I Need Cleats

March 20, 2020

I’ve been down with a virus. Not the virus; I suspect this one’s a variation of the flu, that morphing jerk. And yes, I did get vaccinated but the flu is a morphing jerk. I’ve been down for a week and am starting to feel human again and isn’t it funny how we don’t realize how down we’ve been until things start to blow over?

I still have the night sweats but I am not waking up drenched. Just unpleasantly wet. I’ll take it.

The worst and most persistent symptom I have is guilt, because just when all of the true information about the coronavirus broke, when they canceled school and people stormed the Bastille for toilet paper and Clorox wipes, I was out. My kids took care of me.

Actually, that’s bullshit, but they did check on me and took complete care of themselves and then when my husband came home after a full day’s work and medical briefings/meetings/utter panic, he took over. I didn’t feel lucky but dang. Lucky.


Can’t think quite clearly still, but I’m rising.


I’d wish for Mama right now, because couldn’t we all use a little clutch in a hard hug and the particular pattern of a mother’s hands on your back? Then again, I know that what she’d really be doing is calling me twice a day to remind me to wash my hands and do I need food because she’s hoarded it for years in the basement and yes she has toilet paper and can she drive up and spray the children with bleach? It would annoy the bejeezus out of me but I miss it. I miss the her of it.


I think some of you know that my Daddy-o is in Hawaii right now, being his rebellious German self. He’s 85 and had absolutely no fear of flying to paradise because news of Covid-19 was just beginning to thunder and he believed in the president with every red inch of his MAGA hat. Yes, he owns one. Yes, he wears it in public. Yes, I love him so much I could choke.

He was supposed to be in Maui with his friend Harold, who he’s been friends with since 1960. 60 years of friendship and they still kinda like each other–isn’t that something? Both of them have lost their wives in the last couple of years. First Daddy, then him. Harold was supposed to tag along with Daddy-o for a couple of weeks, although there was no way Harold was walking on the beach 6 miles a day like my father does, but they’d adjust. Harold didn’t go. He didn’t feel well. Today, we heard that Harold is in the hospital and tested positive for Covid-19. He’s the first person we know who’s gotten it. We aren’t optimistic. The guy is in terrible shape. Daddy is a believer now. I have no idea what to say.


There’s a lot I don’t know what to say about but here is what I do know. We need each other.


We are all soul-sick and heartsick and worried and it feels absolutely shitty to not know what’s coming our way. It’s all so slippery and messy and I want to be the adult. I need to be the adult. I will be the adult.

I’m digging in.

Somebody send me some cleats.


Update to the update on Harold Watch. Turns out, both doctors were correct. He’s got both Covid-19 and bacterial pneumonia. Not the news we were hoping for.

{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

Papa Guy March 20, 2020 at 7:32 pm

Were all concerned. I think it’ll be alright. I love you and your family, just from your blog. Were here in Texas if ya’ll need a hand. easy to find, and I am still sorry I made you cry, during your time of crisis. Buck up, live, survive, thats how your mama’s gen did it after the war. I remember the stories from my mama and my Grandmomma.


Kat March 21, 2020 at 7:57 pm

I’m so glad you’re feeling better and I’m really pulling for Harold! What an awful virus this is. :(


Katrina Kenison March 22, 2020 at 3:10 am

Hey, I love that you wrote this. You’ve already dug in. And the paragraph about what your mum would be doing, were she here to do it, sang to me of love. My own mother is in contented lockdown in her house, and when it’s warm enough (not often of late), I go over and visit with her through an open window, me on the porch and her tucked inside, with my dad hovering in the background. We’re all learning new ways of being a family. So glad yours is safe. And so very sorry about Harold. Sending love.


Dana Talusani March 22, 2020 at 12:15 pm


I love the visual of you and your mama talking through the window. It warms the cockles of my little black heart. Give her my love from afar.


D.A. Wolf March 22, 2020 at 4:24 pm

This makes my heart ache, Kitch. But I’m glad to know that you’re doing better.
xo BLW


Elizabeth March 22, 2020 at 5:57 pm

I’m so glad that Harold seems to be doing OK! Times right now are so fraught, so no wonder you were so worried. I hope Daddy-O is safe at home by now!

Also, let’s do a Google Hangout soon; it seems sadly unlikely that our Denver trip will be happening soon, but let’s cook together or drink wine together or something similar.


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