could count basically. i guess we’re all set for nursing home too!

hope you feel better soon xoxo

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Rocky Mountain Woman November 7, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I’ll be right in front of you in line for bingo night at the nursing home, I’m afraid…

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TKW November 8, 2012 at 12:01 am

Rocky,

I’ll beat your butt at bingo and then invite you for whiskey afterwards.

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Contemporary Troubadour November 7, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Your humor in the face of injury never ceases to amaze me, Kitch. I’m glad you’re able to walk! I’m also now thoroughly concerned about the whole breaking-your-tailbone-in-childbirth thing, thanks to some of the commenters above …

May you need doughnuts (of any kind) for as little time as possible. (Backside suicide x 2 just ain’t fair.)

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elizabeth November 8, 2012 at 9:36 am

Ouch! I have a tendency to fall very ungraciously, but luck allows me to escape with a bruised cheek rather than anything more serious. I don’t think you need to head to the nursing home, I think you simply need a house with soft foam-rubber floors that just look like hardwood.

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KitschenBitsch November 8, 2012 at 9:02 pm

Darling, I have broken my butt twice (once at 17, once at 23), and today I went into physical therapy to try to have it… reset.

I’m writing to you perched atop an ice pack with a healthy dose of bourbon. Cheers. I feel your pain in so so so many ways.

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Daniela November 11, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Into every life a little stupid must fall. Write on!

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Daniela November 11, 2012 at 4:26 pm

P.S. I was laughing so hard, I forgot you’re hurting. Woops. My bad. Consider your butt and elbows swabbed in healing vibes. Get better quick! In the meantime keep typing quips, so I can keep reading them. Woops. Back to me again. :-) My bad.

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Cathy November 14, 2012 at 12:54 pm

OH. MY. GOSH!!! Wow Dana. I do not know what to say except that I hope you are pain-free and all healed up very soon. xoxo

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Cyn November 15, 2012 at 3:14 pm

((((((((((Dana))))))))))

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TKW November 16, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Cyn,

Are you still writing? I got confused with all of the site changes and then I thought you’d givenup? Hope you didn’t? I’m not tech savvy (obviously) but if you have a new home, please let me know. Because I love you like Google.

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