If Honesty is Freedom, Do I Want It?

June 2, 2019

I am honest about my shit. I’m finding it tempting to lie, even now, when it’s too late.

My proverbial and never ending garbage makes me feel dirty; it always has. But I feel even filthier trying to hide.

My shit belongs to me, and when I admit it, admit to every neurotic, anxiety-filled moment–I’m marked. Some people call that bravery. Some people call that “Don’t give a Fuck-ery.” Some people call that “Don’t pick up my kid from school because you are nutjob unstable.” It happens.

I have to be okay with that.

If you expose the clackity bones–the tar underneath the feathers–you asked for it. Didn’t you?

You didn’t need to go there. You clean up pretty good. You could have swept it all away, no one the wiser.

You didn’t though, and here comes the sting. Even though I understand it, it bites.

You think the truth will set you free but you’ll be surprised. Opening your life for all to see does NOT come easily and it does not come without regret.


You should hear the things they say.

There are plenty of other things said–lovely and supportive things–but underneath everything there is a rumble and you are not sure if it’s you or if it’s them or if it’s everyone. You know it is there. A fast subway underneath your feet.



So I guess, if you aren’t sure where on Earth to go, you tag along with your daughters and your husband and you drive, drive, drive. Through forests and over bridges, through rain and unexpected blinding sunshine. You watch as your daughter sticks close to you at the beginning of the college tour. You watch at the end of it, when she’s forged ahead on her own.

You worry. Not about her future but about the legacy she’s been given, because she is old enough to understand things now. She knows why sometimes you are gone for weeks and then asks, “Does this mean M. and I are going to get this, too?”

How do you answer? In this, I am never tempted to lie. The answer is: I don’t know. It’s a truth that I almost choke on, but it’s mine.

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

Kel June 3, 2019 at 4:47 am

I think the freedom comes in the fact that you don’t have to remember what lie you told to which person, you don’t have to make that huge effort of pretense. If you’re not ok, pretending you are can be overwhelming.

And you’re right. People are judgmental assholes. For me, I think I just became too exhausted with the mask I was wearing. It might have been pretty on the outside, but it was heavy, sweaty, smelly, and kinda gross on the inside of it. Easier to take it off and breathe freely.

The people around you will make their choices. Some will leave you because they prefer the mask. Others, the ones who matter, will take your hand and walk with you. I gave up my mask several years ago and never looked back. To this day, I continue to lose people here and there when they discover the “real” me. Yup, this is who I am, fuckedupedness and all. Don’t like it? There’s the door.

But I’ve also found people who are really cool, supportive, open, and honest. Those are the ones to seek. That honesty is really hard. But I promise you, it’s worth it for the people who remain.


elizabeth June 3, 2019 at 5:48 pm

This has given me ALL THE FEELS and I sent you a note to tell you that. Oof.


ayala June 4, 2019 at 5:45 am

It is a new path and it’s yours to travel. There will be changes and you will transform as well. Hugs to you my friend. You got this!


jacquie June 4, 2019 at 9:43 am

I think it does take courage to talk about it. A lot. And no it doesn’t set you free necessarily but it is your truth and your life and you have the right to that and to live it. I hope for you there is some kind of peace in knowing you are living your truth. I also think your speaking it gives voice to what others experience and does inspire them to keep living with and finding ways for dealing with their pain and truths. Thank you for that.

Please take care of yourself and know that there are others out here who share similar pains and struggles. you are not alone.

wishing you love and light as you continue down your path.


Jana Llewellyn June 7, 2019 at 9:28 am

Wow. You. Are. Beautiful. Don’t forget it.


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