10 Things I Don’t Know How to Do

March 21, 2013

Hello, awesome Readers! Taking a bit of a breather today from all things Blume ( albeit exciting) and linking up with MamaKat today! I decided to respond to the prompt: Name 10 things you don’t know how to do.

Ha! That’s cake! Believe me, it’s a lot easier to answer that question than answer: Name 10 things you are good at.

What can I say? I’m a scaredy-britches and hesitant to try new things, so the laundry list of things I can’t do definitely dominates.


Mama’s Losin’ It


10 Things I Don’t Know How to Do


10. Style girl hair. Especially springy, whackadoodle Indian-girl hair. WHY did God give me girls? Boys are so much easier in the hair department. At least if I had boys, they wouldn’t go to the bus stop looking like a carnival sideshow.

9. Bake a *swear jar* cake. True story: one year, for hubby’s birthday, I invited 2 other couples over for dinner. I decided to bake a cake that I saw Emeril Lagasse bake on Food Network. An hour before guests were to arrive, I took the lovely, puffy chocolate cake out of the oven…and it immediately fell. Flat. As in, brownie flat. Panicked, I put the cake on the cooling rack and riffled through my refrigerator/freezer for anything I could find to salvage this thing. Luckily, I had a pint of coffee ice cream in my freezer. I popped the cake in the freezer, softened the ice cream, spread it over the cooled cake and threw it back in the freezer. Then I drizzled chocolate syrup over it. Everyone loved it. “What do you call this cake?” one of the guests asked. “Out of the Ass Cake,” I replied.

8. Change a flat tire. I do believe that’s why AAA was invented.

7. Not laugh when someone cuts a fart. What can I say? I have the sense of humor of a 13 year-old.

6. Play Beer Pong. Am I missing something?

5. Think up fun crafts for my kids to do using items I just happen to have on hand. During a snowstorm.

4. Ride a bicycle. Hey, it’s a coordination issue, people!

3. Watch a movie (after putting the kids to bed), in its entirety, without falling asleep on the couch. My poor husband.

2. Kill a hamster. Oh wait…

1. Feign enthusiasm when taking my kids to 1) the water park 2) the amusement park 3) the circus 4) anywhere in public


Please share your own inadequacies in the comments section. I now have very low self-esteem.


PS: Good news, Blumers! Kim and I have gotten such terrific response to The Judy Blume Project that we’re extending the submission deadline until the end of June! Get your writing juices flowing! Details for submissions here.

{ 31 comments… read them below or add one }

Abby March 21, 2013 at 7:01 am

Holy crap! I was going to write a similar post to this! Now I’ll change my direction, as yours pretty much sums things up quite well to some extent (my list would be much longer and I can totally ride a bike.)

But the tire thing? Beer pong? Hair? No clue.


Denise March 21, 2013 at 7:23 am

Visiting from Mama’s Losin’ It…this is the best list! I crossed “can’t ride a bike” off my own list at the grand age of 32, thanks to a husband who was tired of dragging my butt around on a tandem.


Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes March 21, 2013 at 7:29 am

I’m with you on the hair styling. My girls and I have the same straight hair, it is straighter than straight, flatter then a pancake and will always fall back into the same limp tresses, no matter how much mousse you use.


jen @ grown in southern ground March 21, 2013 at 7:39 am

i basically said the same thing about changing a flat tire!



Arnebya March 21, 2013 at 8:17 am

I tear cakes up. Every time. I have decided to blame the oven. It can’t be me every time, right? Different ingredients (read: box) don’t matter. It’s always the same: cake bad.


Kim Jorgensen Gane March 21, 2013 at 8:28 am

Psht–feign enthusiasm at an all *swear jar* day Pinewood Derby, and also pretend I don’t want to MURDER the little girl (I needed coffee!) in desperate need of Ritalin who was tapping her feet LOUDLY on the wooden bleachers that my a$$ was fused to THE ENTIRE TIME! I ran out to get myself that coffee, thus saving the poor afflicted child’s life, and nearly missed my son’s heat. What can I say? I had Blume on the brain, and I’m a WIP. *sigh*


Katybeth March 21, 2013 at 9:10 am

Paint–anything. Sew anything, learn a foreign language (12 years of Spanish, taught me I can’t learn Spanish or any other language), watch any movie or television show with an animal in it, watch Shameless, beat my mother at jacks, write a comment without errors, not make my bed in the morning and on and on and on.
I had a boy and encouraged him learn to do my hair–You Tube videos, and a desire to be better at French braiding than the girls in his class and his grandmother turned him into one heck of a braider and “up-doer” these days I tip. I’m betting one of your girls is good at hair…show her the videos. Be clear tho, no cutting. :-D


tammigirl March 21, 2013 at 10:09 am

I was just saying to myself “Let’s go on the internet and see if we can find you a bff.”

Are you busy later?


Sherri March 21, 2013 at 11:02 am

Oh no … I’m scared to start my list. Can’t bowl (got a 27 once) – can’t snowboard (despite lessons and plenty of ops) – can’t french braid (but watched my daughter learn how in like 30 sec) – Oh – there’s so much…..


Dana March 21, 2013 at 12:25 pm

Do makeup. I’m 2 days short of a quarter century old, and still have no idea how to do this crazy grown up mysterious act of ‘putting on a face.’


Samantha Angela March 21, 2013 at 12:45 pm

I think I changed about 5 flat tires while I was a teenager alone. If I didn’t know how to change a tire I would have been fucked on multiple occasions. It’s a good thing to know.


Lisa March 21, 2013 at 1:33 pm

OK, I am going to compare yours to mine:

10. Style girl hair – I also have 2 girls, the eldest has the hair I had as a child, poker straight, slippery as heck (yes I did say heck – I have no swear jar available) and will not do ANYTHING no matter how much product is used, even if you try 10 types at once. And I can’t french braid. Youngest girl has curly hair that does not grow at all, has barely made it to chin length by almost age 3 and looks like she just got out of be 30 seconds after being brushed – Seriously! I can still be brushing one side and the other side looks like I never did it. Consequently, se goes unbrushed many times as I figure it just isn’t worth wasting my time.

9. Bake a cake – Now this one really *swear jar*’s me off! Damn, that didn’t last! In England I could cook cakes like a champ, from scratch, any kind, they would rise up like mountains. Now I actually live near the mountains in Calgary, and the altitude, combined with the move to electric from gas ovens has resulted in the most pitiful frisbee like efforts unless I use a *swear jar* boxed mix!

8. Change a flat tire – I learned how to do this, haven’t done it in years but best hope I still can as I do not have any roadside coverage. I did teach my hubbie how to do it though!

7. Not laugh when someone cuts a fart – You would love my husband then, he would have you laughing all day….

6. Play Beer Pong – What the hell is Beer Pong anyway? I heard it mentioned bit just have no idea… Maybe they don’t do it in England, where we prefer Beer without the Pong.

5. Think up fun crafts for my kids to do using items I just happen to have on hand. During a snowstorm – I could do this, and I have lots of stuff on hand. I just can’t be arsed…

4. Ride a bicycle – In theory (much like ice skating) I can do this, though I had not done either since my early 20’s. Tried skating last month, so if riding a bike goes as well I will need the helmet and the knee pads just to get out my yard..

3. Watch a movie (after putting the kids to bed), in its entirety, without falling asleep on the couch – I have insomnia – I can watch three movies, and then fall asleep at work next afternoon

2. Kill a hamster – Bahahaha!! HAMSTER KILLER!!!! I have never done this (intentionally….. Though may have done so several times unintentionally…)

1. Feign enthusiasm when taking my kids to 1) the water park 2) the amusement park 3) the circus 4) anywhere in public – Oh I *swear jar* hear ya!!


TKW March 22, 2013 at 7:09 am


I now have to figure out how to work “I can’t be arsed” into every conversation I have from now on! Woop!


Tiffany March 21, 2013 at 2:54 pm

Out of my ass cake—-love it! And I can’t help but laugh at farts either…pretty inconvenient for the mother of boys and teacher of high schoolers. ;)


Amy R. March 21, 2013 at 4:51 pm

Cannot make fudge to save my soul!


