Hello, my delightful readers! Do you have your Christmas shopping done yet? Are those holiday cards in the mail? Have you put out the life-sized Nativity scene, complete with strobe lights and piped-in stereo, on the front lawn?
As ludicrous as that last one sounds, we once had a neighbor who did that exact thing. This neighbor was obviously deaf, too, because that music was cranked. Dude also was a night owl, so we were treated to mind-blasting renditions of Jingle Bell Rock until 11pm. I am sooo glad we moved.
While I’m lucky enough not to have my sleep interrupted by disco lights and carols, I did have Hella Rotten time getting to sleep the other night. Actually, I’ll amend that. I got to sleep fine; however, my bladder has become cranky and high-maintenance, so I had to, well, you know.
And then it began. Mindworm. Mindworm is a lot like Earworm, and just as annoying. You know about Earworm, right? That phenomenon when you get a song (usually a sucktastic one) deeply entrenched in your head and can’t get it out, no matter what you do? It’s maddening. A few weeks ago, hubs got Elton John’s Rocket Man stuck in his head for three days straight. He was impossible to live with.
Anyways, Mindworm is sort of the same thing–your brain wanders up, down and everywhere and you cannot turn it off. This usually happens to me in the middle of the night. Sometimes, I have one or two things that I worry about or mull over continually, or sometimes–like the other night–my mind flits, like an overactive mosquito, from one dumbass thing to another.
When that happens, I have to have a little conversation with my brain. It goes something like this:
Me: Yo, brain. F%$k off and shut up already.
Me: If you don’t let me sleep, I won’t be able to function in the morning–or for the entire day, for that matter.
Brain: Umm, last I checked, you wipe butts and do laundry all day. You ain’t curing cancer. You’ll function just fine. You’ll be a rabid wolverine by 4pm, but you’ll function.
For your holiday amusement, I’ll share some of the choice items from my Mindworm session the other night. Might as well. Because after being up most of the night, it’s all I’m really capable of doing right now. Stupid, mutinous brain.
~What am I going to wear to the party–ugh, the party!–this weekend? Can I get away with dark jeans? Wait, do I own dark jeans?
~What size am I, anyways? All I wear are yoga pants from Target.
~Items to Purchase for D.’s Science Project on Saturn: Helium Balloon, Cardboard, Coat Hanger, Corks, Sequins, Hot Glue Gun.
~Oh my God! I’m turning into a lady who owns a hot glue gun and wears nothing but yoga pants from Target!
~Am I too hard on myself or am I not hard enough? I’m over 40–shouldn’t I have that one figured out by now?
~Item I never thought I’d need but recently found out that I do: Electric Nose-Hair Clippers. Shoot me now.
~When I tell my kids, “Not now, Mommy’s working,” do they believe me? Do *I* believe me?
~Grandmagotrunoverbyareindeer…noooooooo. Stop that right now.
~Presents purchased so far for Miss D: 4. Presents so far for Miss M:1. Crap.
~To Google: Educational holiday gifts for 5-year olds.
~Will my kids hate me because I give them educational gifts for Christmas?
~Is this motherhood thing Pass/Fail? Please, let it be so.
~Am I passing?
~Yesterday’s discovery: Yes, stomachs can get cellulite. Un-be-lievable.
~Miss M. giggles now when I catch her in a lie. Is this wildly cute or incredibly disturbing?
~To Google: Does Lying in Childhood Lead to a Future as a Serial Killer?
~Holiday note to self: Enjoy the wine. Don’t marinate in it. Repeat.
~I wonder which state my tingly happy lube is in now?
~Can I get away with making lasagna for Christmas dinner this year?
~People in the family who hate lasagna: Awesome Stepkid R., Miss D., Miss M., Daddy-o.
~Weekend to-do list: lights on outside bushes, bake cookies with D. and M., weekly menu plan, f#$%ing grocery store, f#$%ing laundry, Saturn project, Christmas cards (?), torturous holiday party.
~In the upcoming three weeks, how many times will I need to hide from the Creepy Meat Man?
~Why hasn’t anyone invented that Everclear Drinking Fountain yet?
Snark aside, I am wishing you a great weekend, readers! Hope you get your jolly on, in some form or another. You guys put the Jingle Bell in my Rock. And please, feel free to leave any additional items I should add to my list in the comments section, or add a list of your own. You always brighten my day.