Monday Mischief

November 18, 2013

Unlike her daughter, who spent her high school and college years hiding under a davenport somewhere, Mama was saucy and popular and never at a loss for dates.

It started in her elementary school years, when a neighborhood boy named Dickie Spurr (for reals) claimed her as his own and wandered over at length, tossing pebbles at her bedroom window and yelling,”Mar-eeee! Oh Mar-eee! Come out!” Poor old Dickie. He didn’t stand a chance.

Mama’s brother, John, was four years her senior and inevitably, when he came home for college breaks, he’d bring tagalong friends who quickly became smitten with my mother.

The boys would nervously approach my grandfather, coats in hand, and request permission to take my mother out on dates.

“Aww, Jesus! Why in the world would you want to date Mary?” my grandfather would harrumph, cigarette in hand. “She’s a loudmouth and a minx and she’ll rob you of your heart, your dignity, and any spare cash you have around.”

And Mama was his favorite of his children.

Mama’s wiles were particularly forceful in college–she rarely spent a weekend night at home. Boys hopped around like sand fleas, and she’d flick them off as quickly as they approached.

One college spring, my mother was nominated for the Sweetheart of Sigma Chi. This was no small deal. To be a contender of Sweetheart of Sigma Chi, a girl had to have a spectacular grade point average, come from a reputable family, have a leadership  role in the Greek community on campus, and possess wit, style, and a rockin’ pair of legs.

Normally, Mama didn’t bother much with those contests, but she wanted this one badly, mainly because her nemesis, a saucy girl named Barbara with a smart mouth, was in contention.

Mama collected her letters of recommendation and her credentials and flew into the Sigma Chi interview panel with determination. Barbara was as good as toast.

Until the final question of the interview. After wading successfully and flirtatiously through her interview, the panel of judges had one more task for her to complete. “Tell us a joke,” they said, leaning back in their chairs.


Mama was dumbstruck. What a thing to ask of a girl, cold out of the blue? Mama tried her best, but she couldn’t think of anything. She also lost to that witch, Barbara.

Like Mama, I am not a joke teller. I love to hear good jokes, and I always tell myself that I’m going to remember the good ones, but Whoosh! Once I’ve heard a joke and laughed on it, it’s out of my head forever.

Case in point: ask me to tell you a joke today, and I will tell you the one joke that’s remained in my arsenal for at least 20 years. Nothing else ever sticks but this one has.

*A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.”

Yeah. That one.

So help a girl out, readers. Tell me a joke with sticking power. Tell me one I can rip out of my brain during the hideous and arduous Holiday Party Grind.

I’ll love you forever if you would…

{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }

Jody November 18, 2013 at 8:06 am

What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat? A hippo with chapped lips.


Dana Talusani November 18, 2013 at 2:35 pm

Hippos are dangerous! I don’t think I’d want to cross paths with a Hippo in need of Chapstick!


Pearl November 18, 2013 at 10:34 am

My chemistry teacher’s joke; “What do you get when you eat fission chips?
An atomic ache!”


Dana Talusani November 18, 2013 at 2:36 pm

I am nerdy enough to love that joke.


Erica November 18, 2013 at 1:24 pm

When asked that question I can only ever think of dirty jokes.


Dana Talusani November 18, 2013 at 2:36 pm


And that’s going to stop you? :)


Erica November 18, 2013 at 2:43 pm

Seriously, I’m trying to think of a joke to use in mixed company and I can’t.

At the Naval Academy joke telling is a big part of the culture. Plebes are given assignments to tell jokes. When Alec was a plebe he texted me early one morning, “I need a dirty joke.” Well, I gave him one. After he told it, his Marine squad leader wanted to know where he learned it and Alec honestly answered, “My Mom.” Yep, I got a reputation at USNA.


LQ November 18, 2013 at 1:40 pm

A man is shopping for a Christmas gift for the wife who has everything, and just as he’s leaving the mall, he hears singing from a pet shop. He walks in and sees a parrot with the nametag “Chess”. When asked, the shop owner puts a match under the parrot’s left foot – “Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the way!”. The man is impressed. The shop owner puts a match under the parrot’s right foot – “Silent night. . . holy night”. The man buys the parrot, and that night gives it to his wife at a Christmas party they are hosting. She is unimpressed with Chess the parrot, until he gives her a match and asks her to put it under the left foot. “Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the way!”. The wife smiles, so he tells her to put it under his right foot “Silent night. . . holy night” She’s a little drunk, so she puts the match between his legs.

“Chess’ nuts roasting on an open fire. . . “


S in AK November 18, 2013 at 2:51 pm

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! If I can remember that, *I’ll* be sharing it. :D


Dana Talusani November 18, 2013 at 2:38 pm


Love it! I have a phobia about birds–hate them–so this one made me grin.


S in AK November 18, 2013 at 2:48 pm

The only joke I can ever remember is rather rude. I doubt you’d want to repeat it. But it’s the one I tell–clearly, I don’t possess Erica’s reticence about these things:


(If it’s big enough, hard enough, and in far enough, it’s in decent.)


Dana Talusani November 18, 2013 at 7:48 pm

S in AK,



Anonymous November 18, 2013 at 4:39 pm

What’s black and white and red all over?

A penguin in a blender.


Jamie November 18, 2013 at 5:18 pm

Nick’s best friend told this gem in his bachelor party speech:

“There are four types of orgasm.
The positive: ‘Oh yes oh yes oh yes!’
The negative: ‘Oh no oh no oh no!’
The religious: ‘Oh god oh god oh god!’
And the fake: ‘Oh Nick oh Nick oh Nick!'”

Disgusting, and completely unusable at a holiday party, but it brought the house down!


Dana Talusani November 18, 2013 at 7:49 pm



Caitlin November 18, 2013 at 7:24 pm

hahaha.. i love this! i was reading in anticipation of where the post was heading, but i didn’t expect this! hehe. here’s my joke that is definitely appropriate for the minxes:

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator!! I don’t know why, but it always makes me laugh. lol


Dana Talusani November 18, 2013 at 7:50 pm


The littlest minx loved this one!


Robin November 18, 2013 at 8:16 pm

I can’t tell jokes. I don’t remember jokes. I don’t tell jokes.

I used to do sarcasm well, but lost it with my youth.

I have a one-liner from Miss Piggy, which is not as funny as your skeleton joke : Never eat more than you can lift.

It’s not that funny. Like I said, I don’t tell jokes.


Lisa @ The Meaning of Me November 18, 2013 at 8:57 pm

Loved this : a saucy girl named Barbara with a smart mouth…

Jokes…you need the Fab Hub for that one. His offerings:
Two guys walk into a bar; the third one ducks.
What’s big, yellow, dangerous, and lives in a tree? A 300 pound canary with a machine gun. Or in his musician category he’s got like a thousand.

Kidzilla’s favorite: What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. She also enjoys the classic What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

I know an OB-GYN who tells this one: Hi, I’m a gynecologist…at your cervix. (Groan and eye roll.) He thinks no one’s ever heard that one before.

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: “I’ll take a beer, and one for the road.”
Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool? They kept dropping their trunks.

But my latest favorite…
What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield? Its ass.


kb November 18, 2013 at 9:14 pm

I spent last weekend practicing knock, knock jokes on the way to soccer, this was the only one that was actually clever.

Knock, knock – who’s there? “Ach”, Ach who, “Oh, I made you sneeze.”


Dana Talusani November 19, 2013 at 5:45 am


As a girl who has German running through my veins, this one made me smile.


Jennifer November 20, 2013 at 9:57 am

What did the fish say when he ran into the cement wall? Dam. (Makes me laugh every single time.)

My kids like this one: What did Tigger see when he looked in the toilet? Pooh.


elizabeth November 20, 2013 at 11:12 am

I can give you a real-life story courtesy of my father-in-law:

“I was at the Wegmans two evenings ago and this couple was looking at the fresh pasta case. The man kept saying “here’s the nookie” and it took everything in my power to not tell them that it’s ‘gnocchi’ and the nookie is for after dinner.”

(I swear this was true, because he told us and I immediately went to my smartphone and wrote it down because I need to record all of his sayings.)


Tiffany November 27, 2013 at 8:09 pm

What did 0 say to 8? Nice belt!


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