Valium Salt Lick Salad

July 16, 2012


The last two weeks have been complete cluster…jams.  Why on Earth did I think that a four-year span between kids was a good idea? Me=Dumbass.  A four-year difference is a bad idea. A four-year difference means that my girls not ever, rarely qualify for the same activities in the summer, and these last two weeks have kicked The Village of T. in the kneecaps. And believe me, it’s taken a village.

My mind is too scrambled and my body is too beaten to really pull anything cohent together, so I’ll just give you a quick version of the developments rattling around in our cage:

~ Both Miss M. and Miss D. are scheduled to the gills–all for things they wanted to participate in–but it makes them cranky, and apparently it leads them to decide that everything is so my fault.  I assure you, not everything is so my fault. My husband is responsible for at least half of the assholery, but somehow, everything is still so my fault.

~Miss D. went to an intensive music and dance camp for two weeks, which she really wanted to do. It also made her vacillate wildly between excited/neurotic, energetic/exhausted, thrilled/despairing, adorable/sarcastic, dedicated/apathetic and human being/feral Dingo.  Perhaps a mother of stronger constitution could have handled this, but I am made of weaker stuff.  It was almost worth it when she nailed her performance, but for 14 days straight, I was Mama Dingo.

~Miss M. has happily mastered the (very) high diving board at the swimming pool. She has also decided that I am embarrassing just by existing on the planet. She is six years old, people. I thought I had at least two more years of tolerance in the Motherhood Bank Account. Alas, I am already overdrawn.

~Miss D. apparently agrees, because as I was driving her to her performance (Glee! Woo-Hoo!) and expressed excitement at seeing her onstage, she gave me the stink eye and said, “Mom. Just don’t freak out, okay?”

~The closing number of the musical was “Mamma Mia!”  If you’ve seen the show live, you know that cast members bring audience members out of their seats and onstage/into the aisles to dance during the final bars of the song. Guess who got picked (though not by my own kid)? Am I going to reject some teeny, ponytailed thing who holds out her hand and asks me to dance? No. I shook my moneymaker so hard that I think quarters came shambling out.  Both of my own progeny wanted to die of shame.

~Shunning from children makes mommy sad and cranky. As in, Mama Dingo cranky.

~If you allow your youngest child to exist on pancakes, French toast, white bread and Danimals yogurt for two weeks, she will send you running to the ER, convinced that appendicitis is afoot. It’s not appendicitis. It’s a turd, the size of a baseball, hanging out in her bowel system.

~Children do not like enemas. But they don’t dislike them enough to submit to eating a vegetable once in a while.

~After realizing that a) the wicked claws of puberty are dangling, perilously, over the head of Minx 1 and that b) Minx 2 has far more will than you possess, you will want to lock yourself in the laundry room with a gallon of Jack Daniel’s and a MegaDeath cd. Or a Valium Salt Lick, which I am still wildly pissed that nobody’s invented yet.

~You’ll really want that salt lick when you realize that for some reason, the spam filter on your blog is no longer working and you have to spend hours deleting drek about penis enhancement and cheap knockoff handbags.

~Dinner has been sketchy, at best. One day, after fielding hisses from the Minxes all afternoon, I just grabbed a bunch of shit I had in the refrigerator and made this salad, served alongside a lonely grilled chicken breast.  The chicken was plebian, but somehow the salad came out nicely. Not that Miss Baseball Bowel would touch a bite of it.

~Ah, the dog days of summer. How are you handling them?

Valium Salt Lick Salad

serves 4-6


5 ears of the sweetest summer corn you can find, shucked and cut from the cob

1 cup sugar snap peas, ends trimmed and cut into pieces

1 shallot or 1/4 cup red onion, diced

1 jalapeno pepper, seeded and diced

1 small red bell pepper, seeded and diced

A fistful on any fresh herb you have on hand–I like flat-leaf parsley or basil

Salt and pepper to taste

1 teaspoon honey (or to taste)

1 lime, juiced

A few glugs of “good” olive oil (hi, Ina!)

Anything else you want to toss into the mix, like an heirloom tomato or some cucumber, or whatever is thriving in your garden


In a small bowl, combine the lime juice with the olive oil, honey, salt and pepper.  Put all other ingredients in a big bowl. Toss with dressing. Check and season to taste. If you have no Valium Salt Lick, curse your fate and eat too much salad.

Toss all of the other ingredients in a bowl.

{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }

Abby July 16, 2012 at 5:56 am

I don’t love that things are neurotic right now, but I do love the stories you tell. And if it makes you feel any better–which it won’t–I think I was around 6 or 7 when I had to have my first enema and pass a turd the size of a baseball. I still remember that, so fuzzy memories abound…

But I SO wish you lived near me. We could shake our moneymakers and sip Vodka while giving your kids something to REALLY be embarrassed about ;)


TKW July 16, 2012 at 6:19 am


I double-wish that. Ah, the ways we could get the neighborhood a-buzzing….


SD July 21, 2014 at 12:57 pm

This is the funniest thing I’ve read all summer. You need to write a book.


Erica@PLRH July 16, 2012 at 6:35 am

We had the same exact ER trip 3 summers ago with youngest child. Why will the kid only eat beige foods???

Hmmm. You keep putting corn in salad. I’m not sure if I could do that.


Jennifer July 16, 2012 at 8:36 am

Cady would give her left arm to do a “drama” camp. Unfortunately we don’t have anything like that here. :(


Lyndsey July 16, 2012 at 8:40 am

All I can say! I would like to be a fly on your wall for one week…or maybe just one day! :) I can imagine…I have one daughter who is very calm and has become a good eater of very healthy food (I must say she has never been fond of kids food) She is also very quiet. At work (the school clinic) I often sit there with my jaw dropped listening to these kids talking non-stop and you wouldn’t believe some of the things they tell me…or maybe you would! :)

Even with just one kid it doesn’t mean I am well prepared for dinners and have a spotless house. I often make meals like these. I love them though and if anyone complains about clearing out the fridge for a dinner….they can plan dinners from now on! Just saying! ;D It’s always a pleasure to stop in and see what’s going on in your house ;)


TheKitchWitch July 16, 2012 at 4:33 pm


I’d hate to have my kid in your clinic. She’d give you an earful.


Jenna July 16, 2012 at 8:57 am

Yowza. Embarrassed by Mom at age 6, eh? Looks like puberty is happening to both concurrently. =) I remember hitting that age–and I’m already not looking forward to having my kids drop my hand like it’s a hot potato when their little friends come into sight.


TKW July 16, 2012 at 4:36 pm


It suuuucks.


Camille Brightsmith July 16, 2012 at 9:54 am

I cannot believe that any child, or anyONE would shun you. I, for one, crave your presence and your money-maker-shaker. I have this morning just completed a huge excel spreadsheet that specifies all the child care for the month of August for my little buns. Its complex. Thank goodness they had summer school until now!!!


TKW July 16, 2012 at 4:37 pm


My moneymaker-shaker will be at the reunion this Saturday. Owww! Hide your eyes!


Jane July 16, 2012 at 10:28 am

My boys are 10 months apart in age and now that they can speak their own mind (and forcefully) my days of signing them up for the same activity are officially over. This summer has been CRAZY between camps/swim practice/swim meets/baseball practice/baseball games/etc., etc.,etc. I can not WAIT until school starts. Oh, sure. It’ll be crazy after school but at least for 7 blissful hours mid-day I’ll be able to breathe again.


Katybeth July 16, 2012 at 11:28 am

Mercury is in retrograde right now and the three weeks leading up to Mercury in retrograde can be as daunting as the actual time frame. One women told me the other day that she came within inches of stabbing her husband through the heart with a curtain rod and another prayed for the courage not to smother her young with a pillow Even a mom with a darling tot was refraining from giving him baths until she regain her sanity. It’s a jungle of emotions out there right now.
A friend told me (a wise crone type friend) when Cole started to leave me out of his life that kids are wired for connection…and always come back (for better and worse) to us. I have always found this thought very comforting.
I am sure you are one cool mama! Let those girly girls know you invented cool. Just don’t call weed..pot because that is so last generation.
Good luck!


TKW July 16, 2012 at 4:39 pm


Your mercury in retrograde explanation is a lovely balm for my soul. I will just keep telling myself, “It ain’t me, it’s mercury!”


Sherri July 16, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Yikes – @Katybeth – Mercury IS in retrograde and I hadn’t noticed. Shame one me. Yes – schedules and moods and such will be a mess for a bit.

We are overscheduled too – art camp, swim team, karate, horseback riding, and now… intro. to 1st grade camp for one kid – and another on a trip to Guatemala – the other two hangin’ with me while I paint bedrooms and do other stuff that I should NOT be doing in the summer.

Yes – locked in the bathroom, laundry room – any room – to stare into space sounds good. I went to the store for milk last night and sat in my car blasting Rage Against the Machine for a while. Felt better.

I do like summer, but… keeping up in the heat requires MANY breaks, eh?


TKW July 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm


Rage Against the Machine on a milk run? Oh, how I love you.


pamela July 16, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Yum. Going on our second month in a single hotel room. The only ones on my side are my blender and my rice cooker. Going to make this delish salad because alas, I have no valium …


TKW July 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm


Quit moving and do nothing but work on the patent for the salt lick, okay? xoxo


Kate July 16, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Oh dear! We’re woefully under scheduled this summer (two houses = no money for camps = one cranky mama with no naps and two big girls who are crazy especially after a week of rain+ one cute baby who I can’t help but like a little better than her wild sibs). But maybe I shouldn’t be wishing for more activities? Or maybe kids are just crazy? Or moms just need Valium?

We use a lovely little fibrous powder added to some fancy juice every now and then when someone won’t eat her greens (but boy can she eat fruits). Constipation is the worst. I forgot though to watch my second, who tends to be able to go happily, and after a long weekend at the grandparents (every meal could be substituted with ice-cream and most were) she was so blocked, she cried for me to help her. In the bathroom of a restaurant on the road home. (no I will never say more.) Then again, whenever I would get blocked up, my dear old dad would say, this too shall pass. (groan) and it will.

Soon enough we’ll have school to complain about. Yippee!


TKW July 16, 2012 at 4:45 pm


Is the powder called “Miralax?” We tried it and Miss Baseball Bowel Super Taster still detected it in her chocolate milk. *head bang*

But you make a good point–what is worse? Over-scheduled or under-scheduled? I think either one requires valium.


Kate July 17, 2012 at 11:09 am

Yup. I forgot it’s name. My girl hated it but I made her drink it through the tears. Mean mommy.

Summer is rough. Later nights, no consistent schedule ( even if you have camps they change), friends gone traveling…

I’m sorry your Minxes are being catty. They love you, you know that, right?


idiosyncratic eye July 16, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Sounds like you’re having a great summer! Another six weeks until they’re back in school?! Have fun. ;)


TKW July 16, 2012 at 4:46 pm


Six weeks? Send Valium, STAT. :o


Alexandra July 16, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Lots of yelling.

That’s how I handle.


(like that)


TKW July 17, 2012 at 6:45 am


Can I kick something, too?


Arnebya July 16, 2012 at 6:42 pm

Miss Baseball Bowel. I swear I’ma die. And yes, I get the whole “just don’t freak out” but at least mine is 11. Six? I shall do all the freaking I can muster, Missy. Luckily, my eight-almost-nine-year-old is still an attention whore, wanting my attention and screams of “that’s my baby!”. And mine at just shy of three years apart aren’t usually able to be in the same camp either. It’s a conspiracy to drive us crazy via, well, driving! I hate having schedules in summer. I long for, yearn for, those crazy days of yore where the summer consisted of let’s go to the park and not come back until the street lights come on, except maybe for a quick lunch before we’re off again.

The last time my Jack ran out I said I wasn’t going to replace it. I haven’t. It’s been a long week.

And now I want salad.


TKW July 17, 2012 at 6:48 am


Miss “Don’t Freak Out” is ten, so at least I sort of get the attitude, but the six-year old? That’s a heartbreaker!

And yes, those old summers of yore…when my Mama kicked me out of the house after lunch and said, “I don’t want to see you until dinnertime.” Man, she had it good.


Katrina Kenison July 16, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Love this. I live on some variation of this salad all summer long. Tonight, we had the cooked version — corn, tomatoes, onion, zuke, summer squash, basil. But raw is just as good. Meanwhile, enjoy these days if you can. They do grow up and leave home you know, and then summer is quieter, but a lot less interesting.


Rudri Bhatt Patel @ Being Rudri July 16, 2012 at 9:08 pm

I love the ingredients in this salad. I’ve made your crack salad and everyone loved it. I am certain this will be a hit too. Summer almost over, right? Lots of luck my friend!


Papa Guy July 16, 2012 at 9:17 pm

You mention the spam filter…Oh and by the way, you did make me laugh with this post, I have been getting all sorts of weird shi..stuff from your blog entries to my email lately. Of course I just delete them but I thought it odd that you mention that.
Final note…..Don’t let anybody tell you that “Empty Nest” is a bad thing.


TKW July 17, 2012 at 6:50 am

Papa Guy,

I’m trying to fix it, I swear! I’m just horrid at computers!


Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes July 17, 2012 at 4:31 am

I’m “lucky” enough to have relatively young children and a great day care. The day care provides after school and holiday care for children up to 6 years of age. Which is fantastic. Now unfortunatly my eldest has taken it upon herself to hate the day care.
As for the bowel situation : a tablespoon of hot olive oil. Now I’m not kidding, poop will shoot out… literally.
And I highly recommend that you start working on that valium salt lick in your spare time. You will make millions!


TKW July 17, 2012 at 6:51 am


Hot olive oil? Seriously? How do you get a kid to ingest that?


Liz @ PeaceLoveGuac July 17, 2012 at 1:59 pm

How can you make everything so damn funny? I love it! (But I don’t love the shunning or that you had to get all MamaDingo.)

My favorite way of dealing with the summer crazies? I keep the music turned up reaaallly loud to drown out the complaints.


Tiffany July 18, 2012 at 5:17 am

Oh the joys of summer!!! ;)


michelle July 18, 2012 at 6:10 am

HA! I just wrote about the flip side of this. But your’s is WAY funnier. I laughed out loud reading the turd paragraph.

That salad sounds delish. Although without a doubt I would be the only one to eat it. I’ll chop up some xanax and sprinkle liberally.



Contemporary Troubadour July 21, 2012 at 11:12 am

I am so sorry about Miss M.’s bowel troubles. Perhaps if she had shaken her moneymaker hard enough during the “Mamma Mia!” finale …

In all seriousness, I hope Miss M. becomes amenable to less invasive ways of preventing gut agony. I’ve gotten adept at hiding fruit in baked goods if you want recipes. Prune puree can be sneaked into chocolate muffins more easily than you’d think! (Chez Troubadour, we use the stuff, along with pureed mango, pureed peach, and applesauce, as egg substitute where flavor-appropriate.)


Heather July 22, 2012 at 6:01 pm

We mama dingos really should stick together. Summer has been insane here too. Running like mad with nary a moment to think. We are all tired and cranky and just damn hot! Salad is good. Salad is easy. Valium salt lick??? priceless!


Naptimewriting July 23, 2012 at 2:27 pm

I have made a version of this salad that features cumin and feta. And I think yours has some feta-esque deliciousness, too, that you snuck in after writing the recipe.

Valium salt lick I can’t do. But huge Coke and Cherry Slurpee with Southern Comfort comes close. (Has to be huge because once you add a tiny touch of the liquor (ha) the ice mels and you realized Slurpees are exactly 1/3 stuff and 2/3 air.)

Just sayin’.


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