Digging Through the Still

March 9, 2020

I just can’t.

 

I think that a lot these days: I just can’t.  (have been thinking it for months, if I’m honest.) In a way it’s almost a relief, admitting that you can’t, although of course you don’t allow yourself to CAN’T. You know better than to do that. You can listen to the can’t but if you surrender to it, you’re fucked. You know this.

So you focus on the things you can do. You can get up in the morning–kind of crucial. Take care of the people you love and remind yourself that they actually do appreciate that you showed up. You show up for the dog, because he needs you and actually is excited to see your slack-ass every time you walk in a room and that kind of devotion is gold.

You can do the work. The physicality of it. Wash teen stank out of laundry, carefully pack lunches, clean up all things dog, remember to stock the pantry with snacks and plenty of water. You load the coffeemaker every night so it’s ready in the morning because–essentials. You call your father and ask about his day. You check on the homework but not really because they tend to do the damn thing anyways.

You’re there but you aren’t and you’re trying to be okay with this.

You’d kind of hate yourself if you allowed yourself to. But on that matter, you really know you can’t.

I’m trying to take the can’t as a sign that I need to be still. Or at least, more still. Which means listening and waiting a lot and those aren’t exactly the easiest things. Not when your brain seems to be flammable and how on Earth can your mind be so hard-wired to run when the rest of you cries Uncle?

I am sitting with the still until it becomes evident that I have to dig through it.

I’m listening.

Something’s coming, I’m sure of it.

Right?

 

{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }

Biz March 10, 2020 at 4:18 pm

Sending big hugs your way. I was just thinking about you today because my boss was splitting up his Cubs season tickets with his partners.

You can email me anytime if you want to vent!

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elizabeth March 10, 2020 at 7:15 pm

Oh lady, I feel this so much. Focusing on what you can do at least is helpful, to be certain, but sometimes you need to rest to figure out how to muddle yourself out of it.

Will email you with details about our trip to Denver, pending pandemic status.

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Matt the Butcher March 13, 2020 at 11:18 am

❤️❤️❤️❤️

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