Whackadoodle Link-Filled Post

March 26, 2014

Readers, I feel like I have so much to tell you. I’m so behind and I don’t even know where to start, and none of it really fits together, and I write way too many Whackadoodle posts as it is, but here’s another.


Some things that happened the last two or so weeks:

* We T. girls caught the Plaugue (but you knew that) and that darn crud lingered forever.

* I got dizzy and dehydrated from the plague and fainted dead away in our kitchen, cracking a hole in the drywall. With my head. I also cracked my butt on the kitchen hardwood floors.

* Good news: I didn’t break my butt again.

*Bad news: I have a concussion (which will be my third) and the story isn’t nearly as funny as the concussion story here, but what can I say? Just call me CrackHead.

*Worse news: I can’t drive for a few days and I’m sleepy/nauseous as all get out. Plus, looking at bright light or anything moving gives me the spins, so I haven’t been able to write, read, watch tv or go out in the daylight. It’s bad enough to be a vampire but to be a boring vampire? The shame!

* Mixed-Bag news: if I continue to improve, the T. family leaves for California for Spring Break on Saturday.       cue the “Jaws music.”

*Mixed-Bag news part deux: if I do go to California, I’ll return home for a few days and then depart for the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Conference in Dayton, Ohio.  I am excited but terrified about this. BlogHer is always so much pressure, and while this conference is smaller, everyone there is witty and funny, and that’s another kind of pressure in itself. Gaaa, I’m expected to be witty and funny! I don’t think I can do that. In fact, as soon as I found out I was attending Erma, I found myself completely unable to write anything funny for weeks. See? Having to be funny renders me unfunny. Shit!

* Good news: I’m not at the main hotel that the conference is being held at, so if I feel overwhelmed and frazzled and out of my element, I can burrow in my room. I am bringing emergency provisions~ chocolate, Twizzlers, gummi worms, grain alcohol, magazines, tissues, a noose and lots of old George Clooney movies. Hopefully, I won’t need the noose.

In case you’re tempted to feel sorry for me, I’ll let you know that the real person deserving pity is my poor husband, who has had to put up with me through all of this.  Can. You. Imagine?

Sick wench+concussed head+smashed butt+upcoming trip with children+full-fledged small-dog neurosis about an upcoming conference?  That man’s been carrying seven kinds of owl shit on his shoulders, and will be for weeks to come. He deserves way more than a medal. I’d ask him what he’d like, but he’d probably reply, “a new wife,” so I won’t do that.**

In other news close to home:

* I was chosen for the cast of Listen to Your Mother-Boulder! I was pretty dang surprised, let me tell you. But happy to be included in such a group of terrific women. And, of course, nervous, but I’ll deal with that issue in May. If you’re interested in tickets, you can find info here under Listen to Your Mother. Thanks to everyone who propped me up and cheered me on and told me that I could do this!

* Mozz-Man has become an escape artist. The little Houdini has gotten out several times, and yesterday, when I ordered him to come back in the house, he stood there and looked at me derisively, like, “Piss off, Mom. It’s spring.” And then he took off running for several blocks. I have no idea how I caught him because Mozzy is wicked fast and I was concussion-dazed and in my pajamas, but I did eventually catch the little rascal.  He has been in a very naughty phase for the past few weeks, which the vet assured me was normal, but…

* We discovered that he also gnawed a Mozzy-sized hole in the bottom of the couch. When he’s in trouble, instead of going to his crate, he’ll make a break for for sofa, dive under it and the get INside the couch. Whaa?

* I caught him lifting his wee leg and pissing on the garbage can in the kitchen. Yo, Mozz! We’ve been doing so great on the PeePee Train, you and I, so what are you doing now, pissing on cans?

* He still likes to eat underwear. I fear this habit we’re stuck with.

* Mozzy is going to doggy daycare for the first time while we’re in California. I’m a wreck. I already feel guilty. Although I may get some rest?


The point is, I guess, that I’ll be out of touch for a while. But I promise to bring back good stories and share them with you, so please stick around?

Also, I love y’all.

Also, any doggy advice (or head injury advice) is welcome since I clearly don’t know what I’m doing.


**Honey, you wouldn’t really trade me in for a new wife, would you? I’d die. But I know you deserve a reward for putting up with all of this nonsense. Can’t you request something remotely do-able, like a threesome with hot midget hookers who look like Kate Beckinsale?  Or something like that? Because this ship would sink without you around. *smooch*




{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Kristen @ Motherese March 26, 2014 at 10:21 am

Oh, girl, it’s just one thing after another over there, isn’t it? Here’s hoping your daze clears soon and that you have an awesome time on vacation and at the conference. (I’ve heard rave reviews about that one.) And HUGE congrats on LTYM! Not surprised one bit. xoxo


Quarterto5 March 26, 2014 at 10:27 am

As someone who has had 11 concussions, I have the utmost sympathy. The second to last one I had caused something the neurologist calls “post concussion syndrome” which causes me to lose words here and there. And it isn’t like I’m losing the word “antidisestablishmentarianism”. I lose the word “garage”, for example. I can tell you it’s the place attached to your house where you park the car, but I cannot come up with the exact word. Drives me buggy when it happens.

That said, I think you will rock the Erma conference. But if you do use the noose, use it as a foothold to climb out a window with the other end tied inside.


Dana Talusani March 26, 2014 at 4:57 pm

Quarter to 5,

Eleven!! What do you do, race motorcross or something! Holy crap! And I’m talking like a stupid person, which last night I told my husband, “this totally explains Troy Aikman.”

Here’s hoping I opt for the other option for that noose…


Quarterto5 March 26, 2014 at 6:03 pm

Well, to be fair, these have accumulated since I was a kid. I was always a wild child tomboy, so one was from playing freeze tag and tripping over an exposed tree root and falling temple-first onto another (sandy soil in that part of upstate NY). One was from my father when I told him a rational answer to a drunken question. One was from a collision at home plate in softball – I was the catcher and the girl outweighed me by about 75lbs. She came in forearm-first and knocked me clean off my feet. One was from an asshole boyfriend. One was at work.

Most recent one? Photography injury. Yup. Only me. I was sitting on the ground between two soccer fields shooting a game of U13 boys. Behind me was a U18 game. a shot went wide and hit me full force in the back of the head. Rang my bell quite nicely. =)


Erica March 26, 2014 at 11:07 am

Since you put a hole in the the wall with your cranium, can we now call you Cement Head?

My dog advice… consult the Monks of New Skete. Seriously.
The Art of Raising a Puppy…

…and How to Be Your Dog’s Best Friend

Safe Travels & Good Luck!!!


Dana Talusani March 26, 2014 at 4:58 pm

I’ll check them out–thank you! I can use all of the help I can get.


Abby March 26, 2014 at 11:11 am

First of all, congrats on the LTYM thing! That’s so great!

Second, I’m already throwing myself a huge pity party over everyone going to Erma who will all become BFFs and leave me behind as they go on to become rich and famous and everything that I’m not, so there’s that.

Third, just start walking around in a protective bubble. We need our Kitchen Witch hanging around.


Dana Talusani March 26, 2014 at 4:59 pm


I will never, ever leave you behind! I think you’re awesome. Plus, I’ll never be famous, so no worries.


The Shitastrophy March 26, 2014 at 2:23 pm

That has to be some kind of guinness book record or something on concussions…fainting and hitting drywall?! Epic. I will totally hang with you at Erma – cause I have stage fright about the whole being funny all day thing.


Dana Talusani March 26, 2014 at 5:02 pm


Come hang with me! I have gummi worms! And YOU are someone I cannot wait to meet.


Biz March 26, 2014 at 2:34 pm

Well, I guess if you had to be a crack head, that’s the way to be one – ouch! You will be WONDERFUL at that Erma conference – you shouldn’t worry so much – you are funny, beautiful and talented – just remember that!

Safe travels!


Dana Talusani March 26, 2014 at 5:01 pm


Can I stick you in my suitcase?


S in AK March 26, 2014 at 2:45 pm

No advice to offer; I think you and the hubs have it well covered with always looking for/finding the “funny” in everything! I will just wish you (all) exceptional good health for your two trips.


Katybeth March 26, 2014 at 4:54 pm

I hope you go to California and come home feeling GOOD. Everything else will wait.


Alison March 27, 2014 at 12:15 am

Oof, ouch. You feeling better, girl?
Have a fun getaway!


Shannon March 27, 2014 at 11:57 am

Congrats on LTYM!!

I cannot wait to see you at Erma. I assure you that I am neither funny nor witty unless it’s by accident, so we can just laugh at each other.


Dana Talusani March 27, 2014 at 4:28 pm


I’ma gonna give you the biggest hug!


Robin March 27, 2014 at 12:56 pm

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. – Erma Bombeck

It seems you are in good company. Even Erma needed courage to be Erma. Have a great time. You are funny.

Please don’t fall down anymore. A concussion is serious. Glad you didn’t break your bum.


Dana Talusani March 27, 2014 at 4:30 pm


“Even Erma needed courage to be Erma.” I am tattooing that on my forehead. How are you so wise? And awesome.


Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes March 27, 2014 at 1:35 pm

Ouch, concussions are nasty shit. I hope you recover quickly! Also Mozzy will be fine in doggy day care. Give him a fresh pair of boxers to chew on and he will be delighted.


Arnebya March 28, 2014 at 6:31 am

I told you about LTYM. You will rock and learn tons at Erma (I get the attempts at funny coming off unfunny though).

I won’t ask my husband what he wants in return for anything either. Because midget pony threesome.


Tiffany March 30, 2014 at 6:28 am

I’m so sorry that all of that has happened… I’m the bright side I get to meet you when you’re in Dayton!!


Sherri March 30, 2014 at 12:54 pm

All interesting tidbits including the being concussed part. Best of luck on trip(s) and with all these interesting things coming up (yes – the plague has hit Pitt too – fear it is all over US).


Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri March 31, 2014 at 10:14 am

Oh, Kitch! I hope you are getting much needed relaxation in CA.
Congrats on the LTYM spot. You will rock it.
Rest. Heal. We will be here. xoxo


Pam April 1, 2014 at 12:05 pm

So sorry to hear about your concussion! But if you can make a post about a concussion funny, you have every right to be at the Erma Bombeck conference. (I’m jealous!) We’re so excited to have you on board for LTYM Boulder!!!


Velva April 3, 2014 at 6:08 pm

Some stuff happened but, heck you have a lot of great things going on! Excited for you!!



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