Guest Post: Kitch Sucks at Romance

February 14, 2016

When Kitch and I first started dating, I should have known something was a little different about her from early-on. The signs were there. Her suggestion for our first date? A noisy, raucous sushi bar for dinner and The Talented Mr. Ripley afterwards. Nothing says “romance” like raw fish and a murderous Matt Damon, right? But it took oblivious me a long time to realize that I had, in essence, married the least romantic woman on the planet. Allow the prosecution to present the argument:
Evidence #1:
We got married in Maui and stayed an extra week for our honeymoon. One of the most romantic things to do, everyone told us, is to rent a jeep and make the scenic, winding drive through the hills to Hana. It’s a trip replete with breathtaking waterfalls, ponds, tropical flowers, and bamboo forests, with a quiet town and charming beach at the end. My new bride’s response to this idea: “Ugh! Why drive for hours just to get a beach, when we are right next to one? What’s romantic about planting your butt in a car? Plus, I hate sand anyway. I’d rather hang at the pool.”
Evidence #2:
Early in our marriage, one of our friends organized a group ballroom dance lesson. Something new to keep things fresh, I thought. I enjoyed it and envisioned future salsa, tango, or merengue lessons. Spanish dancing is “muy romantica,” but turns out, Kitch prefers watching over participating. Number of times we have danced since: zero…point…zero.
Evidence #3:
After ten years of scrounging and saving airline miles and hotel points, we were able to take a moderately luxurious 2 week trip to Italy (sans kids). Most tourists cannot wait to get out of bustling Florence and smog-choked Rome to spend a few days eating fabulous food, imbibing delicious wine and lounging in the tranquil Tuscan countryside. At least that’s what the travel and food channels encourage. Don’t all women love the movie “Under the Tuscan Sun?” So romantic! My wife: “Why would you waste time sitting around on some stupid country estate, getting fat, when there’s amazing art and architecture and history shit to see in the cities?” The upside: she hates shopping, which is a definite money-saver in Italy. Items she brought back from the trip: three boxes of imported pasta and a bottle of Limoncell0.
Evidence #4:
Normally we avoid restaurants on Valentine’s Day; the dinner always seems rushed, as it usually falls on a weeknight and restaurants are crowded. This year, though, Valentine’s day falls on a Sunday, so I casually suggested we make an exception this year and find a romantic lunch or dinner spot. Her response: “Are you mental? The food is always shitty, no matter where you go and I hate those “Prix fixe” menus. They’re so bossy, telling me what I can or can’t order. I don’t take orders from menus. No.”
Evidence #5:
At this time of year, flower advertisements increase exponentially. Whenever an ad comes on, her blood starts to boil. “Who gives roses on Valentine’s Day?” she scoffs. “They jack up the prices like, 600 percent. Schmucks, that’s who. Schmucks give roses.” Then she gives me the same warning she does every year: “If you buy me roses or chocolate or perfume for Valentine’s day, I will mess you up.”
These are just a few examples. I could go on and on, readers, but I think you have enough to find the defendant guilty.
In all seriousness, though, Kitch isn’t completely without sentiment. She may lack romance in the traditional sense, but she is thoughtful when giving gifts, she forgives my foibles, and she appreciates me every day. Plus, she likes football. What more could a guy ask for? I will remind myself of that, next time I hear her (adorably) yelling during a Broncos game, “What the Hell? Get him! Knock him on his ass! On his ass!” or “Run, MotherF***er, run!”
I love you, K-Dub. Happy Valentine’s Day!

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

ayala February 15, 2016 at 8:34 am

This is great……what more can you ask for than a woman that appreciates you every day :)


Barbara February 15, 2016 at 10:09 am

And here I thought she and I could be good buddies.
LOVED the drive to Hana…..and so worth it when you got there.
Love shopping, esp. for clothes.
Love Euro cities, but Monet’s house?? And the drive there? Divine. Plus, many weekends spent at French country houses…loved it.
I take Zumba three times a weeks just so I can dance.
But….I do love football. :)


Scott S. February 15, 2016 at 10:50 am

Sounds extremely familiar! My wife hates flowers, cards, and romantic gifts. Usually for Christmas she buys herself a handbag or something she wants then tells me I can buy myself something of comparable value. For Valentine’s yesterday, I gave her a funny card and a little with kitties on the cover I knew she’d like. She had nothing for me until later in the day when she quickly scribbled a handwritten note on a folded piece of paper. “It’s a handmade card,” she explained. In conclusion, men are the true romantics!
P.S. You totally missed paradise by skipping the Hana highway — absolutely gorgeous views and experiences!


Lisa @ The Meaning of Me February 15, 2016 at 11:45 am

Hilarious. And so freaking cute!


Papa Guy February 15, 2016 at 9:50 pm

Very endearing story….continue on


Sherri February 16, 2016 at 10:07 am

Love this :).


Tiffany February 19, 2016 at 2:23 pm

I love you two.


Leave a Comment

Previous post:

Next post: