Only Me…

January 8, 2013

Hello Readers! Something happened Sunday that I have to Just Write about. Because shit like this only happens to me.

 

 

Do you remember the humor writing class I took in October-November? Well, the instructor of the class, Dave Fox (noted humor and travel writer) was in Denver this past Sunday, and he posted on his website, Globejotting.com.,that he and his wife were hosting happy hour at a downtown pub. Any and all readers of his blog/ travel books or former students in the vicinity were invited to come meet them, have a few brews and chat.

This was an opportunity I couldn’t pass up, even though it was way out of my comfort zone. An hour-long drive in frigid weather? Check. Meeting total strangers, perhaps many of them? Check. Pressure to make intelligent and witty conversation with an admired and rather famous writer? Check.

Gaa, I was a wreck.

Thank goodness hubby agreed to join me. He’s gotten quite good at “hand-holding” me through social situations, and that man can chat up a fire hydrant.

When we arrive at the pub, I immediately spot Dave and his wife; we exchange pleasantries and are ushered into a room reserved just for “friends of Dave Fox.”  I feel important already. Soon the room is teeming with strangers. We toast to Dave, swill beer and mingle about.

After one (quite strong) craft beer, I’ve loosened up enough to strike up a conversation with Dave and his wife. They’re jet-lagged (they live in Singapore) but still manage to be hilarious and warm and completely awesome.

Orders go in for round of beer #2. I become completely lost in discussion with a couple who, several years ago, decided to sell their home and all of their worldly possessions to travel (and write about it) all over the world.

They seriously live out of a suitcase. No home base AT ALL. No car, no stuff, no frills.  The idea freaks me out and appeals to me at the same time. How brave are they? I’m in awe of their vagabond spirit.

I become so engaged in conversation that suddenly, I realize that I have to pee really bad. We are talking emergency here. Two craft beers threaten to spill out of my person at any second. And remember, I’m the kid who earned the nickname “Leaky” as a child.

I race down the corridor in search of a bathroom. The first one I see is a free-standing single bathroom with a placard that reads: Handicapped. I don’t see any wheelchairs in the vicinity and Hell, a bladder like mine is a handicap in my book, so I go for it.

Doing the pee-pee dance, I lock the door, dash to the toilet and baaaarely make it. Whew.

I wash up and turn the lock to exit the bathroom. The lock won’t budge. I use more force. Nope. I twist the heck out of the thing. Nada.

I resort to banging on the door, hollering, “Hey! I’m stuck in here! Help! Help!”  It’s noisy in the bar and I yell for five minutes until someone (from the “friends of Dave Fox” group) hears me and assures me that help is on the way.

By now, my husband wonders where I’ve gone, so he wanders down the corridor and hears me screaming and banging. I’m screaming and banging and suddenly I hear the sonorous sound of his laughter. Jerk is in stitches and doing zippo to help me, which pisses me off.

Two male staff members arrive at the scene. “Turn the lock! Turn the lock to the right, Ma’am,” they yell.

“Oh please! I know how to open a fucking door!” I screech, furious now. “The dang lock won’t move!”

“Okay, uh, sorry for that. Umm, are you able to push on the door? Are you in a wheelchair?”

*cringe*

“No, I’m able to push on the door,” I admit. So I push. And push. And push.

“Are you pushing, Ma’am?” they ask.

“Yes, dammit, I’m pushing but I’m not a big person! I’m…oof…small! Oof.” Push. Push.

“Okay, uh, don’t panic, Ma’am. We’re just going to round up some tools. I think we’re gonna have to take the door off the hinges.”

By now, word has spread that some foul-mouthed, idiot woman has locked herself in the handicapped bathroom, so a crowd begins to form, and from the sound of it, they find my predicament amusing.

I can still hear my husband, who by now is in hysterics.

“Piss off, you fucker!” I holler at him through the door. “This isn’t funny!”

More laughter. “Oh yes it is,” he says. I think he might have even snorted.

#$@*&^%$$$*&!!!

The men return, tools in hand. They take the hinges off the right side of the door. No luck. That lock is jammed so tight that the door won’t come off.

I picture myself wasting away and dying, stuck forever in the handicapped bathroom.

“Okay, Ma’am. Ummm, that didn’t work. Can you kick the door? Hard as you can?”

I’m fuming, so kicking the door is no problemo. Sure, I’ll kick. Kick. Kick. Kickkickkick.

“Can you kick any harder?”

Argh! Wham! Wham! Whaammmm–and the door flies off, almost crushing the dudes trying to help me.

I look out at the faces of the “friends of Dave Fox,” including Dave, all in various stages of mirth.

I am the incontinent girl who pilfered the handicapped bathroom and then broke it. In front of people she wanted to impress. Awesome.

As I scurry out of the bathroom, one of the friends pipes up, “you know, it’s even funnier because she stole the handicapped toilet. That’s like, the icing, you know?”

Only me, I swear.

Post to Twitter

{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }

Jade @ Tasting Grace January 8, 2013 at 6:39 am

Haha – well, I’m sure you did make an impression! ;)

Reply

Abby January 8, 2013 at 6:43 am

But on the bright side, you got a humorous blog post out of it? Perhaps it was Dave’s master plan all along…sort of a final exam ;)

Reply

Gibby January 8, 2013 at 6:43 am

Hahahahahahahahaha!!!! Oh, that made my morning! “Are you in a wheelchair?” Hahaha!

*I mean, oh geez, sorry that happened to you, Dana. I’m sure no one thought it was a big deal. Really.*

Hahahahaha!

Reply

Lindsey January 8, 2013 at 6:52 am

Laughing out loud. This would SO happen to me! xoxox

Reply

kelly January 8, 2013 at 6:55 am

You. Are. Awesome. !!!

Reply

Jane January 8, 2013 at 8:19 am

“the icing” – my thoughts exactly! You say ‘only you’ but I could totally see this happening to me. And now, after your post, I’m so glad it never did. I tempted fate too many times to count in the men’s faculty bathroom. I taught on a hall that had a separate toilet for women and men. One each. That’s it. And with 12 women and 2 men teaching on that hall you can imagine the line between classes. So I would just pop into the men’s toilet, amid stares. But I didn’t care. If you gotta go, you gotta go.

As you already know. ;)

Reply

Melissa January 8, 2013 at 9:13 am

Thank you for the laugh today. I needed it. And I am sorry, like your husband, i would have been laughing hysterically outside also :)

At least you stepped outside of your comfort zone and met new people. Plus you left a lasting impression I am sure!!

Reply

Donna January 8, 2013 at 9:18 am

Think of it this way: you saved some handicapped person who would not have been able to kick the door.

Reply

TKW January 8, 2013 at 9:46 am

Donna,

I love a silver-linings person.

Reply

pia lousie January 8, 2013 at 2:21 pm

so true lol

Reply

Phoo-d January 8, 2013 at 9:25 am

Oh gosh, I’m in stitches over here. That is pretty hilarious and I have to say cut hubs some slack because I don’t think I’d be able to hold in my laughter either! ;) On the plus side, going forward you probably can contact anyone who was at the meet up and they’ll remember you!

Reply

TKW January 8, 2013 at 9:47 am

Phoo-d,

Alas, I do believe they’ll remember me. Gaa!

Reply

pia louse January 8, 2013 at 2:22 pm

everyone else was so glad it was you! omg i can’t believe it but funny funny funny!

Reply

Mr TKW January 8, 2013 at 9:47 am

The pub manager asked me if you were handicapped…and I replied “Well, not in the traditional sense….”

Reply

Anonymous January 8, 2013 at 9:53 pm

Bwahahaha!

Reply

TKW January 8, 2013 at 9:56 am

Piss off, you fucker!!

Reply

Jody January 8, 2013 at 10:14 am

You are AWESOME!!!!! You kick boxed a door down in non-athletic wear IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE!!!!!!! Were you wearing heels?

Reply

TKW January 8, 2013 at 11:12 am

Jody,

Thank goodness, no. The one bright spot…

Reply

BigLittleWolf January 8, 2013 at 10:48 am

Oh, Leaky. I heart you.

Only you, indeed. (Except, dare I say it, occasionally a few of the rest of us… bladder challenged and easily distracted? You know, the important professional reception, as you return from the bathroom trailing t.p. that’s stuck under your overly expensive shoe…)

I’ll say it again.

I heart you.

Reply

TKW January 8, 2013 at 11:12 am

Backatcha, Wolfie!

Reply

Pamela January 8, 2013 at 11:04 am

Oh Kitch. Sounds awful!! But funny:)

Reply

Shannon January 8, 2013 at 11:26 am

I have not laughed out loud this much at a post in a very long time. I think my neighbors can hear me. It’s not just the story but your telling of it that makes me guffaw.
And your husband’s comment and your response? Hilarious.

