Ten Lessons my Mom Needs to Learn: A Missive From my Children

August 18, 2011


~10 Lessons Mommy Needs to Learn: Miss D. and Miss M. Version

Yo, Mommy. You need some edu-macatin’, girl.  There’s stuff you’re seriously sucking at.  M: Okay, I think “sucking” is a little harsh, don’t you think? D: No, really, she sucks.

But that’s okay, Mommy. We’re here to help you out. It’s our job, you know.  So here’s a wee list of items we’d like to teach you:

1. Snack Ingenuity: If Mommy is negligent and fails to pack snacks for a trip to the park, just use what’s on hand to create your own! It’s seriously not that hard! Examples: Toe jam, discarded popsicle sticks, belly button lint, gum found stuck to the playground slide  and–a personal favorite–boogers.  Boogers are portable, always in season and we’re pretty sure they don’t have carbs.

2. Art of Persuasion: We don’t know why Mommy bothers to argue with Daddy. She’s ridiculous. M: Any girl with brains knows that you just pull out one of these and he’ll shut up and do what you want.

D: And if that doesn’t work, pull out one of these:

3. Fashion Sense: Make it work, people!  Mommy needs to understand the power of color. And pattern. And accessorizing. M: Nothing says confidence like a well-placed binky.

D: And who needs all of  those clothes? Jeez. When I was three, I wore a tutu and a Superman t-shirt every day for four solid months. To rave reviews, I must add. Stick to the basics.

4. Appreciation of the Arts: Mommy has no eye for the aesthetic. M: So true! Remember when I turned the living room wall into my own rendition of the Guernica? It was genius, I tell you. And all she did was lock herself in the bathroom for a while. D: Her taste in music needs work, too. That afternoon when I played Hot Cross Buns on the recorder 38 times in a row? She had serious lack of gratitude, man.

5. A.M. Mealtime Flexibility: Why so rigid? Loosen up, would you?  If you’d just relax a little, you’d realize that there’s a whole world of acceptable breakfast choices out there: ice cream bars, Cheetos, chicken nuggets, Pop Rocks, pickles, Sun Chips, ketchup, Juicy Fruit gum. M: And boogers! Don’t forget boogers!

6. How to Party: We can party like nobody’s business, but Mommy? Lame-o. I mean, the last bash we threw? Mommy was totally no fun. M: I think she went and hid in the bathroom again, actually.

7. Freedom of Expression: Why so buttoned-up, Mama Bear?  You need to get in touch with your feelings. If you feel it, deal it.  Like, *own* it, girl. D: There’s no shame in showing how you feel. I mean, if you want to do the Chicken Dance in the library, dance! If you feel like biting Santa Claus, bite him! It’s really quite liberating. M (to her sister): Dude, didn’t you steal a vibrator on Santa-chomping day, too? D: Yes. I was very in touch with my feelings that day.

8. The Art of Home Decor: Mom, our house needs some flair. Some in-ter-est. It’s like, all beige, except for those throw pillows that Harryboy peed on. Think outside the box.  D: You know, it’s been dull around here since you threw out those throw pillows, so we thought we’d help you out.

Yes, those are throttled Littlest Pet Shop dudes, hanging perilously off the balcony.

A study in hula hoop, crayon, and shoe. Please note the continuing artistry on the walls.

If Mommy’s too lame to party, make your own Tiki Bar–recorder music gratis.

M: Damn, we’re good.

9. Proper Response to Harsh Sound and Smell: What’s with the denial? The acting like nothing’s happened, when clearly a violation is in evidence? M: The proper response when someone in the room cuts a sonic fart? Whirl around, shout “Holy cow!” point accusingly and say, “Whose butt did that come out of?” D: And do not suffer stink in silence.  If the lady in the Target bathroom drops a doody that’s bad news, call her out! Say, “Wonkawonka Eww! What did that lady eat? I bet it was corn.”

10. How to Live: The way to live is large Mom. Put a little effort into it, wouldja?


The Minxes

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