A New Wrinkle

August 25, 2015




The nurse at the OB-GYN’s office tsks over the phone; I can hear her shuffling papers.

“You realize that it’s been five years since you’ve been in.”

“Five?” I cringe a little. “Damn…I thought it was more like three?”

“No, five.” Her voice softens a little. “You know, it’s easy to let things slide when you have kids and you’re busy, but you really should take better care of yourself.”

“I know,” I grumble. “But hey! I got my boobs squished into pancakes this February, so I’m not a total delinquent!”

“Mmm-hmm,” she says. “But after five years away, we have to register you as a new patient. Can I send the paperwork in the mail?”

Paperwork, my fat fanny. I get a freaking Thesaurus in the mail.

When I come to the section where I cross off any symptoms I’m having that could be related to hormones, I realize I’d better sharpen my pencil.

Hot flashes?  +

Night sweats?  +

Trouble sleeping?  +

Anxiety?  +

Sadness/Depression?  +

Anger/Irritability?  +

Distractedness/ADD-like symptoms?  +

Hair loss?  +

Urgency and or frequency of urination?  +

And then a whole laundry list of other things, quite a bit less common, but could perhaps be related to menopause in some women:

Headaches?  +

Change in skin texture?  +

Blurred/fuzzy vision?  +

Tinnitus/ringing in the ears?  +

Vertigo?  +


Fuckity Fuck, people.

I mailed my Thesaurus back and a few weeks later, when I went to my appointment, my OB raised her eyebrow at me.

“Five years?” she said, suppressing a smirk.

“I know. I suck.”

“That IUD is on its last legs. Lucky you came in, but…” she scans the chart. “You’re having a lot of symptoms of peri-menopause.”

“Symptoms? Are you kidding? I am fucking CUJO. I’m shocked I don’t foam at the mouth. My family lives in fear.”

She laughed. “Let’s examine you and then get some blood. Maybe we can get some answers and you won’t have to suffer.”


Turns out, I do not have peri-menopause.

My numbers are kind of leaning towards the real menopause side of things, and since I’ve had my trusty little IUD in for 5 years, and (blissedly) not had a period for that amount of time, I don’t know when things started to go that direction.

“You are pretty young,” my OB said. “Normal onset is about 51 years of age. When did your mother go through it?”

“Cancer.” I replied. “They yanked out her plumbing before she was 40, so no idea.”


“We sort of never speak anymore. As in, fifteen years not speak.”

“Ah. A mystery then.”


The nurse felt really sorry for me.

“I know that’s hard to hear,” she said sympathetically, as we walked out of the examining room. “But they really have made some strides with hormone-replacement options…”

I laughed and laughed, which I think freaked her out a little, but I couldn’t help it.

“Robin,” I said, noting her name tag, “For two years, I’ve been thinking I’m going crazy. Stone-cold, batshit crazy. Maybe I still am, but once we get on a hormone program, we’ll be able to sift out the batshit crazy from the hormone crazy.”

She gave a nervous little smile. “Well, I’m glad you’re not upset.”

“Upset? Heck, if you’d told me everything was normal, then I’d have been upset. Because then I’d truly just be batshit.”

I’m pretty sure Robin will go out of her way to be busy the next few times I’m in the office.




You guys, I’m so special!

I always knew I was special.

Stay tuned.

Let the hormones be potent and swift.




{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Jennifer August 25, 2015 at 8:44 am

You ARE special. Sometimes I wonder if this is my problem since I had MY plumbing ripped out (by choice). That one, lone ovary may not be doing its job anymore. Just my luck that they left me with the lazy one.


Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri August 25, 2015 at 9:02 am

Hugs. That is all. xo


Lindsey August 25, 2015 at 10:53 am

Oh, no. I think I am right with you, btw … Vertigo yes, and crabby, yes. And only 41! UGH … xoxoxox


Kristin Shaw August 25, 2015 at 11:42 am

Ha! My mom was 46, and I’m now 44, so it won’t be long now. :)


Abbe @ This is How I Cook August 25, 2015 at 4:38 pm

Much better than 57. I feel like this will never end!


alexandra August 25, 2015 at 10:21 pm

My special snowflake.



Sherri August 26, 2015 at 9:40 am

OMG – I know – people go through it younger now, right? My mom claims she was nearly 60 (but I am adopted so have no marker for such things). I am around your age and my OB has been asking me about menopause since I was 42. I have no symptoms yet. Some of my friends have symptoms in their late 30s. Can we just chalk it up to women’s hormones are weird our entire lives – ?? Maybe -?? I mean, I know people who had symptoms that abruptly stopped then they had another baby – others who had symptoms for years off and on. Weird weird weird….. And we still have such young kids, right?


Tiffany August 26, 2015 at 2:38 pm

It’s sometimes nice to have an answer even if it’s not the one you wanted to hear. You are VERY special but not bc of early menopause!


ginger rogers August 26, 2015 at 2:46 pm

Dagnut- Well . . . At The Age Of 49, At Least Until The End Of NOV. I have had 3 plus years of horrible hot flashes. inability to sleep well, mood swings, depression anyiety nightmares and so far the Symptoms Make Me Almost Wish I STILL had my period ! ! join the family . .


Biz August 27, 2015 at 2:12 pm

If it makes you feel any better Dana I always thought you were special, but not short bus special!

Sucks, but this made me spit out my coffee: I got my boobs squished into pancakes this February!



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