A Post Where I Admit I Got Nothin’

November 9, 2011

Why, I ask, does Seven Kinds of Owl Shit always descend on our house in the late fall?  Remember last year, when it was Sucktober, Suckvember and SuperSuckcember?  Actually, I think I we may have even had SuckJanuary last year, but I’m pretty sure I blanked it out.

As I write this, Miss M. is on her fourth vomit of the morning.  I’d love to say that this is a disturbing and freakish occurrence, but alas, in my house, it’s called: Another Week of Kindergarten.

I swear to you, the employees at Miss M.’s school are convinced that I’m one of those nutball Munchausen by Proxy ladies.  My child has been afflicted with some kind of germy pestilence at least once a week since September. I expect the Department of Social Services to show up on my doorstep any day now.

When I take a break from sanitizing every surface of the house and pause to think rationally, I realize that this isn’t a crisis. It’s Kindergarten. I’m pretty sure my child will become a functional member of society without attending daily Kindy.

Heh. Tell that to the Kindy Nazi who mans the phone in the morning. She’s convinced that there’s some rotten shit in Denmark.  The routine goes something like this:


“Good morning, ________ Montessori. This is ________ speaking.”

“Um, hiiiiiii _____________. This is Dana? M’s mom?”

“Yes, of course. Hi Dana. How are you this morning?”

“Well…you know, you aren’t going to believe this –*nervous laugh*–but M. isn’t feeling well. Again.”

“Oh my goodness, reallllly?”   *sigh and pause*  “What seems to be the problem?”

Multiple Choice Section:

A. “Well, she is hacking up a fucking lung coughing and really snotty. Yes. Green snot, not the clear kind.”

B. “She woke during the night with diarrhea and has been in the can ever since.”

C. “She’s vomiting. Yes. More than once.”

D. “She’s lethargic and has a fever. Yes. I did actually take her temperature with a real thermometer.”

E. “She’s writhing on the ground complaining of stomach pain. Yes. I did actually take her temperature.”

*pause and tongue clucking*

“Oh, my, that’s too bad. Well, I guess we’ll just trrryyy to catch her back up when she returns.”

“Thank y…”  *click*

Argg! What the heck?

I mean, I realize that I kill fish, flowers and plants on a regular basis, but I’m pretty sure I know when my child is too germified to attend school.

I’m also pretty sure that if I did send her to school in any of the above conditions, I’d be dispatched back to Kindy within an hour and given the BadMommyStinkEye.

And seriously, do they honestly think that I want to spend my day with Typhoid Mary?  That I want to clean up her excretions on the hour, every hour, Clorox wipes in hand?

Adding insult to the situation is the fact that unlike Miss D., Miss M. demands constant cuddles and kisses when she’s feeling poorly.  I’m dang certain that I don’t want to get within a 5-mile radius of that child, let alone pull her bacteria-riddled butt into my lap and love on her.  It makes me pine for Miss D., who used to let me plop her on the couch in front of Tom and Jerry with a ginger ale and forget her for 3 hours, minimum.

Ah, those were the days.

Readers, if you don’t hear from me for a while, please call the county jail.  My arrest is forthcoming, I know it.  You do have money to post my bail, right?  Or at least fork up the cash for the impending tonsillectomy…

I have a feeling that I see my Christmas break, and it’s not pretty.  Santa’s bringing sherbet this year. Let Suckcember commence. Because there’s nothing else I’ve gotta do, eh?

{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

C @ Kid Things November 9, 2011 at 9:29 pm

Jedi’s first year of school last year went a lot like that. I swear that boy stayed home at least once a week for something and I was afraid people were going to get after me. Now that I have 2 kids in school this year, though, I have a lot more to lose if they stay home. Namely my mind. Unless a trip to the hospital is in order, those kids are going to school.


Papa Guy November 9, 2011 at 10:09 pm

Ha ha ha ha, Montesorri Nazi attendance ladies, ha ha ha good laugh before bed, Thank You
I hope little sweetie feels better soon….


Naptimewriting November 9, 2011 at 10:30 pm

Clearly, this is all Daylight Savings’ fault. M is sick because her body want to spring back forward. Montessori Shithead is grouchy because her body doesn’t fall back well at all. Solution? Arizona.
Good luck with the pukes. And the needy sick kid. You know you can drink the ginger ale and watch Tom and Jerry while she clings to you, right?


TKW November 10, 2011 at 10:28 am


I can, of course, but I’d prefer to be across the room from her germy arse. Ewwwww. Boogerville.


Stacia November 9, 2011 at 11:39 pm

The best day ever was when my oldest learned to puke in the toilet. That will only be topped by the day my youngest learns to do the same.

Also, can you spike her ginger ale with Benadryl or something??


camilla November 9, 2011 at 11:54 pm

Oh that is horrible for you both! for your sake I hope it is a 24hour..whatever it is


Abby November 10, 2011 at 5:22 am

I have an (annoying-ass) coworker who was out earlier this week because of the flu and the fact that her three-year-old had “liquid poop.” She STILL SENT HER to daycare while she stayed home. WHY would you send your sick kid around other sick kids? This woman in incredible, and frankly, I wish she would stay home forever.

Anyway, bummer about your munchkin. I suppose that comes with the kindergarten territory, otherwise known as a petri dish of disease. Perhaps you should home school? (Yes, that was totally sarcastic.)


TKW November 10, 2011 at 10:29 am


There’s a fresh place in Hell for a woman who sends her kid to school/daycare with runny poo. Gah!


Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes November 10, 2011 at 6:22 am

Oh, bummer for you and Miss M. I hope she feels better soon and if you need me to be a character witness just let me know.


Amy November 10, 2011 at 6:45 am

I’ll be happy to drive up north to post bail. Perhaps M will be feeling better that day and we can take her out to lunch! Hope she is better today.


Sherri November 10, 2011 at 7:18 am

We experience much of the same in our house each year – varies regarding when – worst is at the holidays at which time the Christmas Show may be compromised. Seems we just had a bout – my 3 year old was snotty – the 1st grader with the throwing up thing – the high schooler with a raging sore throat – so far, ONLY kindergartner safe. Weird. In your house, your poor little K girl is the sick one. So… sending sympathy and hoping you all get well / stay well :-).


Koreen November 10, 2011 at 7:22 am

At least you don’t forget to send Miss M to school, like I’ve done with mine. That’s a little less excusable. Hope she’s feeling better soon.


Nobody November 10, 2011 at 7:30 am

when my son was in kindergarten, he was always fine in the morning. it wasn’t until he actually GOT to school that the sickies set in… i picked him up from school no less than 3 times for having explosive diarrhea in his pants, and vomiting all over himself. i swear, i think that school was actually a petrie dish for new exotic kinds of stomach viruses…

i hope your little one starts feeling better soon. this time of the year is always awful. :(


TKW November 10, 2011 at 10:33 am


Three weeks ago I got the same call from school about the explosive…stuff. Poor M. was so embarrassed!


bryan November 10, 2011 at 7:52 am

There is nothing I like better than sitting at county lockup waiting to pail someone out, count me in, maybe we can have a party there!.

Poor little M… and poor mom! Sorry the winter suckieness has started.


Justine November 10, 2011 at 8:23 am

Sorry about Ms M. These kids in school share germs like it’s their job. “Oh you look clean and bathed, let me sneeze and land my green snot on you. There. Much better.”

When my daughter was home with me on maternity, everything was fine until her first week of preschool. Then everyone started to drop like flies at home – even the baby. UGH. These kids can generate some potent shit I tell ya.

Hope she feels better soon. And hugs to you as well.


Jenna November 10, 2011 at 8:55 am

Ay ay ay! I thought you were going to be free of months with the ‘suck’ prefix this year. Alas. Well, at least if you HAVE to suffer, it makes for hilarious blog posts. Just lookin’ at the positive side here.


Tiffany November 10, 2011 at 10:30 am

I will come bail you out if need be. Hope this month isn’t as sucky as you’re anticipating!


pamela November 10, 2011 at 10:40 am

Oh poor you and poor Miss M. Make sure you get yerself outside at least once per day just so that you don’t make the mistake of thinking you are already in county jail.



Stephane in Alaska November 10, 2011 at 10:46 am

My experience is that keepin’ a kid home when s/he’s sick is now considered hopelessly unfashionable and obsolete. At my kids’ school, they won’t send a child home until s/he’s actually vomited–and sometimes, not even then. Heck, my kid got barfed *on* at school and if I hadn’t been there to see it no one would have deemed it necessary to share such banal details with me. A little girl who also partook of said plight had her hair rinsed in the school sink (please don’t infer “washed” because that would be greatly overstated), was given a change of slightly undersized clothes and sent back about her business. At the end of the day her father suspected something was amiss when his nostrils detected the distinctive tang of eau de vomit-infused hair. His suspicions were confirmed when he opened the bag of vomit-spewn clothes. So shake off that mom-guilt, would ya? Hand Miss M a bucket, pat her on the head from a safe distance with a latex-gloved hand and send her on her way. You’re overthinking this. ; )


Wendi @ Bon Appetit Hon November 10, 2011 at 10:52 am

We’ve got your back on the bail money D. The vomit? You’re on your own with.


Katybeth November 10, 2011 at 11:11 am

I once let my child miss school because I agreed to take him to the midnight sale of some video game and he was tired after playing most of the night. We have also been late to school because I wanted to stay on Facebook celebrating a good friends birthday.I lie when I “call in” and keep a record of my excuses in Evernote. I do not lie within ear shot of my kid–that would be wrong and irresponsible. He is smart enough to know to be vague if and when questioned at school.

You have nothing to worry about–your kid is sick (throwing up sick) but you do get hauled in for questioning. I have your bail money.

School is not that big a deal…Kindergarten is no big deal at all.. You don’t want me to defend you in court, do you?

Feel better Miss. M. ♥


Dana November 10, 2011 at 11:48 am

Poor Miss M. Hopefully she is degermified soon!


Jennifer November 10, 2011 at 1:45 pm

I will never understand why parents send their kids to school sick, or why coworkers come to the office when sick. Keep that nasty stuff if your own house. You would think the snotty phone answerer would feel the same way.


Salad in a Jar November 10, 2011 at 1:59 pm

Your house does not sound like fun!
The tag words on this post made me laugh. I can just imagine someone googling “sick as crap kids”.


Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri November 10, 2011 at 2:15 pm

Hope she feels better soon!


SuziCate November 10, 2011 at 5:52 pm

If they give you a hard time again, take her in and let her throw up and they will have to clean it up…they’ll call you to come get her and never question you again!


Cathy November 10, 2011 at 6:13 pm

What is with all those peeps who think that it’s terrible to miss school. Whatever. I just let my three boys stay home for a “mental health” day. But also I send my kids to school when they’re sick. I don’t mean, sick sick, but a head cold – sure, why not? They need to learn that sometimes you just need to go forward even when you don’t feel your best.


Privilege of Parenting November 10, 2011 at 7:24 pm

Sending good cheer and healing wishes and, if you get bored between clean-ups, we can swap barfing stories: http://bit.ly/s6N1PO.



heather clark November 11, 2011 at 6:30 am

seriously, you can’t win with those people (school people). when little one gets over her illness, they’ll probably send you nasty-grams about absences. if you send her to school, you get the hairy eye-ball for sending her to school ill. just visualize your freshly manicured middle finger saluting when they call/eyeball you.


TKW November 11, 2011 at 7:17 am


“Freshly manicured middle finger saluting” cracked me up! You just brightened up my morning!


Jane November 11, 2011 at 9:29 am

I’m ready this late but with fingers crossed that the crud has left your house by now! Hugs! xoxoxox0


Amber November 11, 2011 at 10:29 am

I am pretty ticked by the teachers at your daughter’s school. You would think they would have one iota of sympathy for you and your family. Naturally, they judge you and refuse to give you just a little. Blech. Pooh on them. (Seriously, I hope they and their kids, well maybe not their kids, get horrible sick EVERY WEEK for the rest of the year.) (Clearly I am in one of my pissy moods.)


Dawn November 13, 2011 at 5:12 pm

They should be grateful that you don’t send her to school. I’m sure the other parents are grateful for not spreading the stuff around. I hope you all feel better today!


Heather November 13, 2011 at 7:36 pm

Suckvember has exploded all over this house! I’m not on a first name basis with the school secretary – at least not yet. But I have blown through my sick time like mad. At least I can say that once upon a time I really did have more than 100 hours of sick time. Children see fit to eat that shit up!
Hope things are joyful for you this holiday.


Biz November 14, 2011 at 6:23 am

I remember how sickly your house was last fall – hopefully it won’t continue on this year! I remember bringing Hannah to school in kindergarten when she had chicken pox – I had snack duty and when she woke up, I saw immediately she had the chicken pox. But being a single mom at the time, I couldn’t leave her at home.

I remember leaving her on the corner near the crossing guard, handing the teacher her snack to share with the class, other mothers asking “why is Hannah at the corner?” When I said “she has the chicken pox” a bunch of mom’s called their kids and said “go over by Hannah!” Apparently, a lot of the Mom’s just wanted to get it overwith in kindergarten!

Hang in there – and buy more Lysol! :D


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