Guest Post: The Empress

December 9, 2012

 Hello, lovely readers! Today I’m sharing words from Alexandra, otherwise known as The Empress. And an Empress she is. She’s a blogging and Twitter rock star–if there was a Mick Jagger of Tweeting, she’d be it, hands down. She’s lovely and kind and I adore her. I do apologize in advance for the formatting issues–the Computer Poltergeist is still in the house. But without further ado–here’s Alexandra!
***
I stay home to make up snacks. All day long, on Twitter, I tweet my concoctions out to those smart enough to follow me.
Makeshift goodies that feel so good, is that wrong? A chocolate filled croissant warmed just a tad in the microwave? Rich, hand-whipped cream in a flavored coffee? Well, it’s not so bad.

 

I love to reach for the hot, the melted, the drizzled. Gooey, cheesy burgers. Toasted bagels with slathered cream cheese, double-loaded mozzarella on pizza, chocolate drizzled over…anything. Well, you all are in luck, because while Dana’s busy cooking the real deal in her kitchen, I’m throwing a little bit of this with a little bit of that, and mama’s not so crazy now.

 

My List of Made-Up Snacks: (you’re lucky this isn’t an ebook yet, yo)

 
Sliced bananas in a bowl mixed with microwave-melted Hershey’s kisses and mini marshmallows.

 

Graham cracker S’mores; exactly 23 seconds in the microwave.

 

Hot cocoa with a 5 second squirt of Reddi-Whip. Chocolate sauce? Don’t mind if I do.

 

McDonald’s will mix half and half of any flavor shakes for you. You’re welcome. Lately, I’m all into the half Arctic Orange with half Chocolate. Ho my god.

 

Peeled, sliced apples smothered in melted French Vanilla frosting.

 

Any kind of cupcake, any number of them. They don’t count as cake calories because they’re little and so cute. Calories from cute food never counts.

 

A hot dog sliced down the middle and filled with shredded cheese, then wrapped in bacon and put under the broiler for 4 minutes. Dang.

 

A dinner plate full of Doritos chips, sprinkled with taco-seasoned shredded cheese, diced tomatoes, crumbled cooked turkey meat, microwaved for 1:25, then dolloped –  twice — with sour cream and guacamole.

 

Guacamole. Period.

 

One scoop of chocolate ice cream with maraschino cherries on top. Mmmmm-hmmm.

 

Frozen Girl Scout Thin Mints. The freezing part is not optional.

 

Boy Scout-issue Cheese Pop Corn.

 

Instant brownies from the box, slathered with raspberry preserves while they’re still smoking hot.

 

Those Hot-Lava-Cake-in-5-microwave-minutes kits. Holy Wow. What genius invented them?

 

Lay’s Thick Cut Vinegar and Salt Potato Chips stuck in between the bun and hot sloppy joe meat.

 

25 (exactly) crumbled crackers floating on top of a home made bowl of chili, heavy on the tomatoes.

 

The Martha Stewart Brand New Recipe for Boston Cream Pie cupcakes. Again, due to size, calorieless.

 

A baked potato, nuked, and stuffed with bacon bits, sour cream, cheddar cheese and a touch of salsa.

 

A tall glass of Fanta orange soda served over a big fat scoop of creamy vanilla ice cream: JUST like the dreamsicles of youth.
Share and share alike, right? Follow me on twitter     and tell me your favorite     “what I can do with this and that”   recipe.
***
Are you hungry yet? She had me at guacamole.  TKW’s favorite crack snacks of late: Triscuits topped with pepper jack cheese, mustard and lettuce (this one makes hubby GAG). A toasted English muffin topped with hummus (Sabra brand only!) and crumbled bacon. And of course, my comfort food of choice, a big steaming bowl of buttered rice.  Please assure The Empress and I that there are other…inventive…snack-makers out there?
Happy Monday, dear readers. I hope you will tune in on Wed.– because my hilarious friend Jamie has a treat for you…her writing!
Readers, I just want to let you know that Mama is having surgery on Tuesday, and I honestly don’t know what the outcome is going to look like. We could be in for a haul. But we Sassy Bitches tend to keep on keepin’ on.
I won’t be around, but I have great writers filling in for me, so I hope you will still keep hanging out in this corner.
xoxo

 

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{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }

elizabeth December 9, 2012 at 7:48 pm

I am just about to post about roasted bone marrow bones with caramelized onions. They sound far less delicious than then actually are, which is WAY better than butter or even olive oil.

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:29 am

Roasted bone marrow?? Where are you from? France?

I kid I kid. Sounds … yummy.

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Phoo-d December 9, 2012 at 8:42 pm

I’ll be thinking of you and your mama on Tuesday. Here’s hoping for the best possible outcome. Xoxo

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Alexandra December 9, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Honored to help you out, Dana. Thanks so much for counting on me.

I hope the best for your mum, and will send all the positive love in me to her this Tuesday.

Please let us know.

xo (so glad we met, Dana)

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Abby December 10, 2012 at 7:38 am

I love both of you, so this is like a marriage made in cyber heaven (and in cyber heaven, there is no shortage of snacks to be had. However, being vegan, the hot dog and cheese will be out.)

Thoughts and prayers to your mama this week…and every day after that.

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:30 am

So, Abby, are we talking roasted kale? or what?

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Alison December 10, 2012 at 7:59 am

I am HUNGRY. :)

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:30 am

A, I LIVE hungry.

24/7

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Arnebya December 10, 2012 at 8:09 am

Sassy bitches unite! We got Mama prayered up, haul or no.

Thank you for keeping us satisfied in your absence though; The Empress is no doubt making us gain some weight.

Snacks: Buttered rice with catalina dressing (WHAT?); or, buttered rice with fried onions, green/red/yellow peppers, and jalapeno, with a super hot mustard; sliced tomatoes smothered in Miracle Whip; sliced avocado with sliced tomato on crackers (“Is that a Ritz?”); pepperoni straight outta the bag; any cracker topped with pepperoni, shredded mozzarella, microwaved for 18 seconds BAM! And the baked potato? HELL YES Bacon. Bacon on anything.

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:32 am

OMG.

I DO buttered rice with catalina dressing!

I perfected it in college. WHen I got fancy, I threw in a 6 oz can of tuna.

Also: all hail the microwave. Serious snackers unite.

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Contemporary Troubadour December 10, 2012 at 10:15 am

If you’ve ever had to try to eat gluten-free sandwich bread sold presliced like conventional sandwich loaves at the grocery store, you know that stuff isn’t exactly tasty. I don’t have time to bake my own all the time, so to make the store-bought stuff palatable, I toast it, slather it with sunflower seed butter, dust with cinnamon, and sprinkle liberally with chocolate chips.

I am also known to add the same toppings to the following instant granola: 1/3 cup of gluten-free rolled oats microwaved at half power for ~4:30 with a generous tablespoon of safflower oil and a dash of salt. Add toppings AFTER heating these three ingredients. Stirred together, it’s like an oatmeal skillet cookie.

Thinking of you and your mama, Kitch. Hoping for smooth sailing.

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:33 am

My Dr suggested I go gluten free to combat my all to often migraines. I’ve had the crackers, they’re good.

The bread? Well, the bread.

Well …

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Jamie December 10, 2012 at 12:25 pm

The Mc Donald’s shake secret. Hot damn, indeed!

Good luck to Mama Kitch!

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:34 am

Yes! I know!

Sorry to get so excited, but I get so excited. When my friend told me that I could hardly stop myself from grabbing my car keys right then and there.

I love the half orange, half chocolate.

It’s a wonderful thing.

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Jennifer December 10, 2012 at 3:22 pm

And here I just eat my hot dogs straight out of the package with a little bit of mustard.

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:34 am

You crack me up.

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kristin @ going country December 10, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Good luck to your mom. And you.

P.S. Chocolate chips and a spoonful of peanut butter melted in the microwave, stirred until all smooth and combined, stir in Cheerios. Sounds weird, is DELICIOUS.

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:35 am

Sounds so crazy, yes, sounds so crazy …. IT JUST MIGHT WORK.

Logging off now …

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jacquie December 10, 2012 at 6:51 pm

will be thinking about you and your dear mom with fingers and paws crossed for as good as outcome as possible. whatever the outcome i know you will have the strenght and grace to do and bear whatever it is. go Sassy Bitches…..

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The Meaning of Me December 10, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I’ve been known to melt cheese in a bowl. Insert spoon. Period. Pretzels dipped in herbed feta cheese that’s about room temp – delicious.

Best to you and your Mama!

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:35 am

You had me at feta …

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Debbie December 10, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Well, now I’m starving. My new fave: 1 little smoky and 1 water chestnut wrapped in bacon (1/2 slice) and stabbed with toothpick. Make a whole baking pan full, sling brown sugar (lots) over all, bake for about an hour at 350, broil at end if needed to brown. Watch it though! Don’t set those toothpicks on fire. I tried this for an appetizer at Thankgiving and it was dubbed Meat Candy. It was also fun to hear people yell “I need a little weiner!”

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:36 am

Li’l smokies?
Water chestnuts?

Bacon?

Brown sugar?

You’re not kidding meat candy.

Gotta do, gotta do. THANK YOU.

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Jen December 11, 2012 at 6:31 am

Love Alexandra! I’m all about anything with peanut butter. Well, maybe not anything but a lot of things. Apples, toast, bacon, all three together with peanut butter. You know what I mean.

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:37 am

Sliced apples in peanut butter is something I never get tired of.

A favorite thing of mine is a bowl with caramel sauce and chopped peanuts along side apple slices.

SO healthy, so satisfying. Packs easily in a lunch, too.

xo

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Barbara December 11, 2012 at 6:38 am

Thinking about you and your mom today! Keeping good thoughts and saying a prayer.

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Maggie S. December 11, 2012 at 8:15 am

Gawd. That’s pornographic. My kids leap between my fork and my mouth. They count my bites and keep a journal of the treats I get that they don’t. And yet the crumbs off their table still seem to be hanging a fat suit on me.

I could write an ebook of cobbled together dinners– Is Your Wife Faking It? 100 “One-Dish Meals” That Prove She’s Phoning It In.

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:38 am

That e book would sell, you know it.

I made the worst hodgepodge made up meal last week: too embarrassed to air it in public here.

Believe me: bad. BAD.

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Caitlin December 11, 2012 at 8:25 am

hahahah this is hilarious. im known to mix chocolate covered raisins in almond butter. oh and the other day when i was sick, i was just eating sliced deli meat ham on top of saltine crackers… it seemed normal.

sending my best to mama!

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Alexandra December 11, 2012 at 9:39 am

What? Sliced deli meat on top of saltines isn’t normal?
Oh I can never ever let you see me in real life.

xo

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Lisa December 12, 2012 at 10:30 am

Deep Fried Pepperoni slices with honey mustard dip.

2 slices buttered bread, 1 pack cheesy doritos. Insert doritos between bread – enjoy Simple yet effective carb boost – works with any kind of chip too, so versatile! :-)

Thinking happy thoughts for your Mama, hope all goes well.

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Suniverse December 21, 2012 at 9:55 am

Come over. I’ll make dinner. You talk.

It’ll be fine.

Just step away from the kitchen.

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Caitlin February 5, 2013 at 6:58 pm

my boyfriend would like me to add to this post…
-spaghetti with applesauce
-hot dogs with ketchup, mustard & apple sauce all wrapped in a bun
-day-old cold pizza topped with strawberry or grape yogurt (he swears it’s delicious….) highly debatable in my mind ;)

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