Linking up with MamaKat today, answering the prompt: List 10 things you’re afraid of.
I’ll begin this post by saying how difficult it was to narrow the field of things I find freaky down to a mere list of 10. Anyone who knows me at all is cognizant of the fact that I’m a card-carrying member of the Chickenshit Posse. I have never been a brave girl and the woman version of me is faring no better. Cluck, cluck.
But I had to pick only ten items and I’m an obedient soul, so here goes:
10 Things Dana Will Lose Her Shit Over:
1. Crowds of People. I hate people. Why do I hate people, you ask? Because people expect you to converse with them. Plus, most people are morons. Clearly, I am one of those morons because only morons attend a conference with 5,000 attendees (when they fear people) of their own free will. Oh, BlogHer 13…why did you seduce me into thinking I could pretend to be normal?
2. Birds. And it’s not for the Hitchcock reason. The reason I hate birds goes far back into my past. When I was a little kid, there was only one thing I despised more than the banana-flavored medicine from Hell, and that was getting my hair washed. I had naturally curly hair that tangled and Mama was a notoriously vigorous hair washer, and those two things don’t mix, let me tell you. I actually would hide from Mama as soon as I saw her get out the shampoo. One summer day in
paradise North Dakota, Mama corralled me and gave my strands a thorough scrubbing. Afterwards, pissed off at the indignity that is getting your hair washed, I stormed outside. I hadn’t been outside 5 minutes before I felt something warm and squishy land on my head. That’s right, readers. A bird shit on my sparkly shampooed head. Then followed a critical dilemma: did I tell Mama about it immediately and suffer hair torture again or could I stall a while in the chance she wouldn’t notice? As if. Mama notices everything. Hair torture #2. Then I went back outside. Because I’m a moron. Damned if that bird didn’t crap on my head again. It was a strong sign from the universe that birds are evil, vindictive assholes. They terrify me to this day.
3. Yeast. The kind you bake with. Yeast is alive! It’s terrifying! Just ask the Bread-Making Fiasco of 1985. Scarred me for life.
4. Grasshoppers. See here.
5. Ferris wheels. I know. It’s stupid. If I fear heights, why don’t I fear roller coasters? Well, that’s because roller coasters go fast. If you’re stuck on a ferris wheel, it squeaks and meanders at a sloth-like pace and you get so bored that you forget not to look down and AGGGG.
6. The dentist. Yes, I am one of those freaks who fears the dentist. You can stick a needle into any orifice in my body and I won’t flinch, but come at me with one of those little mirrors and picky thingies? Uh-uh.
7. That thing in the back of the cheese compartment of my refrigerator. It’s been there since Thanksgiving, I think.
8. The possibility that my kids may go on Oprah.
9. Flies. Hey, I wrote a research paper in high school biology on the book To Know a Fly. You don’t want to know a fly. Disgusting.
10. A ringing telephone. I don’t do phone. I give shitty phone and just the sound of a phone ringing makes my sphincter clench up into my lung cavity. Never call me maybe. Ever.
Love you, readers. I don’t know why you put up with my neuroses, but I’m sure glad you do. And if you’re going to BlogHer 13 and haven’t let me know, let me know already! I’ll be the one in the corner hiding from other people and not answering the telephone.