Ten Proud Mothering Moments

October 25, 2012

Mama’s Losin’ It

Participating at MamaKat’s Writing Workshop today! I chose the prompt: Tell us 10 things that you say to your kids that other mommies don’t.

Forgive me in advance.

1. “Please don’t put that Nerf dart into your vagina.”

2. “Why do your feet smell like pee?”

3. “As a matter of fact, no. I have not met George Washington.”

4. “It’s called a vegetable. Gag it down or no food until morning.”

5. “I packed carrots in your lunch because you’re ugly and I don’t love you at all…Sucka!”

6. “What’s for dinner? Go next door and ask the neighbors. I’m done feeding you for the day.”

7. “What’s for dinner? Well, Mommy was too lazy to go to the grocery store today, so I roasted the cat. Hope you’re hungry!”

8. “I’m sorry that you are starving, but it is 2 in the goddamned morning. Get your butt back in bed NOW. If it’s so bad, you know where the crackers are.”

9. “Is it possible to make a beer slushie? I need one in order to deal with you today.”

10. “Please remove the hamster from your training bra.”

 

Hope you have a happy weekend, readers! We’ll be dealing with snow and cobbling together Halloween costumes (because I suck). Thank goodness that Miss D. has changed her mind about wanting to dress up as a giant Gummi Bear. I had no idea how I was gonna make that one happen. Costume nightmare.

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{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }

Jane October 25, 2012 at 6:00 am

Halloween in our house: If we can’t buy it – they can’t wear it. I am not crafty, in any way, shape or form and my kids hate me for it.

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Naptimewriting October 26, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Worse: if it’s not already in our huge costume basket, you don’t get to be it.

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Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes October 25, 2012 at 6:24 am

I actually did n°2 and n°3 was a slight variation : if I remembered the day the Vikings invaded.

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 8:52 am

Tinne,

I think you have me beat.

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Dara Dokas October 25, 2012 at 6:48 am

I love your list! I especially enjoyed, “Go next door and ask the neighbors.” I wish I’d thought of that line! Plus, pets in strange places. Funny! My daughter has had to endure many frightful and embarrassing comments from me. Especially since I think I quite funny. She doesn’t agree.

Good luck with Halloween costumes! (I personally can’t wait till Halloween is over. Except for the candy.)

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 8:53 am

Dara,

I know! How on Earth do you dress a giant Gummi Bear? Whaaaa?

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Arnebya October 25, 2012 at 6:57 am

Seriously? Snow? Um, it’s 84 here. It’s freaky and weird and probably many kinds of wrong, but I’m enjoying it.

#2 has me cracking up! The “what’s for dinner” question is a fun one in our house, always met with something like “mud” or “pig brains, yum” or “nothing. I’ve decided we’re fasting. Sorry I didn’t tell you before.”

And yeah, I’ve made mention of needing an adult beverage when they’re being particularly, um, child-like.

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 8:55 am

Arnebya,

I have also told my children that it’s a “fast” day. Hey, if Gwyneth can do it, those little bitches can do it, too.

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Elle October 25, 2012 at 7:04 am

I, too, have asked the foot/pee question. Thankfully (?) it was dog pee.

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 8:55 am

Elle,

Alas, mine was not.

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Diane@BeStillaMinute October 25, 2012 at 7:31 am

BwaHaHaa! Number nine just reminded me of one I’ve said to my boys many times, “Y’all could made a nun drink!” I’d knew I’d keep thinking of more AFTER I made my list!

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 8:56 am

Diane,

I like you already.

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Jennifer October 25, 2012 at 7:43 am

Last night James woke up David to give him a hug. I was so happy it wasn’t me. Shockingly he has never woken us up because he was hungry. Although one morning he did wake up asking for spaghetti and meatballs.

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 8:56 am

Jennifer,

A wake-up for a hug is another thing altogether. Bliss. But demands for food–argh!

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Anonymous November 10, 2013 at 8:28 am

Xxxx

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Kate October 25, 2012 at 8:13 am

Hee hee!

Yesterday brought this gem – don’t suck the dog. (baby was glommed onto her back)

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 8:57 am

Kate,

“Don’t suck the dog?” Hilarious and very disturbing at the same time.

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Erica October 25, 2012 at 8:32 am

Why is “What’s for dinner?” the most common question in the universe?

My variation on #3 – “No, I did not receive change back from the Louisiana Purchase.”

My unique statement to eldest son, “You ruined your own spring break by getting giardia from the DOG.”

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 9:00 am

Erica,

Giardia from the dog? Ewww! But pretty damn funny.

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Sherri October 25, 2012 at 8:49 am

Cracking up….. Can add one more – “Please do not lick the furniture.” Oh – and…. “No – you NEVER put things in your butt – whether you’re in the gym daycare or at home.”

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 9:02 am

Sherri,

What’s up with kids sticking things in orifices? I swear, it’s a pandemic.

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Melissa October 25, 2012 at 9:08 am

This is too funny!

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Katybeth October 25, 2012 at 9:17 am

Nice people don’t eat breakfast.
If you cut your hair yourself, you will need to go to the hospital for stiches with a very big needle.
You can’t cook for 24 hours after you have your nails done.
Please do not lick the honey off the (popeyes fried chicken) table.
The truth is overrated (yesterday)
What’s for dinner…I give you this one….handed down throughout the generations of women in my family…”Ham, Spam, and Spider ghoulie” (although roasting the cat is excellent)
My favorite on your list: “I packed carrots in your lunch because you’re ugly and I don’t love you at all…Sucka!” I plan to find away to use it.

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 9:57 am

Katybeth,

I need to work “Ham, Spam and Spider ghoulie” into everyday conversation. I love it.

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Psychobabbler October 25, 2012 at 9:56 am

Lol love your statements! They had me snorting in my efforts not to laugh out loud in class! After all, I’m the teacher! (Hey, don’t judge, they were doing independent study for their test! ;) )

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 9:59 am

Psychobabbler,

I used to be a high school English teacher. I lovva the teachers! So glad you came by!

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Kristen @ Motherese October 25, 2012 at 11:40 am

I started laughing so hard after #1 that I had trouble concentrating on the rest of the list. Knowing you, I trust they were hilarious too. xo

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TKW October 27, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I’m waiting for yours, caterpillar.

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amanda {the habit of being} October 25, 2012 at 12:04 pm

beer slushie…i opt for the beerita. close and it has tequila ;-)

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm

amanda,

Need. Recipe.

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Jamie October 25, 2012 at 7:25 pm

THERE IS NOTHING BETTER THAN A BEERITA! I don’t know how Amanda makes it but in my house (crappy 1 bedroom apartment) it’s a regular margarita with a budlight poured into it. Which sounds really ghetto now that I typed it. Whatever, it’s good.

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TKW October 27, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Jamie and Amanda,

I have no objection to ghetto. Which is why I let my littlest girl run around in the yard with just her underpants on this morning. Chilly business, but a good lesson. And hey, if the dude across the street can let his dogs bark all night and day, we can have some guilt-free underpant action.

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The Curious Cat October 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Haha! Love it! I would say similar things if I were a mum too I bet…! xxx

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amber_mtmc October 25, 2012 at 2:31 pm

It’s so nice to hear about another parent that closes the kitchen. Seriously. Feeding my kids 24/7 is the worst. :)

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Contemporary Troubadour October 25, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Obviously, you know I have no such list to share, but I am totally saving yours for reference for when I do. I suspect No. 2 will definitely come into play at some point. I asked D the other day how you toilet train boys (as I’ve had no experience) and he revealed that no, you do not teach them to pee standing up right off the bat … because they’re too short to make it into the bowl.

I have waaaaaaaaaay too much to learn.

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TKW October 25, 2012 at 4:35 pm

CT,

Boys are dead easy. Put a marble or a casino chip in the toilet bowl and tell ‘em to aim. :)

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Naptimewriting October 26, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Kitch, you’re crazy. They sit until they’re four or five. Then Cheerios for aiming practice. Marbles and poker chips clog the toilet, yo.

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TKW October 27, 2012 at 1:40 am

Nap,

Not if you have a Toto toilet, which is supposed to flush the equivalent of a human head. But wait, I think Miss D.’s turds have felled the Toto toilet at least once a month, so you may have a point on this one.

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The Meaning of Me October 25, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Fantastic. I am so so behind today…have to go finish my list. I spit my drink out on #1. I knew there were other parents out there saying things like we do!

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TKW October 27, 2012 at 1:42 am

Meaning,

Mother of the Year! I am waiting for my tiara to arrive.

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suzicate October 25, 2012 at 4:19 pm

You crack me up…best list ever! You’ve inspired me to think up some of those moments, but I think even as unembarrassible (not really a word) as boys are they’d be embarrassed. Then again, they don’t read my blog, lol!

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Justine October 25, 2012 at 5:47 pm

LOL. Love these. And why is it that none of these surprise me? In a good way of course. :)

Today I just heard myself saying, “I need to change my shirt; I think this has poop on it.”

Ah, kids…gotta love ‘em.

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TKW October 27, 2012 at 1:44 am

Justine,

If you make it through the day without excrement on your shirt, that’s a miracle. At least over here. xo

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Tina October 25, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Sounds like you and I have similar parenting styles! Now I don’t feel so bad…

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TKW October 27, 2012 at 1:45 am

Tina,

Feel free to come on by anytime so my horrible parenting skills can make you feel better. :) But hey, they are still breathing, right? Success.

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Robin October 26, 2012 at 8:37 am

He-he-he! Were those your children that came to my house asking for food?

Snow?

Halloween? I liked it when I was the one dressing up and collecting candy in a bag. Now – not so much.

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TKW October 27, 2012 at 1:41 am

Robin,

Can you hear my kids knocking?

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Barbara October 27, 2012 at 4:34 am

Must be the generation gap. My list of things I said to my kids would be entirely different. I like my list better…..so glad I’m not raising kids right now.

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Liz October 29, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Along the lines of the beer slushie, I shall add:
“Go play in the playground with your friends while Mommy, Daddy, and their two other awesome parent friends pour vodka into these here giant slushies and get smashed a little in order to get through an afternoon at Legoland, Florida.” (WTF is up with no alcohol rules at places like that, anyways?)

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TKW November 3, 2012 at 6:30 am

Liz,

I want you for a neighbor. And yes, it is a crime not to serve alcohol at amusement parks. Mommies need that shit.

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Biz October 30, 2012 at 1:58 pm

OMG, I just spit out my iced coffee about removing the dart from her vagina – love it! You are a great momma KW!

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TKW November 3, 2012 at 6:31 am

Biz,

Alas, it is a true story.

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Tiffany October 31, 2012 at 6:31 am

Oh the things children make us say!!!

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