Greetings, readers! I have a double treat for you today! Guest posting in this space today is Bruce, from Privilege of Parenting, sharing a gory little tale with you–perfect for Halloween, wouldn’t you say? Also, guest posting in EAT at From the Monkey Bars is Rebecca, writing all the way from Tanzania! Please give both of these wonderful people a warm welcome and enjoy!
~TKW
Duck you Sucker (a.k.a. “Getting Hurt in the Kitchen”)
While I typically blog about parenting, when The Kitchen Witch (who I so admire at so many levels, from her spirit as a teacher and mom, her culinary insights and encouragements and her storytelling both pithy and rife with pathos) invited me to do a guest post the first thing that came to mind was a story from my pre-parenting days: a kitchen catastrophe…
It was Christmas Eve and I was in from college. My mother shares a birthday with Jesus and so I had a vision in my head of an elegant dinner served up with Hollywood conviviality and elegance (my mom being a dreadful cook but a great fan of good food).
Back from the market with bags brimming with supplies, my dad is at work, my mom and brother are out and I have four hours to do some magic in mother’s kitchen.
The dish at hand: Duck a l’Orange.
The problem: my mother’s kitchen is a terrain of particularly mixed culinary feelings, of meals so bad they had to be tossed, a place where neuroses were always simmering and the best thing my mom could make for dinner was a reservation. Sure my mom and dad had gone to college, but could I be the first one in the family to master the art of preparing a truly excellent meal?
Items of specific concern: dull knives, also electric stove circa 1956 and the lack of a decent saucepan in the whole place.
Step one: do something with the ducks involving cutting (I’ve forgotten the details now in the haze of traumatic memory).
Next thing I know I’ve sliced a poor excuse for a knife into my thumb. Not really a big deal, nothing severed, but there is a bit of blood on the counter and, a bit on the floor. Nothing to stop intrepid, blood spouting, Julia Child… thus nothing to stop this child of limited chefs either.
Casually I head to my childhood bathroom to wash the cut and put on a band-aid. I gaze placidly into the cut, deeper than I had thought, quite a bit deeper actually and… next thing I know I’m waking up on the bathroom floor, grey tiles swirling around me and my head throbbing in agony.
Not quite realizing that I have fainted and bashed my head, I assume, for some strange reason, that my dizziness and head pain must be the result of poultry germs having directly entered my blood stream.
I stumble to the phone and call 911, desperately telling the operator that I have poultry germs in my blood… she’s asking me questions when I pass out again, unaware that I’m concussed and sure that I’m now on the verge of death.
I awake to faint knocking and stagger to the front door, open it to see paramedics and faint dead away again in the front hallway. They examine my cut thumb with something between contempt and absolute disbelief that I’ve called 911 for this. But when they check my vitals my heart is thready and thin; they see I’m in shock and my blood pressure is so low that the next thing I know I’m actually in the ambulance.
Cut to: My mother coming home to see raw duck splayed out on the counter and the big dull bloody chef’s knife silently screaming the news of her son’s mysterious and complete absence. Blood on the counter and floor, and yours truly vanished without a trace.
In the ER the diagnosis was not, in fact, sudden onset toxic poultry syndrome—it was a cut finger with nary a single face-saving stitch to repair, just a pathetic standard issue band-aid.
My brother, also in from college picked me up and we were laughing our heads off before we were halfway home from the hospital at my capacity for neurotic panic (Could there be a place for psychotherapy in my future? Is it better to give than to receive when it comes to help for neuroses?).
Alas, what I ended up making for my mom’s birthday dinner was… a reservation—a chip off the old block (although these decades later I’ve learned to roast a chicken and meanwhile my brother has become truly an excellent chef).
The duck debacle soon, of course, became my mother’s story, because of the horror she had endured—but it’s not narcissism if it’s Christmas and your birthday, right?
I am left with a bad association to blood oranges as well as raw duck and dull knives, the faintest of scars on my right thumb (in complement to another tooth-inflicted scar I picked up on that same thumb, but that’s another story having to do with a more recent Christmas and a bulldog named Bogie), and, finally, I’m left with a neurotic tale of why I’ve yet to attempt Duck a l’Orange and, perhaps, a key clue as to why Jews eat Chinese food on Christmas.
Namaste, Bruce
{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }
Great story! Would’ve been nice if they could have AT LEAST wrapped your thumb in gauze and tape to make it look dramatic and remind your mom of your good intentions.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Imagine how boring the story would be if your Duck a l’Orange had actually turned out magically well…good stuff. I can always count on a morning laugh (or alternately cry) when I visit TKW’s place…thanks for not disappointing :D
Great story Bruce! you had me laughing already this morning thanks! The Duck can be a challenge I think that everybody is happy that you tired it early on!
Fun story. Duck is one of those things I don’t ever want to cook with… duck and veal. The vegetarian that still hides inside of me struggles enough with chickens and cows! ;) My husband was a meat cutter for 13 years… his parents owned a meat market for 40. So his experience ensures that we ALWAYS have sharp knives in our kitchen. It’s great!
Bruce, great to meet you. You may not have given your mom a gourmet meal for her birthday but you gave her a story that probably gets better every time she tells it!
Bruce, this is hysterical! What a great way to start my day. This could be a sit-com episode!
This just confirms what I already knew: duck is evil. My one attempt at cooking a duck didn’t end in an ambulance ride, but it was still a holiday we won’t forget for its awfulness :p
What a great story and I like how you tell it Bruce! Good to meet you and your writing.
This story is why my husband is slowly refitting my in-law’s kitchen with proper tools (and also why he brings his own knives when we stay there for Thanksgiving). It’s also an excellent PSA to buy a honer!
Oh, this totally made my morning. I can only imagine what those EMTs were thinking. :) Glad to hear you went on to cook anyway. :)
This reminds me of the day I came home to find bloody tools in the garage and a missing husband. I had to track him down at the emergency room.
Hilarious story! You made me laugh out loud over here . . . I love the part where you were afraid the poultry germs had directly entered your blood stream. Oh my! *cackling some more*
That was hilarious to the max.
Hilarious! I bet those EMTs also had a story to tell..
Bruce,
We had a dental issue in our house, so I wasn’t able to tweet this as much as I want, but I will do right by you tomorrow–a story this good HAS to be shared! xo
“A dental issue;” sounds ominous!
I loved this! My mother was and is a terrible cook. Meals were endured not enjoyed. So I totally understand you wanting to create something special for her and for yourself to avoid the culinary catastrophe of your Mom!
That is hilarious!! I even told my husband who also had a good laugh. Poultry poisoning…awesome.
What a wonderful story! You are right, it is not narcissism if it’s your birthday, on Christmas AND you come home to find a bloody counter and a missing son! Thank you for sharing!
I am smiling! Laughing too ( for the right reasons) This was a great guest post.
I’m so glad you’re ok because I was crying I was laughing so hard! This story is certainly one to be told at ALL family events for generations to come! Awesome story – thanks for sharing!
We have stories like that in our family. My Great Grandfather played football for UK in 1896, but dropped out of med school because he fainted at the sight of blood. My uncle passes out all the time whether he’s bleeding or someone else. My son has done this 3 times (5th grade, 7th grade and age 22). Supposedly, its a vasovagal thing.
What a great family Christmas story! We enjoy our blood and guts stories, too – and they go with any major and minor holiday! LOL
Just getting to all these wonderful, and much appreciated comments, late after a long workday, so big smiles and gratitude to all who read and fur such kind words. And most of all thanks to Dana for inviting me—hope you’ll all be seeing her over at Privilege of Parenting soon (not that she has much time to spare these days).
Namaste all around, Bruce
Love the poultry germs in your bloodstream! And the paramedics reaction to your call! Of course it’s a favorite story to be recounted – blood and intrigue are fascinating!
Hilarious story, hilariously told!
You dredged up a memory of an incident in my own parent’s house involving an unauthorized–perhaps not entirely legal–activity. And scissors. Blood spewed everywhere, creating PUDDLES of horror and implying an act of great graphic violence. As with your experience, the paramedics were called, only to arrive to bear witness to a barely seeping paper cut. Snickers. Eye rolls. “But let me show you how much blood there was!” Humiliatingly, an erstwhile friend had already washed the rinsed and flushed the proof down the drain. (Too late: the following day, I discovered the backside of a door still bore spattered evidence of the truth of my experience.)
Just the phrase “poultry germs” makes me giggle. So much awesomeness.
Dull knives! Bane of my cooking experience. I’ve got a cleaver I refrain from using for fear of doing just this sort of damage (or worse) to myself. Have yet to find a knife sharpener that actually works …
You’ve made it a grand Christmas for many an EMT. Good for you for laughing at yourself.
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