Holiday Mindworm

December 2, 2010

Hello, my delightful readers! Do you have your Christmas shopping done yet? Are those holiday cards in the mail? Have you put out the life-sized Nativity scene, complete with strobe lights and piped-in stereo, on the front lawn?

As ludicrous as that last one sounds, we once had a neighbor who did that exact thing.  This neighbor was obviously deaf, too, because that music was cranked.  Dude also was a night owl, so we were treated to mind-blasting renditions of Jingle Bell Rock until 11pm. I am sooo glad we moved.

While I’m lucky enough not to have my sleep interrupted by disco lights and carols, I did have Hella Rotten time getting to sleep the other night. Actually, I’ll amend that. I got to sleep fine; however, my bladder has become cranky and high-maintenance, so I had to, well, you know.

And then it began. Mindworm. Mindworm is a lot like Earworm, and just as annoying.  You know about Earworm, right? That phenomenon when you get a song (usually a sucktastic one) deeply entrenched in your head and can’t get it out, no matter what you do? It’s maddening. A few weeks ago, hubs got Elton John’s Rocket Man stuck in his head for three days straight. He was impossible to live with.

Anyways, Mindworm is sort of the same thing–your brain wanders up, down and everywhere and you cannot turn it off. This usually happens to me in the middle of the night. Sometimes, I have one or two things that I worry about or mull over continually, or sometimes–like the other night–my mind flits, like an overactive mosquito, from one dumbass thing to another.

When that happens, I have to have a little conversation with my brain. It goes something like this:

Me: Yo, brain.  F%$k off and shut up already.

Brain: No.

Me: If you don’t let me sleep, I won’t be able to function in the morning–or for the entire day, for that matter.

Brain: Umm, last I checked, you wipe butts and do laundry all day. You ain’t curing cancer. You’ll function just fine. You’ll be a rabid wolverine by 4pm, but you’ll function.

Me: *&^%$#@@

For your holiday amusement, I’ll share some of the choice items from my Mindworm session the other night. Might as well.  Because after being up most of the night, it’s all I’m really capable of doing right now.  Stupid, mutinous brain.

~What am I going to wear to the party–ugh, the party!–this weekend? Can I get away with dark jeans? Wait, do I own dark jeans?

~What size am I, anyways? All I wear are yoga pants from Target.

~Items to Purchase for D.’s Science Project on Saturn: Helium Balloon, Cardboard, Coat Hanger, Corks, Sequins, Hot Glue Gun.

~Oh my God! I’m turning into a lady who owns a hot glue gun and wears nothing but yoga pants from Target!

~Am I too hard on myself or am I not hard enough? I’m over 40–shouldn’t I have that one figured out by now?

~Item I never thought I’d need but recently found out that I do: Electric Nose-Hair Clippers.  Shoot me now.

~When I tell my kids, “Not now, Mommy’s working,” do they believe me? Do *I* believe me?

~Grandmagotrunoverbyareindeer…noooooooo. Stop that right now.

~Presents purchased so far for Miss D: 4. Presents so far for Miss M:1.  Crap.

~To Google: Educational holiday gifts for 5-year olds.

~Will my kids hate me because I give them educational gifts for Christmas?

~Is this motherhood thing Pass/Fail?  Please, let it be so.

~Am I passing?

~Yesterday’s discovery: Yes, stomachs can get cellulite. Un-be-lievable.

~Miss M. giggles now when I catch her in a lie. Is this wildly cute or incredibly disturbing?

~To Google: Does Lying in Childhood Lead to a Future as a Serial Killer?

~Holiday note to self: Enjoy the wine. Don’t marinate in it.  Repeat.

~I wonder which state my tingly happy lube is in now?

~Can I get away with making lasagna for Christmas dinner this year?

~People in the family who hate lasagna: Awesome Stepkid R., Miss D., Miss M., Daddy-o.

~Weekend to-do list: lights on outside bushes, bake cookies with D. and M., weekly menu plan, f#$%ing grocery store, f#$%ing laundry, Saturn project, Christmas cards (?), torturous holiday party.

~In the upcoming three weeks, how many times will I need to hide from the Creepy Meat Man?

~Why hasn’t anyone invented that Everclear Drinking Fountain yet?

Snark aside, I am wishing you a great weekend, readers! Hope you get your jolly on, in some form or another. You guys put the Jingle Bell in my Rock. And please, feel free to leave any additional items I should add to my list in the comments section, or add a list of your own. You always brighten my day.

If you want to read about Bonding with Your Kids over Pretzels, click here to chat with Bryan !

{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }

Wendi @ Bon Appetit Hon December 2, 2010 at 12:31 pm

Kitch, lasagna is on the menu for Christmas dinner at my house. We’ll set a place for you at the table…right next to the Valium salt lick(not quite an everclear drinking fountain but not a bad subsititute). The rest of the fam damily can fix their own dinner.


bryan December 2, 2010 at 1:51 pm

When I first started reading yor post I was thinking “how cool! a little look into TKW’s mind.” A few more lines in I started thinking ” How frightening! a little look is enough.”

Thanks for fun post I like the way you think


Barbara December 2, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Been there, done that. As I’ve said before, you will actually make it out alive and on the other side! Then you will be wishing to have the madhouse back. Well. Maybe not.


Evan @swEEts December 2, 2010 at 1:53 pm

Your posts are my favorite thing to read as the day comes to an end at work because they always give me a little jolt of energy from the giggling they create in my office! :) Hope you have a nice weekend as well full of snark!


Cathy December 2, 2010 at 2:09 pm

I feel for ya on the active mind. Sheesh. Totally sucks. Glad to see you are back from your brief hiatus. Glad to also see that I am not alone in the counting of presents. You are doing well though – I have three kids – all at big, fat zeroes! Shoot me now.


Leslie December 2, 2010 at 2:44 pm

One of my very best friends bought an electric nose hair trimmer for the man who would later become her husband. For Valentine’s Day. He was a man, but still – that’s the day it lost their lustre as a hideously embarrassing, I-could-NEVER purchase. On the other hand, I’ll still look for a woman cashier when I have tampons in the cart. Pitiful.
(As is my holiday shopping list. Nothing’s crossed off yet.)


Phoo-d December 2, 2010 at 2:45 pm

I am so with you on the yoga pants. I have been living in mine for months now. And I’m also with you on the waking up every 2 hours, though for different reasons.


Maria December 2, 2010 at 4:59 pm

Oh Kitch! Now I have Rocketman stampeding in my brain. Thanks.

Everclear Drinking Fountain. I can only wish.

I also keep a running tally on gift numbers for the THREE boys. Sucks to try to be fair.

I am all about the educational Christmas gifts. You want something better? You get a job, save money and then fight other crazed, Valium salt lick needing mothers for this year’s “must have piece of S*&% toy that will send your kid to therapy for the next thity years ’cause my mom did get it for me” gift.

Sorry to hear about the wardrobe issues relating to the Holiday party. Three words: Ann Taylor Loft.

Lasagna is fine. Pretend you are Italian for one night. If anyone complains, point out the Mary gave birth to the Savior in a barn, with no nurse and more importantly, no medication. That should keep them quiet as they eat.



Mrs.Mayhem December 2, 2010 at 6:19 pm

Cute illustration! Never heard of a mindworm, but my nighttime conversations (with myself) follow the same pattern. Unfortunately my gift purchases are more uneven than yours. I’ve bought so many for the girls that I lost count, yet the older boys are still at 1 each. Time to pick up the shopping pace, I guess.


jessic December 2, 2010 at 7:02 pm

Every night I have a mindworm – it is infuriating and unending.

Enjoy wine, don’t marinate in it? Interesting idea…


Heather December 2, 2010 at 8:11 pm

I live in a constant mindworm – mine begins about the moment my head hits the pillow and doesn’t stop for at least an hour. I guess I’m fortunate in that I don’t wake up to think about the crazy. I just can’t fall asleep due to the crazy! My thoughts don’t typically flit like your brain – I seem to drone on and on about one subject for hours/days/weeks on end… where’s that damn therapists phone number again?!?!


Contemporary Troubadour December 2, 2010 at 10:34 pm

You have Mindworm too!!! Mine is induced into activity by my getting in bed. Without fail. Every night. My husband finds it amusing because the stuff I come up with for pillow talk is just that random, but he doesn’t have to deal with the damn thing once he falls asleep.

As for the life-sized Nativity scene with piped in music, yes, I have experienced this too. My parents live in Texas. When I was home a week before Thanksgiving, the entire neighborhood was freakin’ Candy Cane Lane already. The giant “Happy Birthday, Jesus” three-tiered cake done entirely in white lights topped all in the cul-de-sac.


Naptimewriting December 2, 2010 at 11:46 pm

What did I get done today?
If I’m not gonna sleep, at least I could get something done.
But I don’t want to get up.
Okay, I’ll make a mental list.
How will I remember it?
Numbers. Okay, go.
1. Prep for holiday party
2. Cancel holiday party
3. Pay bills
4. Crap, what was #1?
4. Wash curtains
5. Shut up. I’m not washing curtains.
6. Wash floors
7. Find out if we can afford someone to clean house
8. Shut up; we can’t afford cable, why would be pay someone to clean?
Cuz I don’t want to.
So? Life doesn’t work that way.
It odes for some people.
Well, you’re not them.
Shit, what number was I on?
7. Finish one of the books on the bedside table.
8. No, finish some of your projects first.
8a. Make list of projects to finish.
8b. Don’t forget the projects that have been on the list since last year.
8c. And the year before that.
9. Change the playlist on iPod.
10. Where are the presents I bought the kids?
11. Why are we celebrating materialism again this year?
12. Find out where the cool holiday events are this year.
13. Recaulk the tub.
Damn I’m tired.
I know, but the tub thing is a quick project.
But I don’t want to get up.
Okay, just make a list of what to do tomorrow.
1) Remove caulk.
2) Clean tub.
and on and on and on.

Hope you sleep tonight, Witchy.


TKW December 3, 2010 at 7:20 am

Nap, your items 1 and 2 made me cackle–that is definitely something I relate to, along with the losing count of your list. And caulk the bathtub? The horror! If you can catch that man of yours, hand him the caulk gun!


Shelley December 3, 2010 at 4:51 am

When I was working full time and going to night school I had 20 minutes to get to sleep inbetween in order to manage my classes and then come home and study til midnight. I imagined my perfect day: wake up in a snow-white, soft bed in a light, airy room, slip on some soft, worn jeans (it’s my fantasy so I’m skinny) and walk barefoot over to the French doors that open onto a white beach and overlook a pale green sea. Breakfast is on a trolley outside the bedroom door. That’s all I needed to be asleep – complete relaxation. These days when I wake at 3 am and worry, I change the subject to what colour velvet jacket I want (I’ll probably never buy one, but it’s my current desire) or what fabric – flannel maybe – I would make trousers in if I sewed. My thoughts have nothing stressful or real about them. It’s night time and if I’m not asleep, well I’m not at work either – work is for daytime. Imagine your perfect life and stay in it until you drop off.


Tiffany December 3, 2010 at 6:56 am

It’s so nice to know I’m not the only one that does this and has these mindworms. If we’re all crazy, then no one’s crazy, right?


SuziCate December 3, 2010 at 7:20 am

I think mindworm has invaded my brain, too! At least nowI have a name for it!


Futureblackmail December 3, 2010 at 7:45 am

Is this parenting thing pass/fail? Oh, I’m totally screwed….maybe it’s graded on a curve?!


Ink December 3, 2010 at 7:49 am

Word. And unfortunately, it’s not just for the holidays…it’s all the time.


At least yours is totally funny. LMAO.


Mommy Dearest December 3, 2010 at 8:01 am

Mindworm! I’ve never heard it called that before, but it’s perfect. I do that all the time, thinking of the absolute most random stuff – making dentist appointments, thinking that my son’s shoes are looking worn out so I need to remember to buy him new shoes, wondering if we’re out of band-aids and kleenex, thinking about what to make for dinner the next night, blah blah blah. My husband tells me to “just go to sleep” and I try to explain that I keep thinking about stuff and then he says, “well, just stop it!” Oh. Gee, why didn’t I think of that?

Very, very funny post!


Gale @ Ten Dollar Thoughts December 3, 2010 at 8:39 am

Oh, how I’ve been there! Sometimes I actually resort to counting sheep. It’s awful. When I was nursing IEP overnight for the first 6 months I got really good at going back to sleep. But now I’ve lost my touch and my lists look a lot like yours.


rebecca @ altared spaces December 3, 2010 at 9:52 am

Um…so…what to do about the chin hairs. They’re arriving more and more quickly. What zappity tricks do you dream up at midnight about those??? And what gives with all these hairy presents after 40 anyway???


Allison December 3, 2010 at 11:09 am

Yes to lasagna for Christmas dinner. It’s kind of a tradition with my family. Now you can sleep at night. You’re welcome.


Amy @ Never-True Tales December 3, 2010 at 1:46 pm

Oh, mindworm, I know you well. When this happens to me, I beg my husband to knock me out with a frying pan. He’s yet to do it (but I think he’s been sorely tempted).


Cheryl @ Mommypants December 3, 2010 at 4:23 pm

I, too, know all too well about the Mindworm. Little bastard.

Also, I’m making lasagne for Christmas dinner. Although I think we’re actually going to be at SeaWorld, so I guess I’m off the hook!


Michelle December 3, 2010 at 5:33 pm

Huh, so that’s what it’s called? Happens to me all the time too!


ellemck1 December 3, 2010 at 6:13 pm

Ugh, I hate mindworms at night… or in staff meeting when I should really be paying attention. But I never thought of the name before, love it!


Stacia December 3, 2010 at 10:02 pm

I keep my glue-gun in the cabinet by the fridge. Always at the ready for an impromptu craft session or emergency princess-dress repair. Now, what section are the yoga pants in at Target? I think I need a few pairs …


LIz December 4, 2010 at 5:23 am

I realize that your blog is called KITCH witch, and we have already established that I DONT cook, but I follow you as often as I can and even read your recipes sometimes and promise myself (and you) that I will try them, but when you write this kind of nonsense, I love you all the more and want to become your very own personal stalker. You crack me up. Love the snark. And the mindworm???? Uh, are you kidding? That shit never shuts up in my f’in head. NE-VER.


Velva December 4, 2010 at 10:18 am

Once again, I am left chuckling and smiling after reading your post. So, it’s a mind worm, that’s what I need to be calling my completely irrelevant thoughts that continually at break neck speed cross my mind over and over again at night (during the day too).

Happy Holidays to you and your family.



Paula (Salad in a Jar) December 4, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Nose hair clippers? You cannot be serious!

Mindworm–another new word you’ve taught me. Very familiar with those. Good luck with your list.


tasteofbeirut December 5, 2010 at 10:50 am

you make me laugh the way Erma Bombeck did!


angelina December 5, 2010 at 12:54 pm

You have an eccentric playlist going on in your head! I think the only way to win that battle with your brain is by giving it the silent treatment and playing dead. Eventually, the bander will cease. lol!


franticmommy December 5, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Not so sound all hick and NorthWoodsey, but I’ve heard Moose get earworms/mindworms. Drives ’em mad and causes them to try to have dates with park cars…just sayin.. ;)

Thanks for stop by my blog. Good luck with the Gogurt cleanup :(


Liz @ Peace, Love & Guacamole December 5, 2010 at 6:33 pm

So…I logged on to find the ingredients to your foolproof fudge because it’s Sunday at 7:30pm and I’m about to sneak out the door and make a grocery store run because our weekend was PACKED and this is the first moment I’ve had to even think about the stupid empty fridge that doesn’t even have enough in it to make lunches for the kids tomorrow. Forget meal planning this week, which is pretty insane really since Hubby will be out of town most of the week. Ugh. And you wanna know WHY I’m thinking about fudge right now on a busy Sunday at 7:30pm? Because I thought it was so freaking darling that my kids wanted to host a bake sale to raise money for a family in need and now I’ve helped them turn it into this huge freaking deal complete with flyers and goodie bags and now we (I!) have to bake all this crap before Saturday even though good lord there’s really not any time to spare and did I mention Hubby will be gone all week? So no, the Christmas cards have not gone out. But your post sure made me feel better. :)


Yuliya December 5, 2010 at 9:07 pm

Mindworm..I wonder if there’s an IPhone app for that yet? If not, you should totally get on it, and I will take 10%
Thanks for the laughs.
No Thanks for Rocketman!


TKW December 5, 2010 at 9:15 pm

Liz, you are a better woman that I. I hear the words “bake sale” and hide in the closet, in the fetal position.


Tom B. Taker December 6, 2010 at 10:24 am

I love the illustration of Mindworm. He’s festive and thinking ahead to his next important life activity. Now that’s what I call multitasking!

The peek inside your mind was interesting. And hilarious. I hope it’s ok to point and laugh.

I’m glad I found this place. +1 to subscriptions.


Rudri December 6, 2010 at 5:24 pm

Rocketman is a great song. Don’t know if I would like it to play in my head continuously. Maybe I’ll by those electric nose clippers for my husband. He just informed me that he has gray hairs growing in his nose.

Your mindworm concept. Know it well.


Jane December 6, 2010 at 7:15 pm

Kitch? You crack me up! (And read my mind — you are so incredibly talented!)


INgrid December 7, 2010 at 3:47 pm

Love your blog!


FatFighterTV December 7, 2010 at 5:40 pm

Okay, I’ve had both Earworm and Mindworm but had no idea they were called that. :)

Thanks for the laughs – I really needed them today!!


GEW December 8, 2010 at 2:35 pm

Just wanting to say “Halloooooo!” And with kids and presents? And getting them the same number of presents? I always find that since I’ve kept trying to keep it even that I end up with a bazillion for both.

Hang in there, my dear.


Gloria @ Nose Hair Clipper May 16, 2011 at 7:12 am

Hi! This is my first time here and after reading some of your adventures and misadventures, I find you very entertaining and hilarious. I could relate to some of your experiences that is why I think your blog got me interested. Looking forward to your future updates, count me in as your avid subscriber now. Have a nice day!


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