Glimpses of Grace

May 4, 2016

Someone told me once that the most important thing to remember about the grieving process is that in order to heal, you have to be willing to sit with the sadness.  You have to do the very thing that’s hardest to do: slow down, get quiet within yourself, and allow sadness to sit with you awhile.

Sounds like really wise and sage advice, doesn’t it?

There’s just one leeetle problem with that advice, though and it’s this: Right now, that sounds like a pretty icky way to spend my time.

I don’t want to sit with my sadness. My sadness is a piss-poor companion and right now, I don’t want to even have a cup of tea with it, let alone sit with it. So that’s where we’re at. Teatime with sadness. No sitting.

I’m trying to be gentle with myself and tell myself that’s okay.


These first few weeks, I’ve gotten through my days by focusing on the most basic of tasks, and even those seem monumental at times. Breathing. Walking. Resting. Tending to the needs of animals and small human beings who need you. The days feel endless and the clock ticks slowly and I feel heavy and clumsy in my body and I think, “Jesus. Has it it really only been a couple of weeks?”

It hasn’t been all bad, though.

Most of it’s been bad–as in crush-me-with-a-fucking-anvil bad–but not all of it.

There have been moments, little snatches, small blinks of light where grace and beauty flash through. They burst through and startle me. They warm my bones and I can feel my heart beat again, and I’m reminded that I can’t close off, because it’s these glimpses of grace that heal.

Stay open, I remind myself. Good things will find you if you let them.




Readers, I’ll be gone for a few days. This past September, my husband bought me a whopper of a gift for our wedding anniversary: tickets to the Kentucky Derby, an event that’s always been on my “bucket list.”  We leave for the Bluegrass State tomorrow, which is absolutely the biggest gift of timing ever, because I don’t want to even think about Mother’s Day this year.  Of course, Mother’s Day cannot be avoided and it will come with a vengeance and mess mightily with my head and my heart, but I won’t have to sit with my sadness the entire weekend. Part of this weekend will be spent donning a silly hat and sipping icy juleps and getting lost in the beauty of animals built for speed. I’m so grateful for the distraction.



Thanks for being here, and for all of the grace you’ve shown me.

{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }

julie gardner May 4, 2016 at 11:43 am

This is so beautiful and true. Teatime with sadness.
Then a mint julep.
And in between, bursts of grace.

Loving thoughts are with you every step of the way.


Cathy May 4, 2016 at 1:15 pm

Glad to hear you are getting away. Just don’t drink too much or you might lose that self-control you don’t realize you are possessing keeping your shit together these days. There was more than one time I was caught off-guard after tipping a few…

I want a hat picture!!!

And, why can I not see any of your comment on your blog. It says they’re there, but nothing to click – only to add one.


Dana Talusani May 4, 2016 at 3:16 pm


My comments have been broken for a while now. I can see them but nobody else can. Making me nuts!


Biz May 4, 2016 at 3:04 pm

This will be the perfect distraction – happy anniversary! Have a couple drinks for me :D


Arnebya May 4, 2016 at 3:06 pm

Still thinking of you, glad you’re getting away. You better show pictures of a bad ass derby hat.


Annie May 4, 2016 at 3:39 pm

My grandfather always said “get busy elsewhere” when faced with emotional or life challenges of any sort. It’s kind of the opposite of the above advice but I’ve found it always to work well for me. I don’t do sitting well, ever.
Glad you are able to get busy having fun at the Derby this weekend. Drink a julep for me and please take a picture of the hat!! Xoxo


elizabeth May 4, 2016 at 7:10 pm

I’m so, so glad for you that you have this getaway to help take your mind off of things for a little while. I was ostensibly laid off twice mere weeks before two big trips we had (the first one being our honeymoon, the second was right before our most recent trip to Spain even though that layoff was reversed in the end) and honestly, it was a little easier to immerse myself in the experience because I needed that escape. Drink it all in and make sure to write it down, because you know your mom would have wanted to get every detail and we do too.

I completely understand the idea of needing to sit with your grief but not wanting to be alone with it and I’ll be emailing you more on that topic very soon.


Denise Haverhoek May 5, 2016 at 7:27 am

Enjoy. In your sadness have a good time. Wear that fancy hat. Drink those Juleps. Hugs Denise


Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri May 5, 2016 at 9:50 am

Be gentle with yourself, Kitch. Enjoy the Kentucky Derby. xo


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