But I feel your pain. Really. I do.

Reply

elizabeth January 8, 2013 at 11:52 am

Oh D–you have *no* idea how much I needed to read this today.

Reply

TKW January 8, 2013 at 7:16 pm

Elizabeth,

You okay? I love you and am here if you need an ear–

Reply

Arnebya January 8, 2013 at 12:46 pm

No future um, traditionally handicapped, person will now get stuck in their bathroom. So, there’s that. And this is tremendously funny; Mr. Fox should be proud.

And you and Mr TKW’s comments? I’MA DIE.

Reply

Katybeth January 8, 2013 at 2:08 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Gasp. So sorry, Snort, I’ m laughing much to hard to comment. (tops kid biting Santa.)

Reply

Camille Brightsmith January 8, 2013 at 3:12 pm

I just leaked. thanks. I needed to laugh so hard I leaked!!!!!

Reply

Cathy January 8, 2013 at 4:37 pm

OMFG – that is hysterical!!!! I wonder how many of Dave’s students are going to write this one up? Who do you think will write it funniest? You should send him this post and maybe get a bonus grade?

Reply

TKW January 9, 2013 at 8:49 am

Cathy,

Too bad the class is over–I’d get extra credit for sure!

Reply

Jamie January 8, 2013 at 5:14 pm

Cackling. CACKLING! In front of my students here for after school tutoring!!!! Soooo freaking funny!!

PS I’m jel that you got to kick a door down!

Reply

TKW January 8, 2013 at 8:00 pm

Jamie,

I am hoping that you get a chance to kick a door in–without the humiliation.

Reply

Annette January 8, 2013 at 6:13 pm

At least you survived to warn us all not to use the handicapped restrooms!

Reply

Velva January 8, 2013 at 6:36 pm

Isn’t this exactly how Dave encouraged his fans to write?Up close and personal? I think you did it with this post (smile).

Seriously, I have gotten stuck in a restaurant bathroom before and quite frankly I got a little freaky.

Still, you had an amazing time, met amazing people and now you have a great story to tell too.

Reply

TKW January 8, 2013 at 7:58 pm

Velva,

You fellow motherstucker! I am dying to hear your story!

Reply

suzicate January 8, 2013 at 7:25 pm

…and I hope you will send this post to Dave!
You must be so must fun to hang out with and watch! It would be wonderful to hang with someone that more stuff happens to than me, lol!

Reply

TKW January 9, 2013 at 8:50 am

Suzicate,

Between the two of us, we could start up quite a fracas…

Reply

Lisa @ The Meaning of Me January 9, 2013 at 12:01 am

How perfectly awesome. When I hear a story this fantastic, I usually say something like “OMG, you can’t write shit that good.” But clearly it can be done. If I were at that party with you, I promise I would have helped you break down the door and escape. But I would probably also be cracking up and unable to breathe because I am a really bad sidekick.

Reply

idiosyncratic eye January 9, 2013 at 1:27 am

I make a point of never trusting locks. For good reason. ;)

Reply

Sherri January 9, 2013 at 6:54 pm

Laughed OUT LOUD when I read “some idiot, foul-mouthed woman has locked herself in the handicapped bathroom”. Cracking up. So sorry about the door and…. um…. stuff. I’m sorry – I can’t say it without laughing.

Reply

faemom January 10, 2013 at 12:31 am

At least it’s a funny story. AND you have a place to vent it. Ok, it’s not a funny story, right now. But you better come up with a great twist so if you ever hear the story told by your husband, you can cut him off at the knees with a better ending. (See that sh*t wouldn’t be lived down within my family, and so you have to do something to survive. I mean my cousins still make fun of something I did at age 3. THREE before any of them were born!)
And I can help. Give me a little time and I’ll figure out how to spin this.

Reply

TKW January 10, 2013 at 9:34 am

Fae,

Get on that, would you? I need a good spin!

Reply

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes January 10, 2013 at 5:15 am

Look I’ve been there and done that, only it was a regular girls-bathroom door and do you know the bright side: everybody will think twice before they start an argument with you. Because you are the lady who dragon-kicked a door out of its hinges. And you don’t mess with those.

Reply

The Curious Cat January 10, 2013 at 7:30 am

haha! This is very funny and cute! Your mean hubby! But I can see why he laughed! Oh well…It is a great story to tell! xxx

Reply

Daniela January 10, 2013 at 6:53 pm

LMAO!!! Dana, way to go! Dave will never forget you. I am sick with jealousy. I wouldn’t leave it to chance though. Send him this write up to solidify your place as teacher’s pet. Miss your sass and the humor class. Write on!

Reply

TKW January 29, 2013 at 7:53 pm

Daniela,

You doing the March class?

Reply

Samantha Angela January 11, 2013 at 7:17 am

Ahahaha! hilarious.

Reply

Maria January 11, 2013 at 10:17 am

Leaky,

I understand. I, too, am handicapped in the non-traditional sense. My husband would have doubled over and probably brought on cardiac arrest from the hysterics. And I would have have to pee again as soon as the door was knocked down. Remind me to tell you about the time I paid my mortgage to the wrong company. Good times.

XO

Reply

Dawn January 11, 2013 at 7:20 pm

I tried not to laugh. Really I did.

I tried very hard not to laugh but halfway through a snort of laughter just erupted and then I couldn’t stop. Husband is looking at me over the top of his glasses, eyebrow raised in question. I don’t think I can even explain. You have such a talent, both for writing and for remembering all the useful details of every funny situation you find yourself in. Really…can you please write a book!?

Remember. I was not laughing at you…I was laughing..oh shit…yes. I was laughing at you.

Sorry.

Reply

TKW January 12, 2013 at 11:04 am

Dawn,

No need to apologize. I am quite used to being laughed at. :)

Reply

Heather January 20, 2013 at 7:54 am

Ok, I gotta tell you that My Honey and I were catching up on blog reads on this Sunday morning and the boys had to bring her tissues because she was crying from laughter reading this. Only you my dear!!! I have a dear friend who has shit like this happen to her all of the time too. I think you two were separated at birth. I always tell her that she was Hitler in a past life and is paying hell for it now!!! I should hook you both up and you can write a book together! Thanks for the chuckle this Sunday morning at your expense.

Reply

Tiffany January 22, 2013 at 6:18 am

Thanks for making me laugh out loud this morning! Only you, girl.

Reply

Dave January 24, 2013 at 10:33 am

Dana–

Remember what I taught you in our class? “Humor is what happens when something goes wrong.” This is hilarious!

Sometimes, with my special students, I need to give them a little extra help and make something go wrong. Sorry for tampering with the bathroom door, but now you understand the concept. ;-)

As far as your social phobia at the beginning of the evening, you hide it spectacularly. And as far as me being “rather famous” goes, hell, I wish I could get 50+ comments on stories on my website!

Your story made me laugh maniacally. I think I just broke a rib. You’ll be hearing from my lawyers.

Reply

TKW January 26, 2013 at 8:11 pm

Your lawyers can come on down. You locked my ass in the handicapped bathroom. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. :)

I think I’d lose the trial, though, because I am the girl who has broken her butt twice and trips over every electrical cord in the house. Not a good defense, eh?

Reply

CK January 28, 2013 at 3:23 am

And the “Only Me” award goes to…THE KITCHEN WITCH!!

(And I have to agree with Dave, you hide your social phobia beautifully. Minus locking yourself in public bathrooms, and pool slide mishaps, I think you’re pretty graceful. :)

Reply

TKW January 29, 2013 at 7:54 pm

CK,

Don’t forget the Superama!!! xoxo

Reply

CK January 30, 2013 at 3:57 am

The Superama!

Best memory to start a day EVER.

Reply

Maggie S. January 29, 2013 at 6:04 pm

…at a get together for people who write comedy…

You win.

Reply

TKW January 29, 2013 at 7:56 pm

Maggie,

My husband said (as I was freaking out in the car on the way home), “at least you were with a group with a healthy sense of humor.” Indeed.

Reply

Janet February 8, 2013 at 6:14 pm

My apology is long overdue. I heard you pounding on the bathroom door. I thought it was drama unfolding between two restaurant employees. I wanted none of that.

In my defense, I brought the person that went for help. Honest.

P.S. I once met a carpet witch. Are you two sisters?

Reply

TKW February 9, 2013 at 2:18 pm

Janet,

A carpet witch? That sounds sort of (oh jeez, my mind goes in awful places sometimes). Ahem. Anyways. Thank you for the SOS!

Reply

The dang Yankee February 23, 2013 at 9:43 pm

I was at Dave’s meet up in Bethesda, MD, and nothing approaching this happened there. You should go on tour with him next time he’s stateside to kind of liven things up a bit.

Reply

Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) February 8, 2014 at 10:43 am

Hilarious story! Love it!

Reply

Leave a Comment

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: