Lose Yourself

September 5, 2019

Sometimes, if you can’t live with yourself, you might as well run like Hell. It’s funny; I thought I’d like myself more as I got older but turns out, I still feel like my skin doesn’t fit and my head is too noisy with ruthless bullshit. Frankly, I thought I’d do better.

It’s what keeps you going, right? The belief that things will get better. That you’ll be better, that you’ll give as good as you get and then some. You’ve spent all this time wading through the muck and it’s going to pay off in the end because it HAS to. It’s gotta be written somewhere, that life can only throw so many saw-toothed boomerangs at your head.

But it doesn’t work that way and despite your most fervent of hopes, life doesn’t owe you mercy.

It does not, in fact, owe you anything.

 

So you might as well say fuck it and run.

 

By some stroke of fortune, you might even have someone to say fuck it with you because is there really anything more important, when it all boils down, than someone who will grab your hand and let you lean into them for a while? To let you lose yourself because being yourself really isn’t fun right now and it actually feels dangerous to stay there?

 

I have two weeks to remember how to feel and how to breathe and discover what is salvageable in this junk heap of a head. I have a plane ticket and a hand to hold and things to see, eat, discover and experience that are totally new. Things that I’m hoping will shake my tree enough to believe that it’s all worth it.

It has to be.

I’ll let you know.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Papa Guy September 19, 2019 at 8:50 pm

Well, was it worth it? Are you better now? I have a shellfish motive. I miss your words.

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