“I Feel Like Ass” Tea

September 5, 2011

A few days after a chemo infusion, when the steroid wears off, Mama starts to feel like ass.

This comes as a surprise to nobody except Mama.

I’ll call her in the morning and she’ll answer the phone, bewildered. “I don’t feel so good.”

“Geez, Mom. Ya think?”

“I didn’t expect to feel this bad.”

“Mom. Hello! They just injected your body with toxins. Toxins = poisonous nasty shit. Toxins kill the bad stuff and some of the good stuff, too.  Thus, you are going to feel like ass.”

“I didn’t think it would be this gross.”

“Gross? Okay, Ma. Listen. Let’s think about this. Remember how when that first bag of chemo is over, they hand it to that lady in the Darth Vader suit, with the gloves and the mask and everything, and she takes it into the ‘soiled hold’?”

“Yeah. They should get her a better looking suit.”

“She has to get dressed up like an evil Jedi just to throw your chemo bag in the trash. That bag of stuff that just got injected into your entire person. You are going. To feel. Like ass.”

“Well, they didn’t tell me I was going to feel like ass!”

“Mom. I think they kind of just figured that you knew that.”

“Hmph. Well, I didn’t.”

I love so many things about Mama but her sunny optimism is truly one of her finest traits.  She just navigates her way through this world believing that everything is going to be smooth sailing.

Truly, she should know better, because she’s had some choppy water in her life–boatfuls of it–but she seems to forget the rough patches. It’s charming.

It’s especially charming to me, the pessimist who has the life jacket on, the flares in hand, and the extra oars in the boat before it even hits water.  She’s like a lungful of clean air, my Mama.

Now if Mama will admit that she feels bad, it means she feels bad. This is a woman who deems a gall bladder attack and subsequent emergency removal, “inconvenient.”  Bunion surgery? “A wee setback.” You get the idea.

Mama says she’s a tough old bird. And she is tough.  Which is a pretty awesome thing to be, in my opinion. She’s quickly back on her feet in a few days, cracking jokes and making mischief just like always.

One of the challenges during the “feel-like-ass-phase”  is staying hydrated, and Mama doesn’t do a good job of hydrating on a normal day. Like me, Mama doesn’t enjoy water. We are kind of anti-water. We want to like water, but let’s face it: water tastes like what you last ate.

She’s been adding a wedge of lime to her glass, and that makes things a little better, but still.  It’s boring.

I wanted to come up with something that, when Mama cannot abide another glass of water, might tempt her to keep drinking. I spent a recent afternoon in the kitchen, mucking about with various concoctions and odd ingredients, feeling a bit like a mad scientist. It was good fun.

The following recipe is one of the results, and I was pleased with it.  It’s clean and herb-infused and bubbly, and bubbles make things fun, no matter the occasion.

It’s kind of surprising to me that cucumbers, which are mostly water, become quite flavorful when juiced. I can eat a slice of cucumber and not taste much, but when pureed, that flavor shines through.  In a good, refreshing way.

This is a barely, barely, sweetened drink. Mama doesn’t like sweet drinks, and I don’t either, but feel free to increase the amount of agave nectar to taste.

Luckily, you don’t have to feel like ass to try this recipe. It’s a welcome tonic to a steamy afternoon, and if your herb garden is flourishing, a nice way to use up those herbs hanging about.

Mama and Daddy came up for Sunday lunch recently, and I sent them home with a big jug of this “tea.”  I think Daddy may have called it “bug juice,” but that’s his opinion. The man voluntarily drinks sauerkraut juice, so I don’t think he can talk any smack. He’s forgiven though, because he (along with my generous husband) is sending Mama and me on a little spa adventure for a few days next week!

Readers, we are so excited. Mama and I have always wanted to vacation together, just us chickens, and look what fell in our laps!  My husband couldn’t have given me a nicer early-anniversary present.  Best of all, we get to dip our toes in the ocean, which is always good medicine for the soul. I’ll be giving you details in a bit, when I’ve nailed down some nuts and bolts.

For now, all I can give you is love and bug juice.



“I Feel Like Ass”  Tea *

serves about 4

1 lemon or lime, thinly sliced

2 tablespoons fresh basil leaves

1/2 cup fresh mint

24 ounces cold Pellegrino or club soda

3 cucumbers, peeled, seeded, and cut into chunks

1/4 cup water

1/2 cup pineapple juice

2 teaspoons agave nectar or to taste (we didn’t like ours sweet, but others may disagree)

Cracked ice

mint sprigs, cucumber slices or lemon slices, for garnish (optional)

In a large pitcher, combine lemon, basil and mint. With a wooden spoon, crush the mixture together (use some muscle!).  Add the agave nectar and let sit on a sunny windowsill for about an hour.

Meanwhile, place the cucumber and 1/4 cup water in a food processor and blend well.  Place the cucumber mixture in a strainer set over a bowl, pressing down on solids with the back of a spoon.  Discard mixture left in strainer. Chill the cucumber puree.

Strain lemon/herb mixture into another pitcher; discard lemon and herbs. Add cucumber puree and stir well.   Pour the chilled sparkling water into the pitcher and stir well.

Serve over lots of cracked ice, garnished with lemon and mint, if desired.

*Just to let you know, you can spike this puppy if you wish. I did (naturally), and it’s good with any citrus vodka or, if you have pear vodka on hand, that’s yummy too.

{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Lyrics - Comprehensive online lyrics resource featuring 800000+ lyrics for 45000+ artists. July 10, 2012 at 3:58 am

Hi, Neat post. There’s an issue together with your site in web explorer, would test this? IE still is the marketplace chief and a huge part of people will leave out your great writing because of this problem.


win the lottery July 12, 2012 at 1:59 am

Simply want to say your article is as surprising. The clearness in your post is just great and that i could suppose you’re an expert on this subject. Fine together with your permission allow me to grasp your feed to keep up to date with drawing close post. Thanks 1,000,000 and please keep up the enjoyable work.


Web 2.0 July 12, 2012 at 6:13 pm

K0BFNC A big thank you for your blog. Cool.


en July 13, 2012 at 7:00 pm

Its such as you read my mind! You appear to understand a lot approximately this, like you wrote the e-book in it or something. I feel that you can do with some p.c. to power the message home a bit, however instead of that, that is wonderful blog. A great read. I’ll certainly be back.


ronaldo cristiano July 13, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I feel this is one of the so much vital info for me. And i’m satisfied reading your article. However wanna remark on few general things, The site taste is great, the articles is really excellent : D. Excellent activity, cheers


meilleur taux simulation July 14, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Soon after study quite a few the websites on your personal internet internet site now, i truly like your indicates of blogging. I bookmarked it to my bookmark internet site list and will also be checking back soon. Pls consider my web-site likewise and tell me what you consider. 587187


nootropics July 14, 2012 at 6:53 pm

This publication has inspired me to carry on focusing on my own blog


Cisco Switches July 14, 2012 at 8:29 pm

I do consider all of the ideas you’ve offered for your post. They are very convincing and will definitely work. Still, the posts are too brief for novices. May you please lengthen them a bit from subsequent time? Thank you for the post.


Social Bookmarking July 15, 2012 at 12:40 am

Z3lYyH Thanks so much for the blog.Much thanks again. Keep writing.


bra July 15, 2012 at 6:40 am

Man you legend. return see my site, you need to get pleasure from it. 519364


read this July 15, 2012 at 4:16 pm

stays on topic and states valid points. Thank you. 171500


cloud hosting July 16, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Simply wanna input that you have a very nice website , I enjoy the pattern it really stands out. 744126


Web Development July 16, 2012 at 5:04 pm

I regard something truly interesting about your blog so I saved to fav.


Zebra Zoologist July 16, 2012 at 5:37 pm

nice page you should write a weekly newsletter :)


singapore payday loans July 17, 2012 at 12:16 am

I gotta favorite this web site it seems really beneficial . 555390


Leave a Comment

{ 9 trackbacks }

Previous post:

Next post: