Dear October,
Dude, what is your deal? Usually we have such a great time together. Long walks under leafy kaleidoscopes, cool nights near crackling fires, festive birthday dinners with people we love, giggle-filled trips to the pumpkin patch…
Well, okay, the pumpkin patch still happened (although why’d you kick up that asthma-inducing dust at the end?) but for the most part, October, you’ve been up to some Karmic Assholery.
A few cases in point:
~One, if not both, of my girls has been sick for the entirety of this long-ass month. What is it with this croupy, snotty, hacking nonsense? Must they keep passing it back and forth, like some viral boomerang?
~All of my grand plans for fall family photos? Dashed. Miss. M., unable to breathe (see above) has decided to awaken at 5am for weeks on end; we’re calling her The Rooster. The Rooster is so tired and germy that by noon, she’s got bags under her eyes like Al Capone. Miss D. grew the enormous incisors from Hell and resembles a feral rabbit. And I, lucky girl that I am, got the chin zit that will not die. We’re a motley-looking bunch–there will be no October close ups.
~A hormonal influx in the third grade? Geddheckouttahere! D.’s got more highs and lows than the Matterhorn. Last week she cried because *everyone* has a dog except her, she doesn’t own red shoes and she’s out of mechanical pencils. I totally don’t have the constitution for this. She also got so mad at her math homework that she kicked a door. And then cried because her foot hurt. Sigh.
~The voles have returned. Come on! Didn’t they learn from the pretty little kill boxes I put outside this past spring? We are not a vole-friendly establishment. Go eat someone else’s lawn!
~Okay, that crater I’ve got across my forehead? That is insult enough. But then, when I finally get motivated to Botox it, and lurch out of the doctor’s office, puffy and discolored, who do I see in the waiting room? The neighbor who thoroughly dislikes me. Awesome. Thanks for that.
~The topper to this month was this past week. Croup and poops and barfs. Tally of sheets, pillows, towels, stuffed animals washed? Miss M: 8. Miss D: 3. Mommy:2. And don’t even get me started on the underwear total…
So Suck It, October.
SuckSuckSuckitySuckit.
!!! In honor of my being done with you, October, I am pleased to announce that Bruce, of Privilege of Parenting, is taking the reins on Wednesday. Readers, if you haven’t met Bruce or visited his blog before, you’re in for a treat. He blogs about all things family, philosophical, psychological, and cultural to name a few. But just for you, readers, he’ll be relating an epic tussle he once had with a Duck a’la Orange. You don’t want to miss it!
Please don’t forget that I’m at From the Monkey Bars today, wishing my Daddy-O a Happy Birthday. I’d love it if you’d swing by!
{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
Seriously. This month – when will it end? I feel for you because of my own, similar misery.
xo
You have neighbors that don’t like you? WTH is wrong with them?!
snort, giggle, choke…tee hee!!! Hope November treats you and your minxes better ;) Thanks for the morning laugh!!!!
You have had a sucky October. I’m looking forward to November but probably not as much as you. Here’s to better days, fewer germs, and less laundry!
This was hilarious! “Karmic assholery,” “Croups and poops,” “SuckitySuckit.” Oh. My. Word! So very happy to read this today, but sad that it documents your pain. Bite me, October!
I’m with you. And that’s really shocking and not like me… I love October. But I’m ready to move on and leave this one behind. Sick kids, crazy inlaw crap, birthdays that just were… yeah. Bring on November :)
the good news is that there’s only 6 days left, and nowhere to go but up.
Ugh. Aside from the sickness and extra laundry and feeling like crap and now, today, SNOW!, I’ve been really enjoying this October. What?!
Bring on November!! Our October hasn’t been so bad, but I could do without the non-stop 80 degree days. How am I supposed to eat chili while wearing shorts??? It’s just not right.
I hate washing pooped/puked-on sheets. Is there anything more disgusting??
And I just want my AC bill to go down finally. We’re still cranking it up to battle this heat and humidity. If not for the pumpkins, I’d think it was July.