Norlaine March 21, 2013 at 5:04 pm

10 Things I Don’t Know How to Do:

1. Crochet. Like hopeless. Like a cat got into the wool.
2. Spit. No, seriously. I play hockey and I cannot spit. At least, not so the drool doesn’t just run down my chin. Spitting is not required for hockey, and in women’s hockey it is usually frowned upon, but I used to play with guys…
3. Again, with hockey – Climb over the boards onto the ice. Tried once. Did a very painful and embarrassing face-plant. The guys laughed at me. Hey, I’m only 5’2″.
4. Balance a cheque-book. I just pay for everything with a debit card and look online to see how much I have left in the account.
5. Go into a grocery store with a short list and only buy what’s on the list.
6. Remember numbers. My husband is an accountant. He doesn’t get how I can’t remember how much something cost, or my Social Insurance number, or phone numbers. I just don’t think in numbers.
7. Again with the hockey – Raise the puck consistently. It happens sometimes. I am usually more surprised than anyone when it does.
8. Keep the kitchen clean. I love to cook. I try, I really do, to clean up after myself. It’s like gremlins come in after I have wiped the counters and scatter crumbs and sticky things around…
9. Ask for help. My mother was the Western Canada distributor for guilt and I vowed never to do that to my kids. BUT, I did inherit her passive aggressive tendencies. So, I say nothing. Just go about with a distressed look and my family probably thinks I have chronic indigestion.
10. Grow my nails long. I know, seems like a simple thing. I don’t chew them. I put on nail polish religiously. As soon as they get just past the tips of my fingers they break or tear. Usually right at the quick. So annoying.

So that’s my list. I had to constrain myself to 10. I could go on and on…


TKW March 22, 2013 at 7:12 am


You play hockey? You badass! *swear jar* That is awesome.
And I’m the same way with numbers–hopeless!


Lisa March 22, 2013 at 11:03 am

I laughed so hard at #9 Norlaine.
My mother is the UK distributor for guilt and gloom (she can multi-task!)
Maybe they should compare notes…
I expect I have that same look of indigestion much of the time.


Amy Whitley March 21, 2013 at 5:14 pm

My list would look similar in many ways. I think the reason I can’t bake a cake is a patience issue: I can’t wait to let it cool before frosting it. Also on my list: I can’t fix a clogged toilet (nor do I want to learn), I can’t seem to drive the speed limit, and I can’t fly a kite (I am starting to suspect it’s all an illusion).


TKW March 22, 2013 at 7:13 am


Due to heavy experience, I am aces at unclogging toilets. Call me the Empress of Excrement.


Lisa March 22, 2013 at 11:06 am

Me too! My eldest girl used to block toilets at least once a week, despite hardly eating, and I swear what she produced was triple the amount as the food consumed.
I can unclog any toilet or sink – 6 year olds and ‘experiments’ will cause that!


Alexandra March 21, 2013 at 5:31 pm

Only ten?

Call me back when you ask for 50.

(you are so cute, hamster asassin and all)


Jamie March 21, 2013 at 11:28 pm

I love being terrible at beer pong…I always get to drink the most beer! Inside I am secretly a pot bellied frat boy.


Maggie S. March 22, 2013 at 2:58 am

I absolutely, positively cannot think of smart questions to ask people I’ve just met. Or make small talk with people I’ve met but don’t know well.


TKW March 22, 2013 at 7:14 am


Small talk is torturous, isn’t it? I’d rather have a jalapeno enema.


Justine March 22, 2013 at 9:05 am

Haha, I knew you and I were kindred spirits for a reason. The last time I rode, no *tried* to ride a bicycle was before Little Miss was born (actually, I was pregnant with her at the time) and we were a part of a tour that involved riding a bike to different adventures like snorkeling, swimming in caves, and ziplining. Guess which was the part that I had the most trouble with? So embarrassing.


pamela March 22, 2013 at 6:01 pm

Yikes. Only 10? Things I don’t know how to do …

Budget – Excel sheets make me cross-eyed and budgets make me want to spend $100 on olives. Or shoes

Knit, crochet, quilt, etc. The whole time I think – I could be reading a book.

Make friends without a tremendous amount of anxiety

Go to the grocery store with the kids without tremendous amount of anxiety

Travel without a tremendous amount of anxiety.

Set boundaries. I am a freaking doormat and I really want to change this.

Eat soup for breakfast. I tried for a cleanse but I would rather just starve. I could go on and on … the other night I couldnt’ even do Oliver’s math homework and he’s only in first grade.


TKW March 23, 2013 at 9:12 am


I’m with you on the math! I was ousted as “homework helper” by third grade!


Lisa @ The Meaning of Me March 22, 2013 at 7:49 pm

I find it hard to believe I didn’t put a couple of these on my own list. For example, the fart thing. It’s impossible. Unless it’s the Hub in which case I am usually completely and outrageously disgusted. For some reason, his are not funny. Beer Pong is apparently so far off my radar I didn’t even think to wonder why I don’t know how. This should indicate a great deal about my college-age social life…or, uh, lack thereof.


Kat March 24, 2013 at 9:31 pm

I am now craving “out of the ass” cake…I must have it!


Jennifer April 5, 2013 at 12:46 pm

I literally laughed out loud, with a snort, at number 2.


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