Guest Post: The Empress

December 9, 2012

 Hello, lovely readers! Today I’m sharing words from Alexandra, otherwise known as The Empress. And an Empress she is. She’s a blogging and Twitter rock star–if there was a Mick Jagger of Tweeting, she’d be it, hands down. She’s lovely and kind and I adore her. I do apologize in advance for the formatting issues–the Computer Poltergeist is still in the house. But without further ado–here’s Alexandra!
I stay home to make up snacks. All day long, on Twitter, I tweet my concoctions out to those smart enough to follow me.
Makeshift goodies that feel so good, is that wrong? A chocolate filled croissant warmed just a tad in the microwave? Rich, hand-whipped cream in a flavored coffee? Well, it’s not so bad.


I love to reach for the hot, the melted, the drizzled. Gooey, cheesy burgers. Toasted bagels with slathered cream cheese, double-loaded mozzarella on pizza, chocolate drizzled over…anything. Well, you all are in luck, because while Dana’s busy cooking the real deal in her kitchen, I’m throwing a little bit of this with a little bit of that, and mama’s not so crazy now.


My List of Made-Up Snacks: (you’re lucky this isn’t an ebook yet, yo)

Sliced bananas in a bowl mixed with microwave-melted Hershey’s kisses and mini marshmallows.


Graham cracker S’mores; exactly 23 seconds in the microwave.


Hot cocoa with a 5 second squirt of Reddi-Whip. Chocolate sauce? Don’t mind if I do.


McDonald’s will mix half and half of any flavor shakes for you. You’re welcome. Lately, I’m all into the half Arctic Orange with half Chocolate. Ho my god.


Peeled, sliced apples smothered in melted French Vanilla frosting.


Any kind of cupcake, any number of them. They don’t count as cake calories because they’re little and so cute. Calories from cute food never counts.


A hot dog sliced down the middle and filled with shredded cheese, then wrapped in bacon and put under the broiler for 4 minutes. Dang.


A dinner plate full of Doritos chips, sprinkled with taco-seasoned shredded cheese, diced tomatoes, crumbled cooked turkey meat, microwaved for 1:25, then dolloped —  twice — with sour cream and guacamole.


Guacamole. Period.


One scoop of chocolate ice cream with maraschino cherries on top. Mmmmm-hmmm.


Frozen Girl Scout Thin Mints. The freezing part is not optional.


Boy Scout-issue Cheese Pop Corn.


Instant brownies from the box, slathered with raspberry preserves while they’re still smoking hot.


Those Hot-Lava-Cake-in-5-microwave-minutes kits. Holy Wow. What genius invented them?


Lay’s Thick Cut Vinegar and Salt Potato Chips stuck in between the bun and hot sloppy joe meat.


25 (exactly) crumbled crackers floating on top of a home made bowl of chili, heavy on the tomatoes.


The Martha Stewart Brand New Recipe for Boston Cream Pie cupcakes. Again, due to size, calorieless.


A baked potato, nuked, and stuffed with bacon bits, sour cream, cheddar cheese and a touch of salsa.


A tall glass of Fanta orange soda served over a big fat scoop of creamy vanilla ice cream: JUST like the dreamsicles of youth.
Share and share alike, right? Follow me on twitter     and tell me your favorite     “what I can do with this and that”   recipe.
Are you hungry yet? She had me at guacamole.  TKW’s favorite crack snacks of late: Triscuits topped with pepper jack cheese, mustard and lettuce (this one makes hubby GAG). A toasted English muffin topped with hummus (Sabra brand only!) and crumbled bacon. And of course, my comfort food of choice, a big steaming bowl of buttered rice.  Please assure The Empress and I that there are other…inventive…snack-makers out there?
Happy Monday, dear readers. I hope you will tune in on Wed.– because my hilarious friend Jamie has a treat for you…her writing!
Readers, I just want to let you know that Mama is having surgery on Tuesday, and I honestly don’t know what the outcome is going to look like. We could be in for a haul. But we Sassy Bitches tend to keep on keepin’ on.
I won’t be around, but I have great writers filling in for me, so I hope you will still keep hanging out in this corner.


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