The family photo part? Epic!! Off to read about your wonderful Dad…
Oh man, I’m sorry you’re having such a craptastic month. Don’t worry, November is bound to be better. It’s just bound to be! . . . right? =)
I think we’ve been sick since LAST November. Ugh.
Give us a break, October! (Or, free us from misery November!)
“by noon, she’s got bags under her eyes like Al Capone. Miss D. grew the enormous incisors from Hell and resembles a feral rabbit. And I, lucky girl that I am, got the chin zit that will not die. We’re a motley-looking bunch” ~Sound like you have the Halloween disguises set!
Seriously, I’m sending good health wishes your way! I had the chicken pox when I was 6 for Halloween. It is a nightmare I will never forget. No kid (or mom) should have to miss Halloween!
Ha! Thanks for the Monday laughs! Hope your girls feel better soon!
Kitch, how could anyone not like you?!
(I’m dying to hear how the botox turned out? do you love the younger-looking you?)
Hope November brings something better!
It finally kicked in after about a week; I must say, the crater is gone. And I look less tired; it ameliorates the Ten Dollar Hooker look I’m usually rockin’ in the morning.
Oh dear! I hope things are much better in November. You can tell that neighbor to suck it.
I truly believe kvetching helps. Here’s hoping The Universe soaked up some of your woes!
My secret weapon for weightloss after 40: emetophobia. Yes, fear of vomiting. Any suggestion that such an episode may be in the offing stops me cold in my mouth-shoveling tracks. So, um . . . special thanks for *this* story. (Maybe I’ll eventally reach that size 2 you occasionally wistfully extol–although despite the phobia, there appears to be no immediate danger of that.) And yet, there’s nothing quite like a phobia to awaken profound empathy. Although somewhat distracted by my issue, I am deeply aware that this post isn’t about ME. I’m sending virtual hugs and lots of hope for many future puke-free/easy-breathing-filled months for you all. Truly.
(Have you tried feeding your kiddos those probiotic Dannon yogurt drinks? I have it on good authority that most of our immune system resides in our guts so the healthier the gut is, the better.)
Blech! I would like a week without a doctor or dentist visit. I would also like to kill strep, my darling friend who has mowed down all my family. I am the last man standing. And I’m scared.
Oh, girl, I’m sorry October has not been serving you up something better. I hope this last week of the month goes out with a good kind of bang.
xo
At least November will be here in a week. Hope everyone feels better soon and the laundry load lessens.
I have a good girlfriend who got her first period in the third grade and I shudder every time I think of it.
I swear all we do here is swap stomach flus, sinus infections and endless coughs back and forth, back and forth. As for October? It’s been 75 in these parts….where is my fabulous fall weather??
Meanwhile, we’re in Week #2 of rain. Which is fine, if you live in SEATTLE. But since I live in The OC, I ask, what up, Sucktober?
The worst was one night Hannah threw up or shit on 3 sets of sheets in one night – and I only had three sets of sheets :(
Tell your Dad, even though he’s a Cubs fan, Happy Birthday!
Nine year old change–happens around 3rd/4th grade you get a glimpse of what your teen years will be like. Oh, I guess that was not helpful. . .
October did one thing right, it SAVED you from a family photo. Nothing on earth is more stressful than a family photo….Nothing. Unless you are the Waltons…of-course.
A final note from Erma Bombeck, “The autumn leaves are a lot like raising kids. First they turn on you, and then they fly away. And next thing you know, you look out the window and they’re back!”
Take heart, just a few more days until the start of a new fresh month!
My kids keep passing theirs back and forth and around, too. I think we’re on round 220 or something close. I love October, but I’m ready for the sickness to end.
Cheryl, you said it: Sucktober. I love it.
KLZ: My sister got her period in 4th. I am seriously afraid.
Katybeth: Erma is my hero. I love(d) that woman.
