Duck You, Sucker! Guest Post

October 26, 2010

Greetings, readers! I have a double treat for you today! Guest posting in this space today is Bruce, from Privilege of Parenting, sharing a gory little tale with you–perfect for Halloween, wouldn’t you say? Also, guest posting in EAT at From the Monkey Bars is Rebecca,  writing all the way from Tanzania! Please give both of these wonderful people a warm welcome and enjoy!


Duck you Sucker (a.k.a.  “Getting Hurt in the Kitchen”)

While I typically blog about parenting, when The Kitchen Witch (who I so admire at so many levels, from her spirit as a teacher and mom, her culinary insights and encouragements and her storytelling both pithy and rife with pathos) invited me to do a guest post the first thing that came to mind was a story from my pre-parenting days:  a kitchen catastrophe…

It was Christmas Eve and I was in from college.  My mother shares a birthday with Jesus and so I had a vision in my head of an elegant dinner served up with Hollywood conviviality and elegance (my mom being a dreadful cook but a great fan of good food).

Back from the market with bags brimming with supplies, my dad is at work, my mom and brother are out and I have four hours to do some magic in mother’s kitchen.

The dish at hand:  Duck a l’Orange.

The problem:  my mother’s kitchen is a terrain of particularly mixed culinary feelings, of meals so bad they had to be tossed, a place where neuroses were always simmering and the best thing my mom could make for dinner was a reservation.  Sure my mom and dad had gone to college, but could I be the first one in the family to master the art of preparing a truly excellent meal?

Items of specific concern:  dull knives, also electric stove circa 1956 and the lack of a decent saucepan in the whole place.

Step one:  do something with the ducks involving cutting (I’ve forgotten the details now in the haze of traumatic memory).

Next thing I know I’ve sliced a poor excuse for a knife into my thumb.  Not really a big deal, nothing severed, but there is a bit of blood on the counter and, a bit on the floor.  Nothing to stop intrepid, blood spouting, Julia Child… thus nothing to stop this child of limited chefs either.

Casually I head to my childhood bathroom to wash the cut and put on a band-aid.  I gaze placidly into the cut, deeper than I had thought, quite a bit deeper actually and… next thing I know I’m waking up on the bathroom floor, grey tiles swirling around me and my head throbbing in agony.

Not quite realizing that I have fainted and bashed my head, I assume, for some strange reason, that my dizziness and head pain must be the result of poultry germs having directly entered my blood stream.

I stumble to the phone and call 911, desperately telling the operator that I have poultry germs in my blood… she’s asking me questions when I pass out again, unaware that I’m concussed and sure that I’m now on the verge of death.

I awake to faint knocking and stagger to the front door, open it to see paramedics and faint dead away again in the front hallway.  They examine my cut thumb with something between contempt and absolute disbelief that I’ve called 911 for this.  But when they check my vitals my heart is thready and thin; they see I’m in shock and my blood pressure is so low that the next thing I know I’m actually in the ambulance.

Cut to:  My mother coming home to see raw duck splayed out on the counter and the big dull bloody chef’s knife silently screaming the news of her son’s mysterious and complete absence.  Blood on the counter and floor, and yours truly vanished without a trace.

In the ER the diagnosis was not, in fact, sudden onset toxic poultry syndrome—it was a cut finger with nary a single face-saving stitch to repair, just a pathetic standard issue band-aid.

My brother, also in from college picked me up and we were laughing our heads off before we were halfway home from the hospital at my capacity for neurotic panic (Could there be a place for psychotherapy in my future?  Is it better to give than to receive when it comes to help for neuroses?).

Alas, what I ended up making for my mom’s birthday dinner was… a reservation—a chip off the old block (although these decades later I’ve learned to roast a chicken and meanwhile my brother has become truly an excellent chef).

The duck debacle soon, of course, became my mother’s story, because of the horror she had endured—but it’s not narcissism if it’s Christmas and your birthday, right?

I am left with a bad association to blood oranges as well as raw duck and dull knives, the faintest of scars on my right thumb (in complement to another tooth-inflicted scar I picked up on that same thumb, but that’s another story having to do with a more recent Christmas and a bulldog named Bogie), and, finally, I’m left with a neurotic tale of why I’ve yet to attempt Duck a l’Orange and, perhaps, a key clue as to why Jews eat Chinese food on Christmas.

Namaste, Bruce

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