Stephane: my little ones only eat the day-glo Gogurt. But I did buy (how sad is THIS?) gummy probiotics today. Seven kinds of wrong, and yet…
Wow Kitch. It sure has been rough for you. Really stops me from complaining about my dryer and rice cooker breaking in the same week!
My October has sucked donkey dicks so far too.
Remember, third grade is the new six grade.
:( I am so sorry your October has not been pleasant! We’ve been pretty lucky so far with having lousy weather during the week and good weather on the weekends, and my one low point was having to drive the car to New York so we could go to a wedding this past weekend. Seriously, nothing strikes terror in me more than the prospect of having to drive long distances anywhere, much less through CT, Westchester County, the Bronx and freaking Manhattan around rush hour.
I hope the rest of the month treats you better!
Oh, Kitch, that SUCKS!!!!! All of it.
But as for the hormonal 3rd grade thing? Yeeeaaaahh. It only gets worse from here. Care to share a bottle of wine with me and commiserate?
Seriously… November better kick ass!
Haha Well at least October is almost over! Eat lots of cookies and drink a few glasses of wine to get you through the rest of the week.. and here’s to November being much much better!
Oh Kitch! We haven’t even made it to the pumpkin patch this year…This month is totally sucking, except for Matt’s tenth birthday tomorrow…When will it end, and more importantly, will we survive?
((you))
So sorry… October has been kinda sucky down here in Miami too. My girls (2 1/2 and 1 1/2) have been PMSing all month long. Massive toddler meltdowns… I understand… my “little alarm clocks” go off every morning at about 5 (the little one is teething and wakes up the oldest). “Mommy where are you… Mommy I no go nite-nite…Mommy I play” Hope November is better!
Are voles like moles? If so, I can relate to that problem. Plays havoc with your yard.
Paula,
Voles look like black mice. EWWWWWWWWWWWWW.
Yikes! Sounds like quite the October! At least it is almost over. Hopefully November will bring you and the family good health and make up for the loss of this month. I hate it when that happens. Last summer, we basically didn’t get to do anything because my husband was undergoing treatments. No fun at all. :(
You say you are NOT a vole-friendly establishment…hmmm…does the bureau for Vole Friendliness know about this? I’m pretty sure it’s a violation of vole civil rights.
As for your kidlets being sick, ya, I feel more sorry for you than for them. Chin up, November will soon be here and we’ll be able to dig through our children’s candy as payment for all the shit we put up with.
Aw…October is my birthday month, so I kinda like it…I’m sorry it’s been sucktober for you! It’s not entirely over yet though…hopefully things will turn up!
p.s. I’m sorry, but you’re hilarious and I kinda had to chuckle my way through your distress!
This month has been a kicker for me too…I’m so sorry about your misfortunes (although they did make me smile…you are so funny!) I hope everyone in your house starts feeling better because there is nothing worse than a sick house. Thanks for sharing. Here’s to an amazing November!
Yikes! It’s been a pretty good month for me. I didn’t realize you were taking it for the team. Not to worry–my computer isn’t working and the dog’s ear is infected. My turn.
Hey KW, thanks for the kind words, and I send good wishes for better times ahead. So, here’s to a better November. As for October, as they say, “In like a vole… out like a vole.”
ohmyfreakinggoodness that was hilarious! you *definitely* told october! :) i hope novemeber’s looking WAY better! :)
That is some serious assholery, Kitch. Definitely time for a new month. Should we try bribery? Is there a November god we can make sacrifices to? Because I am all about making the remainder of 2010 better than what’s gone before.
Nobody ever said daughters were a million laughs. And it gets worse. Be prepared.
What will be your salvation is your sense of humor…keep it going!
This is me giving October the finger… Usually, it’s my favorite month also. Not sure what’s happening, but it’s a bummer. I really hope the girls get better soon. As for that third grade hormal trainwreck thing, it’s happening here too. What the hell?!? I told my husband I don’t think I’ll make it through this junk.
Now I know why I was hoping for a boy…! I’m sorry that your October has been so rough. No fun all around with those shenanigans going on. Hopefully November will bring a relief and hold off on the snow!